Katie's blog: "Katie's blog"

Is it because I'm pregnant, stressed, or what? I don't know. It just seems all the small things are irritating me lately. From the guy at the Mexican restaurant serving all the other customers first when my glass of iced tea is empty to my cat obsessively licking and cleaning himself- I feel like I'm about to jump out of myself. It's the small things that are getting under my skin lately. Like feeling ignored my John while he plays his games and doesn't answer half the time when I ask him a question or talk to him. My cat scratching and/or licking himself constantly. The baby kicking me and/or hurting me by uncomfortable positions she gets in. Maybe I should talk to my doctor about changing my medication. That way she can assure me that what I'm feeling is normal or not. Oh I just bought "The L word-Season 3" for $59 from Columbia House DVD. I waited for an entire year for it to come out and couldn't wait to see it. It picks the best episode out of the entire season and don't play the ending!! How frustrating is that? It's brand new never had been played before. So needlesss to say that didn't mix well with everything that's been going on. But if you ask me that would piss anybody off am I right? I'm stressed also about housework and money. Hell who isn't these days?

I just read that I first signed up on MySpace on 2/23/07. My due date is that day. (Well according to my Ob's office it's the 23rd but officially it's the 22nd if you do the math. With my last period being May 18th 2006.) I just thought that was a little odd. Little did I think a year ago I'd be where I am now. I was still dealing with Kris's bullshit and John wanting to be with me. I thought I'd wind up with Kris but truthfully I couldn't have asked for a better outcome. Nice guys really do finish last. John has his faults but he loves me with every fiber of his being and that's all I've ever really wanted. I love him so much it hurts me that I've ever done anything to hurt him. But we are human and we all make mistakes. Another strange coinscience...Today 4 years ago was supposed to be my wedding day to a guy named Steve. I'm so glad that things turned out the way they did. I'd be miserable if I was married to him. I know I would be. We had alot of stuff bought, deposits made, dresses bought (including..the one), napkins and stuff printed with our names and the wedding date. But you know it's never too late to call things off. It just didn't feel right. I know he didn't love me and that to me was all I needed to say no. Of course there were other factors but I'm just glad things happened the way they did. Even though they were hurtful the way they actually unfolded, the end result was a good thing. (Him and I apart forever)

Not much has changed. I went to the general doc yesterday and was told I have a sinus infection. I also got a flu shot. I asked him if it was a good idea to get one because I heard conflicting stories on it and he said that he'd check then he came back and said yeah it's a good idea to get one. So other than a sore arm I'm fine. Lately I've been wanting to eat everything in sight and in mind. I better be careful because last week I gained 4 3/4 lbs!! I'm getting anxious for the baby's due date to get here sooner. Still three long months to go! Only about 112 days though and about 16 weeks. Doesn't add up right does it? If I'm 6 months and have 16 more weeks to go that would be 4 months.. But the way they look at it is that I'm in my 6th month not necessarily 6 months along but in my 6th month if that makes any sense. So at the end of this month I will be in my third trimester! Pretty cool huh? I just hope she doesn't weigh too much! I don't want her to weigh too much or too little. I don't want her so small that she has problems but small enough to where she is healthy just not a big baby. My worst nightmare is a big baby. I think it's so sad when people have them. It's like you miss out on their cute little newborn baby stage you know? It's almost like you start out with a 3 month old or something and that just sucks. I'd be happy with a 5-7 lb baby. No more or less than that lol I'm still scared about what happened a couple months ago.. In a nearby town a woman about my age (I think she was 21 or 22) had a baby girl (This was her second child) and some woman knocked on her door. She answered the door and the woman asked to use her phone. So she gave her the cordless phone and she proceeded to brutally attack the mother with a knife and knocked her unconcious then locked her in her bathroom. She stole the newborn baby and left the one year old baby unharmed. The poor mother had to go through emergency surgery and flown by helicopter just to survive. It had a happy ending when she got her baby back unharmed. But it makes me worry you know. The woman turned out to have had a stillborn baby earlier that morning and stole the baby to pass it off as her own. Sad story all the way around really. Except that they got the baby back safely. The mother had the same OB/GYN as I do and everything! Scary when things like this hit close to home. In other news my sex life officially sucks lol We've hit a really dry spot and I don't know if John even realizes it or not. He seems to get his jollies off so to speak and don't care so much about the effort he puts into it anymore. (Or at least that's my take on it)Oh well we aren't even supposed to be having sex per doctor's orders so I guess I should count my blessings. I just don't get turned on instantly anymore it takes me awhile to warm up sometimes and he just seems to want to jump right into it. I use my vibrator because it gets me wet so that I'm ready for action. He closes his eyes and ignores me the whole time I'm using it and