I just got off the phone with my cranky old grandmother. I swear each time I tell myself I'm not going to call her again. Every time lately we get into these heated discussions about what is "right" or "morally right" in her eyes. Seriously who gives a fuck what she thinks is right? Everyone has a right to their own views, thoughts, and opinions but not at the expense of making somebody else feel bad. I'm not perfect and I've made my share of mistakes. If you ask me, I've made more mistakes than I have anything else. Last night I broke down and cried for hours about how everything is going. Between John ignoring me to play computer games and my family treating me like shit, I feel terrible inside. I think the only thing keeping me alive right now is my baby. She's the only reason I keep going on anymore. I feel I owe it to her to be there for her and to give her the best start at life that I can.
Today my grandma tells me how it was my fault for being raped in the past and everything else under the sun she feels I've done wrong. My ex poisons me and my family claims it was all in my head. How can toxic levels of Arsenic be "all in my head"? I know I didn't put it there so who did? Through process of elimination and going through possible motives someone would have to do this I've came to one conclusion-my ex. Lets see the evidence stacked against him shall we? First of all he was abusive to me verbally, emotionally and physically. Second, he knew I had a life insurance policy through my work that had him listed as the beneficiary. Third, his father is in prison for poisoning his mother over a long period of time with..Yep you guessed it ARSENIC! Does it take a rocket scientist to figure this one out? There is more stuff that is too numerous to list but yes he had motive and all signs point to him. At that point in my life I only had one friend that visited me and he would have no reason to do such a thing. In fact he took me to get treatment for this mysterious illness I had come down with. But that was all in my head. (Mind you my family was living in a completely different state at the time so how can they know ANYTHING for a fact other than what they were told?)My brother molested me from the time I was 4 until 12 years old. If you ask my family-it never happened. Ok so they were with me 24/7 and never went to sleep ever so they know for a fact it could have never possibly have happened? Of course not. Sometimes it's not so much what happens to us in life that is bad as it is how people treat you afterwards. All this stuff screws with my head. I have one side of the fence (my boyfriend, previous social workers/counselors, etc) saying it's not my fault and people should be ashamed of themselves for treating me this way. Then we have the other side (My family, some outsiders, etc.)That say basically that I am mentally ill and nothing bad has ever happened to me that it was all imagined. Oh and anything that did happen was my fault. Was it because I was mentally ill? Of course not that's just a crutch they say. But wait didn't they just say that I'm mentally ill and don't know right from wrong? You can't have it both ways. My take on it is this: Yes I have a mental illness (Bipolar disorder, Borderline Personality disorder, PTSD, and major depression) and that does cause some things to happen to me and some of my actions. Does it cause all of my mistakes and problems that I've had? Of course not. But wouldn't you say that if someone has a disorder and part of that disorder was that they were promiscuous and they went out and were promiscuous that it's safe to say it had something to do with the disorder and not so much their behavoir? If it suits something they want to believe than yes. (Mainly if it's to hurt me then they will say that) If they want me to look bad than no. (Look at what a slut she is.. She is a perfectly normal person and goes out and does this?) Do you see a pattern here. My whole life I was brought up to believe I was crazy. It's distroyed my life more than any mental illness could. I just pray that no child of mine ever has to go through what I have or even half of what I have in my life. I don't pretend to be perfect or have never made a mistake. In fact sometimes I'm the toughest critic on myself. I don't always see my mistakes, I am human afterall and do have some problems upstairs. But I'm not as stupid or as crazy as they make me out to be. If you ask me what I think that they think of me I'd say they think I'm a terrible monster that only thinks of themselves and doesn't care about what is right or wrong. Not to mention they think I have no moral values at all.
