Ki's blog: "Inquisition"

How do you feel and what do you hear when someone says ‘I trust you..’?

Trust is a hard thing to grasp at times, especially if you give it to someone to only be let down…time and time again.

Trust is something that precious to me, something that someone has to gain from me. Over time even the few I’ve let in to trust have ended up letting me down in the long run. Promises not met, sweet talking that was empty, catching them in avoiding the truth or lying.

How do we as women navigate through the men and know who to trust anymore? I hunger to trust someone, to give my life in their hands and know that they will always be there to take care of me. That there is no doubt in my mind I can trust them to be honest and straightforward whether good or bad.

I feel so broken with so much distrust in people and men. Perhaps in the long runs it’s because I have no faith or hope to trust in them.

How do you know to trust someone…when their actions aren’t following through?

Perhaps its time guys stop making promises they aren’t going to follow through on, saying things that they soon after don’t feel, and doing things that might contradict them.

And I am tired of feeling burned every time I give it to someone…I’m tired of crying about it and pouring my soul over it…
So how can I gain that trust then? There must be a happy ending to my lack of trust story …I’m not sure…but I am working on it, I don’t want to be closed off and angry….

Can i trust you?
Why should i trust you?
How can you show me I can trust you?
If you break that trust...how will you repair it?
Did you really ever care in the first place...?

Long Distance Relationship

I’m an internet guru…IT geek…so I end up finding some of the most eligible men…online. So in that, I met someone named Jeremy…lived in South Carolina…and he burned me really bad. There’s some pertinent things I learned from this relationship thing we had that I think needs to be thrown out there.

Overall LDR are HARD. It takes a lot of trust, communication and commitment from both sides. Here’s something I’ve designed for myself and others to follow…guidelines.

1. Both interested in each other. Being in a LDR where only one person is interested and the other isn’t WONT work. I think this one is pretty obvious and doesn’t need explanation. Although once a guy starts dropping back on communication…I assume he isn’t interested anymore and move on> I suggest you do the same if he does it to you.

2. Reassurance. I AM a person who needs A LOT of reassurance…sorry…that’s just who I am. Especially if it’s LDR. I’m meaning reassurance in the fact that the guys IS interested…this is done by their actions. Which actions are hard since it is less physical, but they can still show their interest by calling every day, keeping in contact any way they can.

3. Communication. I mean talking every day, Because you don’t see each other physically…communication is all that is left. The only way a LDR will work is if you keep constant contact with each other. Now it can be text, IM, phone calls etc…as long as it something. I hate…not hearing from someone within a day…and I’m ok with simple texts…b.c it’s still some form of connection still between us. Now I know…people have their own lives to live and get busy. The difference is when a guy is really into you, you become part of that day anyways to where contact with you is just like their cup of coffee in the morning…gotta have it.

4. NO naughtiness(I.E naked pics, naked web cam, phone sex). Guys are soo into this…. That I think it clouds the realness of a relationship. Sure after a long while- like a month or 2, then you can start sharing dirty pics and really being naughty over the phone, but before that I think it cheapens a relationship.

5. Building trust. I have no trust in a guy anymore when he says he will call, text…anything b.c I have been burned so many times by them. Now I have these high expectations and a guys got to seriously prove himself. Why should I settle for less anyways?

The reality is im not sure how to hande LDR's...whats 'ok' and not ok to do. Do all the typical dating things apply? Or is irt done diffrently? I'm just not sure anymore...

But i do know...that I’m tired of sweet talking from a guy who’s LD,who then doesn't follow through and leaves me in the dark. I’m ready for someone who naturally will follow these steps b.c he IS interested and willing to prove it. If the fact that I have these high expectations scares them off…then they weren’t that serious anyways. No one should settle for anything less...

...of the dating world...

That’s where I’m at now…. Gone from the dating world for the last 6 years.
Although, I wasn’t very good at it in the first place so now I’m navigating…
I’m too straight forward, aggressive, to the point and I don’t play the stupid “Playing hard to get game”. Which let’s face it…that’s just how guys work…even the ones who say they don’t. They find more appeal in the mystery with a hint of tease…then the real thing. It’s perhaps unattractive to them that a woman would like them “a lot” and be open about it?

I’m thinking this is for a few reasons….
One it puts a newfound pressure on them. Like “Oh crap…she really likes me…now what? I only like her just a little….or Do I have to show her affection back now? Then they mentally hyperventilate and start doing the ‘hint’.
Secondly, if it’s not reciprocated….your just in flat trouble. This goes for the girl and guy. The guy is overwhelmed with not wanting to ‘hurt’ your feelings and cause drama…and the girl is left heart wide open and completely clueless….