he even goes soft. I hate to say it but it hurts my feelings. Tomorrow we have reserved a hotel suite with a jaccuzi, so maybe that will spice things up a bit. Another dry spot is our relationship it's gone kinda flat and that's not normal for a couple that hasn't even been together a year. It's just that he plays computer games whenever he's home and stays up all night till about 6 or 7 am and then keeps waking me up by him being up doing stuff. I can't seem to sleep very well lately anyway. All I do seem to do good is eat. I'm starting to get depressed about my weight. I'm up to 230 lbs, give or take a pound. Much more and I'll be close to 300 lbs or at least 250 :( I hope I don't gain too much more weight. I know it's a silly thing to worry about when your pregnant but it's not easy when your already overweight to see the scale keep creeping upward you know? Could it be that John doesn't find me attractive anymore? He says he does but that's just because he fears for his safety lol (Not that I would hurt him but you know how men get when women have hormonal issues going on) My back is really starting to kill me. I already had enough back problems but now they are getting worse because of my big uterus! It could be worse with the weight gain..I mean I lost quite a bit in the beginning of the pregnancy (About 11 or 12 lbs) so I guess it's only fair for it to catch up with me. I'm at the same weight I was when I first got pregnant so I can't really complain.(Kinda makes me miss morning sickness just for the weight loss lol)Oh I still get morning sickness every now and then but very rarely anymore. Ok enough rambling I'm going to close this for now my back hurts.

I just got off the phone with my cranky old grandmother. I swear each time I tell myself I'm not going to call her again. Every time lately we get into these heated discussions about what is "right" or "morally right" in her eyes. Seriously who gives a fuck what she thinks is right? Everyone has a right to their own views, thoughts, and opinions but not at the expense of making somebody else feel bad. I'm not perfect and I've made my share of mistakes. If you ask me, I've made more mistakes than I have anything else. Last night I broke down and cried for hours about how everything is going. Between John ignoring me to play computer games and my family treating me like shit, I feel terrible inside. I think the only thing keeping me alive right now is my baby. She's the only reason I keep going on anymore. I feel I owe it to her to be there for her and to give her the best start at life that I can. Today my grandma tells me how it was my fault for being raped in the past and everything else under the sun she feels I've done wrong. My ex poisons me and my family claims it was all in my head. How can toxic levels of Arsenic be "all in my head"? I know I didn't put it there so who did? Through process of elimination and going through possible motives someone would have to do this I've came to one conclusion-my ex. Lets see the evidence stacked against him shall we? First of all he was abusive to me verbally, emotionally and physically. Second, he knew I had a life insurance policy through my work that had him listed as the beneficiary. Third, his father is in prison for poisoning his mother over a long period of time with..Yep you guessed it ARSENIC! Does it take a rocket scientist to figure this one out? There is more stuff that is too numerous to list but yes he had motive and all signs point to him. At that point in my life I only had one friend that visited me and he would have no reason to do such a thing. In fact he took me to get treatment for this mysterious illness I had come down with. But that was all in my head. (Mind you my family was living in a completely different state at the time so how can they know ANYTHING for a fact other than what they were told?)My brother molested me from the time I was 4 until 12 years old. If you ask my family-it never happened. Ok so they were with me 24/7 and never went to sleep ever so they know for a fact it could have never possibly have happened? Of course not. Sometimes it's not so much what happens to us in life that is bad as it is how people treat you afterwards. All this stuff screws with my head. I have one side of the fence (my boyfriend, previous social workers/counselors, etc) saying it's not my fault and people should be ashamed of themselves for treating me this way. Then we have the other side (My family, some outsiders, etc.)That say basically that I am mentally ill and nothing bad has ever happened to me that it was all imagined. Oh and anything that did happen was my fault. Was it because I was mentally ill? Of course not that's just a crutch they say. But wait didn't they just say that I'm mentally ill and don't know right from wrong? You can't have it both ways. My take on it is this: Yes I have a mental illness (Bipolar disorder, Borderline Personality disorder, PTSD, and major depression) and that does cause some things to happen to me and some of my actions. Does it cause all of my mistakes and problems that I've had? Of course not. But wouldn't you say that if someone has a disorder and part of that disorder was that they were promiscuous and they went out and were promiscuous that it's safe to say it had something to do with the disorder and not so much their behavoir? If it suits something they want to believe than yes. (Mainly if it's to hurt me then they will say that) If they want me to look bad than no. (Look at what a slut she is.. She is a perfectly normal person and goes out and does this?) Do you see a pattern here. My whole life I was brought up to believe I was crazy. It's distroyed my life more than any mental illness could. I just pray that no