All my life all I've ever wanted was to truly be loved. Not loved under certain conditions but truly loved. I've always wanted a friend that I could tell anything to and know that I wasn't being judged and have to worry they would tell anybody else. A friend that wouldn't stab me in the back or talk behind it. John is pretty much the closest I have to that. I feel I could probably tell him anything and not be judged or feel bad. If I could just get more attention from him it would be nice. I guess you have to choose your battles you can't have everything right? One thing I've learned is that everybody has their quirks about them. They may be good in one area but not another. It would be nice to have a friend that I could call on the phone and talk to, that could come over occassionally or me go over there. Even my internet friends hardly talk to me anymore. I'm slowly getting to the point I don't care anymore. I go to that weight loss group called TOPS. Every week they record my weight. WHY?? Why in the hell would they record a pregnant woman's weight and count it against them. If they had their way I'd be losing weight and anybody that knows anything about pregnancy knows that just isn't healthy. In fact I should have gained alot more weight by now. Do you know that they make you PAY money if you gain weight? They charge $.25 for every 1/4 of a pound you gain. I flat out refuse to pay it. I'm not going to pay to gain weight that I should be gaining anyway right now. I don't think it's right even when your not pregnant to have to pay if you gain weight. Is it not enough that they charge you each year for membership, each month for club dues, and make you pay for every event or item you get? My mother is the leader of the group now and that makes things even worse. Not to mention I'm the youngest member. (Everyone else is in their 30's, 40's, on up.)The last meeting I went to this past week I felt terrible afterwards. My cousin's girlfriend is in the group and didn't show up. So my mom called her and asked why. She claims that her van wasn't working. So my mom turns to me and says "Go pick Jeanie up" not "Could you please pick Jeanie up?" or "Would it be too much trouble or would you mind picking Jeanie up?" That irritated me. I had little gas as it was, not to mention my car hadn't been working right just days before that. So really I'm taking a risk anytime I go somewhere of possibly being stranded if it decides to act up again. The next thing was I lost a pound and they all cheered. (Why would you cheer for something that isn't healthy? That's like a diabetic eating a sugar cookie and somebody cheering them on.) Then in the middle of the meeting someone forgot to close the door to the room and the other room had another meeting going on and it got too loud. So someone says to me "Go close the door" Not "Hey Katie could you close the door for us" or "Would you mind closing the door?" (I wasn't even the closet to it either)Mind you I'm supposed to be on bedrest at all times right now. So for me to attend a meeting is a big deal. The least they could do is not put me to do more work. Yeah closing a door doesn't sound like alot but when your in pain and have a swollen pregnant belly and aren't supposed to be on your feet and feel like your barked an order it doesn't feel good. So I'm seriously thinking of dropping out of the group like John suggested. It never helped me lose weight before. They don't even follow any sort of exercise or diet plan. You just get rewarded if you lose weight basically. Hey I don't need someone to pat me on the back for losing weight. If that's all I get out of it why pay a total of $84 a year plus any events I want to go to for that? Hell if I lose weight and want to be rewarded for it I'll go to the store and buy myself a sticker or something. It would be alot cheaper! Not to mention I wouldn't have to put up with the bullshit from the club.
My worst fear is that my family is going to try to turn my own child(ren)against me. Feed them feel of lies and bullshit and have them grow up to hate me. Alot of people have said to me: "If you have that bad of a relationship with your family then why don't you just cut them out of your life?" Well it's easier said than done. I feel like in a way by doing that I'm punishing myself. I'm excluding myself from all the family functions and being a part of the family. I actually love my family and miss them when I'm not around them. Yes despite what they have put me through I still love them. Do I keep my kids away from them so that they can't corrupt them and ruin their lives? Then I have everybody saying I'm keeping them from the rest of their family. I can't win on anything it seems. My own mother said she didn't want to come to the hospital when my baby is born because she knows I'll be a bitch when I'm in labor. How cold is that? That's not even something you joke about really. My aunt is coming for Thanksgiving from Connecticut along with some other extended family members from other areas. I don't even think I'll go. For one thing I know John really isn't welcome. Not to mention I'm not really welcome. Well enough for this entry. Until next time...