Both sexes are so hard to read and understand…

Men are so casual…usually wanting to go with the flow of the relationship not wanting to put ‘titles’ on anything…leaving things as they are, not exploring or talking about things…completely emotionless… “it is what it is”…

Women on the other hand…over think…talk too much…emotional…drama…
Yet with a good woman, the guy will never have a doubt of her affection and will know he can always trust her. How many of you guys can say with assuredness the girl you are dating/seeing will never cheat on you? How often has it happened in the past that they have? Did you ever feel smothered by them? That they were too clingy? Did you tell them this; give them the subtle hint that you needed ‘space’? Be careful what you wish for….
Guys don’t want clingy and smothering
Guys don’t want overemotional or drama
Guys don’t want ‘too much’ of anything (ha except sex)
But then they want someone genuine, honest, trusting, sweet….
They want someone to come home to, to feel loved by…feel wanted…
I’m sure deep down...they are just as lonely in the darkness of night…as they try to fall asleep…as we women are...
So where’s the compromise?
I have no clue….

So then…it is back to playing the ‘game’…of seeming interested yet not 100% available, keeping them wondering etc. I horribly fail at that part. Perhaps I’m just a simple girl and games escape me.
My close female friend keeps telling me to not be serious with anyone and explore the FWB(friends with benefits) lifestyle. I’ve never done that….I don’t even know what it really means to be ‘no strings attached’ kind of girl. Not only that I can’t help but think how slutty id be viewed…which I’m just not…
Besides…I get emotionally attached when I’m intimate…that’s just how I am, which I think is sweet. It means something to me…the person I’m with means something to me….and that person will know who they are….

Besides…what do all these terms mean nowadays? Here’s how I remember it…but it could have changed since then (6 years ago)> Please add feedback and I will add into this post other ‘titles’ that are out there!

-Dating> not exclusive, being with other people, going on ‘dates’, emotions only kind of involved, no expectations, only 40% interested in the other person life
-Seeing someone> exclusive? More than just dating, emotions involved, expectations are built, 100% interested in others person life
-No strings attached (FWB)> not dating, no emotions, no interest in each other’s personal life, only sex
- FWB THEN dating...its like a test guys want to go throuhg...if the sex is good FIRSt then we will see how we get along. I have a feeling this is how men do dating now....

So where am I…? At dating I suppose…until someone wants more…

So I share this adventure with you….because that’s just how I am. I love verbal exploration into the unknown. Feedback from guys would be great too….because although I may say a lot…I have NO clue…left with assumptions…I walk with no trust into the dating world….

Every so often we meet someone that leaves an imprint in our memories. Something special about them that we couldn't let go...emotions and feelings for them staying in The back of our minds and hearts.

These people are fortunate enough to stay with us even after they are gone.Things happened that cause the relationship to go astray.
Since starting this dating 'journey' I've had the painful 'pleasure' to come across 3 unique men that have left said imprint on me...on my life.
There's no going back to them...
No do-overs...
I cannot undo the things I've done or said...
It is what it is..and now ill always remember them.

It's not completly hopeless...I've learned immensely from these men..things that prepare me to be a stronger,smarter woman in future relationships. Learning more about me - the good and the bad.

I've learned that I give my heart away to easily...
I'm too eager for something more to be there..
That I put too much trust and faith in their nonchalant sweet talking...
That I get attached to a sexual partner if I'm not forwarned that its just FWB to them...
That I'm complicated and overshare my complicated life too much...
That I'm annoying ...compulsive...pushy...aggressive...too blunt and unfocused....

But I'm also full of love...honesty...integrity..passionate...kind...giving and funloving...
My man would always know how cherished by me he is...
I'm trustworthy...and my guy would never want for anything and never worry I would cheat...

What's life without lessons to teach you along the way? Yes...there is still pain from time to time when I think of them. But through that pain I've learned more about me... dating...and guys then I knew before.
I still have hope that any of them would come back to me....but I'm also aware the damage has been done...and ill never hear from them or see them ever again.

Everyday I learn something...and every day I am challenged to harden my heart and guard it more preciously then before...and then learn to let go....

"I like you..."

I've had so many guys tell me this recently ...what the heck does it really mean? What am I suppose to do with that?

I like you....but your not good enough to date...
I like you...but your not really my type...
I like you....but I just want FWB from you until I find someone I really want
I like you...like I like my puppy...
I like you...I enjoy time with you, so let me use you until I'm done with you..
I like you....but I'm still gonna treat you like my puppy...
I like you...but..but...but...

So what does it really mean? Is it the mark of a beginning to something or is it just an over used expression guys use to stay nice but not really mean or do anything?
When does it mean more...? How can I navigate through all the bullshit to find the one who really means it?

How many times have women been run over by a guy using this saying but not really meaning it? I think in reality...liking me isn't good enough. I'm at a point where I just wanna tell a guy to fuck off when he says it..b.c I don't believe in that saying anymore.

To me...and most women..."i like you" is a guy telling us 'your worthwhile enough to take the next steps to a relationship". That's what I see when someone tells me that...so its a double negative when in reality it doesn't mean that way.
Hey 'i like cookies' but you don't see me endearing to them 'i like you cookie' before I eat it!