child of mine ever has to go through what I have or even half of what I have in my life. I don't pretend to be perfect or have never made a mistake. In fact sometimes I'm the toughest critic on myself. I don't always see my mistakes, I am human afterall and do have some problems upstairs. But I'm not as stupid or as crazy as they make me out to be. If you ask me what I think that they think of me I'd say they think I'm a terrible monster that only thinks of themselves and doesn't care about what is right or wrong. Not to mention they think I have no moral values at all. All my life all I've ever wanted was to truly be loved. Not loved under certain conditions but truly loved. I've always wanted a friend that I could tell anything to and know that I wasn't being judged and have to worry they would tell anybody else. A friend that wouldn't stab me in the back or talk behind it. John is pretty much the closest I have to that. I feel I could probably tell him anything and not be judged or feel bad. If I could just get more attention from him it would be nice. I guess you have to choose your battles you can't have everything right? One thing I've learned is that everybody has their quirks about them. They may be good in one area but not another. It would be nice to have a friend that I could call on the phone and talk to, that could come over occassionally or me go over there. Even my internet friends hardly talk to me anymore. I'm slowly getting to the point I don't care anymore. I go to that weight loss group called TOPS. Every week they record my weight. WHY?? Why in the hell would they record a pregnant woman's weight and count it against them. If they had their way I'd be losing weight and anybody that knows anything about pregnancy knows that just isn't healthy. In fact I should have gained alot more weight by now. Do you know that they make you PAY money if you gain weight? They charge $.25 for every 1/4 of a pound you gain. I flat out refuse to pay it. I'm not going to pay to gain weight that I should be gaining anyway right now. I don't think it's right even when your not pregnant to have to pay if you gain weight. Is it not enough that they charge you each year for membership, each month for club dues, and make you pay for every event or item you get? My mother is the leader of the group now and that makes things even worse. Not to mention I'm the youngest member. (Everyone else is in their 30's, 40's, on up.)The last meeting I went to this past week I felt terrible afterwards. My cousin's girlfriend is in the group and didn't show up. So my mom called her and asked why. She claims that her van wasn't working. So my mom turns to me and says "Go pick Jeanie up" not "Could you please pick Jeanie up?" or "Would it be too much trouble or would you mind picking Jeanie up?" That irritated me. I had little gas as it was, not to mention my car hadn't been working right just days before that. So really I'm taking a risk anytime I go somewhere of possibly being stranded if it decides to act up again. The next thing was I lost a pound and they all cheered. (Why would you cheer for something that isn't healthy? That's like a diabetic eating a sugar cookie and somebody cheering them on.) Then in the middle of the meeting someone forgot to close the door to the room and the other room had another meeting going on and it got too loud. So someone says to me "Go close the door" Not "Hey Katie could you close the door for us" or "Would you mind closing the door?" (I wasn't even the closet to it either)Mind you I'm supposed to be on bedrest at all times right now. So for me to attend a meeting is a big deal. The least they could do is not put me to do more work. Yeah closing a door doesn't sound like alot but when your in pain and have a swollen pregnant belly and aren't supposed to be on your feet and feel like your barked an order it doesn't feel good. So I'm seriously thinking of dropping out of the group like John suggested. It never helped me lose weight before. They don't even follow any sort of exercise or diet plan. You just get rewarded if you lose weight basically. Hey I don't need someone to pat me on the back for losing weight. If that's all I get out of it why pay a total of $84 a year plus any events I want to go to for that? Hell if I lose weight and want to be rewarded for it I'll go to the store and buy myself a sticker or something. It would be alot cheaper! Not to mention I wouldn't have to put up with the bullshit from the club. My worst fear is that my family is going to try to turn my own child(ren)against me. Feed them feel of lies and bullshit and have them grow up to hate me. Alot of people have said to me: "If you have that bad of a relationship with your family then why don't you just cut them out of your life?" Well it's easier said than done. I feel like in a way by doing that I'm punishing myself. I'm excluding myself from all the family functions and being a part of the family. I actually love my family and miss them when I'm not around them. Yes despite what they have put me through I still love them. Do I keep my kids away from them so that they can't corrupt them and ruin their lives? Then I have everybody saying I'm keeping them from the rest of their family. I can't win on anything it seems. My own mother said she didn't want to come to the hospital when my baby is born because she knows I'll be a bitch when I'm in labor. How cold is that? That's not even something you joke about really. My aunt is coming for Thanksgiving from Connecticut along with some other extended family members from other areas. I don't even think I'll go. For one thing I know John really isn't welcome. Not to mention I'm not really welcome. Well enough for this entry. Until next time...

