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So life has taken a turn for the worse for me.
Recently I have just been totally lonely. I mean I have friends. But only if I do the driving, pay for the gas, buy the booze and smokes, and do what they want. So I guess I am getting used, but hey, I am acustomed to it thanks to all the abuse the so many have dropped on me.
There is supposed to be somone special in my life, but recently she is not around much (do to circumstances beyond my control) and when she is, she usually gets mad at me. So I have been failing horribly there also.
I am stuck here in my grandmother's home, which though I am greatful having a place to live, has destroyed much of my self confidence, my faith in myself, my happy go lucky and cheerful spirit. My Life is just miserable here. And personally the sight of seeing her trashed every signle night after she downs like 8 manhattens just really makes me feel bad. I mean, I drink and do some stuff on my Friday's and Saturday nights, but she does it EVERY DAY at 5:00pm sharp! So if I did want someone to come and chill with me for a DVD or on the patio, they have to deal with that.
These have been merging with the other problems I have been enduring. The difficulties finding a nice place to live with a reasonable price, friends that will actually willing to better themselves, the dead-end of further development at my job, the constant issues with my truck, and of course the most affecting element is the fact that I have been diagnosed with depression caused by being hyper-sexual. So considering that simple fact that I need some every day, and that I have been without any action at all since like, the end of last summer, I have really become worse.
Due to these factors I have been having like crying outbreaks, really hoorible bodys pains and aches, my metabolism has slown down big time, I have put on more weight (weighing 255lbs), really bad issues when I try to sleep, and the fact that I am constantly having visions of my own demise have forced me to see my doctor. I recently was placed on really strong shyte. Anti-depressants and anti-psychotics. I am hoping that these will give me just enough to at least get up, get through my work day, and get me home. I have begone isolating myself and I feel things may get even worse. I just hope it all gets better soon, otherise, I feel I may just end sooner. :'(
