Brat's blog: "I want to jump"

I can only pretend to be happy with who I am now.... What can fulfill the void that seems to be taking up my life? Maybe I'll find out one day :: sigh ::

Well who knows, is life what I wanted it to be? I was going to be married soon, I was living my dreams to the fullest. He cheated on me. He left me to feel like I'm a piece of shit. Now I'M HERE TO PICK UP MY OWN PIECES. I dont need a man to complete me, I dont want that. But it's still hard, I see pictures sometimes, and I think what if, what if I had done something better, what if we could have made it work. Oh well I'm a better person since I left him. Then my bestfriend asked me out, I had said no...but was jealous when he started dating someone else, that's my fault for being the way that I was. I don't think i'm ready for anything else anyway. Through the tears of heartache more has come into my life. Emilio died this week. I just found out today, I was at work crying, crying over his lost life. He was an amazing person, loved his family more than anything. Life finds ways to mend itself when you think it'll never be fixed again. Everything happens for a reason. We'll just have to see what those reasons are.... Until next time loves.

shoot, I hate when people say what they don't mean. My friends cousin keeps saying he loves me, I'm like Krissss don't say that. Serious. grrrrr, I dont wanna hear it if it isn't true. That's just a pet peeve

It took me long enough but I finally rid myself of the asshole David...it takes everything that I have to tell him to go away....but I do it every time. I didn't need that cheating sack of shit.

where did I go wrong? I don't understand why my life is the way it is. I mean Im happy, but I see where I was years ago, and I think I wish I was back there. But I shouldn't regret, just move forward, I just think I'm in a depressed mood

I just feel like no matter what choices I have to make I'm trapped inside one ultimate choice. It seems to me like no matter which one I make it all comes back to the same thing....frustrating as it may be, I think that's how my life goes. I feel like I'm stuck on a ride and theres no way to get off of it. Oh well such is life... this is how mines been going though, David moved back to KY, and I have to deal with a long distance relationship again. I'm working 60+ hours a week, plus school (which just got out for a month and 1/2 thank god) Then I have to hear David complain about how he wants to come back and live in Maryland because he can't take living with his family again. I'm sorry, but that's just putting too much stress on me right now. a. he wouldn't have a job if he came back here b. he wouldn't have a place to live if he came to Maryland. c. he can't just up and move himself everytime something doesn't work right for him. d. I just moved him back, and I'm not about to make another trip with all of his crap back down to maryland...especially if we both know he wouldn't have a place to stay! He just doesn't understand the stress he puts me under when he tries to do stuff like this! He says "it's my life it doesn't affect you" BULL SHIT. I'm part of his life too...it affects me A LOT. And I'm not ready for the stress. I'm done for now. Might write later, but it'd just be a waste of everyones time to read it.

so my "good friend" decides that he really doesn't want to be my friend anymore, in the stupidest way. He blocks me on myspace, so I decide to call him and Leave him a message even though he lives in canada, and I'm like hey *** what's the matter why aren't you talking to me now? He never calls me back, I try a few times, no reply. Its really frustrating b/c I don't even know what I did. But hey he's done it once before, and that's why I never jumped back into a friendship with him, soooo if he doesn't decide he wants to be my friend today then it's over for good. I'm not taking him back as a friend again, this is his last chance. Who knows why he's actually mad, maybe it's b/c I didn't come to see him again like I said I would (I've been too busy working) kdgajsdlgasdl;kgasjdg Life is frustrating sometimes, but I won't let it get me down. If he really wants to do this then he wasn't a friend to begin with, there goes 2 years down the drain.

so I went to walmart to get fish as a surprise present for David...and Karen and I go to his house, and set the fish tank up and start cleaning his house....we open the door for some fresh air, and we see the cat david has been taking care of...it was so cute...Jon comes up, and this drunk guy follows him yelling and cussing...he FREAKED ME out so bad...karen wouldnt shut her mouth though, she had to argue with the drunk guy, and I just wanted to lock myself in the house haha, and then david came up and saved us from the freak.

I left him at home while I went off to college this last time, he's the only thing that kept me sane here....blah, but he's much happier with space to run around and places to jump. My little bunny :( I'll see him in two weeks. thanks for listening to my boring blog. b