I don't know what's up lately with a certain few people on my friends list here on LC. (You probably already know who you are by me saying this) I feel like I'm being ignored when I specifically send you a message and you ignore me. So if I don't hear back from those certain people by tomorrow I'm going to delete them, because obviously you don't want to be my friend. If I just recently added you as a friend then don't worry I'm not refering to you. If I haven't left you a message to which you didn't reply then don't worry I'm not refering to you either. I want to keep people on my friends list that truly are my friends and aren't going to ignore me. I've had my share of those when I was younger and I'm not going through that now. Now is not the time to be ugly to me anyway with my health probs going on. Though I'm starting to wonder if those people I'm refering to even care.

I'm really getting tired of the way my family is treating me. Here I am in a high risk pregnancy and I start having severe pains and spotting the other night. So I call John and tell him. He tries to get ahold of his family to take me to the hospital since my car wasn't working. He wasn't successful at first so he suggested I call my mom. Well for those of you that know anything about my mom know that was a mistake. She told me that I need to get a tougher skin and deal with the fact I'm pregnant and I'm going to have aches and pains. Ok she's right you do have your share of aches and pains during even a healthy pregnancy. However I'm on restriction and any change at all I am supposed to report immediately to my doctor. So I called the doctor's exchange and sure enough the doctor on call wanted me to to be seen at the hospital. They couldn't find out what was wrong but I think now that I have an infection that I will need to get checked out. (They didn't check for that at the hospital)So anyway my blood pressure is through the roof which is totally abnormal for me. My pulse is very high, which unfortunetly, is normal for me. I've been having low grade fevers and pain. So I shouldn't be concerned?? So I see my grandma today, because I had to drop off my cat due to them spraying for bugs tomorrow. On the way out I ask if I can borrow a couple dollars for gas and I'll pay her back on Friday. She acts like it's a big deal and inconvenience and makes me feel like shit on the bottom of a shoe. Also I took my blood pressure there and it was high. I was concerned but she acted the same way as my mom. I'm also pissed, on another note, about the fact people are wanting to buy stuff for the baby from my registry but don't want to get the items I put on there. Well then don't buy them! That's all I can say. Most of the items I picked out special and if you don't like that then buy something different on the list or nothing at all. They are also bitching because alot of items can only be found online. Ok who doesn't have a computer in this day and age? You can request the item be sent to the store if you really wanted. Also some of the items lie and say they are only available online but I've found them in the store. So anyway it's frustrating. I don't know if I'm going to be moving or not now. To be honest I don't really like the trailer. To be completely honest I don't really want to live in a trailer period, but if I do I want it to be at least a bigger place than I have now. I mean the trailer we are thinking about renting really isn't much more space than we already have. And twice as much money! Also they don't want me having a cat. Well I'm not moving without Gary that's as simple as that. I don't know sometimes I swear nothing ever goes right and nobody even cares about me. I mean REALLY cares about me. I know John does on his own level but that's it. Half the time when I talk people ignore me anyway. That hurts you know. Well nobody probably even read this so no sense in going on. I need to lay down anyway.