I'm trying not to be bitter or angry...its too early in my dating adventure to become this way. Yet I can't help but wonder...has the dating world changed so much that now its FWB first then we will see where it goes?
I guess a part of me is old school...when a guy asks me on a date> its b.c he 'likes' me for who I am,and plans to take it more serious....before the sex...before the date...so that when the date starts your both on the same page that it means more and could turn into something more. Now given...dating IS getting to know someone and seeing if you click , if there's chemistry ...but atleast in the beginning your on the same page its more then 'i like you cuz I just wanna fuck'.

Take head boys....watch your words...be straightforward...be blunt if you have to!

That’s what I’ve figured.
‘They’ say…when a guy is really into you, he’ll be the first to call, the first to text and go out of his way to be with you. Time and time… this has actually come to prove itself to me.

So what then when the silence starts? That’s where I’m confused at. In my mind…everything is going fine…but something else is going on in his head.

So the “Hint” starts.

Which is the guy> Maybe if I stop calling, answering texts, not answer the phone….she will get the hint I’m not interested and just leave me alone.Or if I dont answer she'll figure it out that I just have nothing to say or no response and wont bother me with it....

All I can say to that is “REALLY?” that’s so lame. Seriously guys….grow some balls. Even if it’s just a text to say “I’m needing some space give me a few days.” Its better then the silence and not knowing.

Deep down though…if you know you’re not interested in a girl…please just tell her. The longer you drag it out, the worse the drama/emotional part from her will be.
WHY do they do this stupid hint thing? Is it really to just avoid the nagging, crying, whining, emotional drama from a girl? It’s like they are digging themselves a hole by doing it this way instead of just being honest.

So I’ve devised some reasons that I’ve thought through…when you stop hearing from a guy as much as they were before.

1. They are actually just busy. (Girls still think, he could at least just text and let us know he’s too busy, but if this is the case then we feel confident that we will hear from them in a day...besides guys hate reassuring girls)
2. He’s so not into you. (In his mind, he’s already moved on to the next girl and you’re forgotten like yesterdays trash-ouch- and you’re left wondering)
3. He needs space. ( The problem with this ‘hint’ is that the girl really has no clue if its 1,2 or 3 so in a sense they might still bug the guy wondering….”where’d they go?” Which makes it only worse, but like I said NO CLUE! Not only that but we are constantly wondering “HOW LONG?”)

I’ve found that guys are so laid back about all this stuff…that they really do leave a girl to wonder, worry and be completely clueless about what’s going on…
My experience with a guy wanting space…is that it’s bad news. In some aspects I can’t help but wonder if that’s their first step of trying to just get out of the whole relationship. Then next step you just never hear from them again. I’ve been burned so many times by this ‘get a hint’ and ‘space’ concept. My initial reaction to a guy wanting space is “Well…time for me to move on cuz I guess its over.”

But I do have a logical side…and that kicks in saying. RELAX….just chill…if you never hear back from him…he’s an ASS anyways.
I have a bad habit though…when a guy tries the’ hint’ and I sense that he is…I rebel. I get so angry that they don’t have any BALLS to be straight with me that I push to just piss them off into being straightforward with me…just so I can say “See how easy that was? Coulda saved us all this pain if you did that in the first place…dickface…” (So a guy with complete honesty would be good for me… LOL)

Usually if they need space then it means you’ve pushed them away in some way. What’s next when a guy wants space? How can a girl keep from worrying that the guy will inevitably just not be interested anymore?Is there any hope if a guy wants space that he will actually come back?

Left with only the good memories until you hear from them again…trying to be drama free about it, understanding and respectful of their ‘spatial’ needs….trying to keep from being torn inside….
So just be straight…no hiding...no avoiding…no hints…it saves a lot of wasted time and heartache…trust me!

*Did you like? Theres more, visit http://www.ki-inq.blogspot.com/

"Build a friendship...not a relationship” Like a foundation to a home as a relationship is the house. When the foundation isn’t strong enough and a relationship is pushed it comes crashing down; shaking, cracking, breaking the foundation that is there...keep forcing a relationship enough times- not even the foundation will be left...and the house becomes completely unbuildable. Yet…with a strong foundation, a beautiful home can be built…forever secure, safe and lovely.

I never got this concept until now...
I feel like apologizing to the guys I misunderstood this with...
Perhaps I have the fear that I would never be good enough for someone to actually 'build a house with' and be left with empty foundations laying everywhere.
"Can we just be friends?", "I think friendship is a better way for us to go" OR "I just want FWB kind of situation."

I think I have a boneyard of foundations...empty,cracked,broken...


Then again perhaps its about chosing better foundation to 'use'...taking more time, having patience that i just dont have, and hoping that the house will be built eventually...and when it is done...it will be beautiful...like I know it will be.

*Did you like? Theres more, visit http://www.ki-inq.blogspot.com/