That is I've come to realize why I've been thinking so much of jesse the last few weeks. I always felt like he was unfairly ripped away from me. Yes, he had to apply to become a warrant officer, that's something that he chose, almost like it chose him. It was something that he wanted, and I could NEVER in my life have dared to try and change his mind.
I'm so happy and proud of him for going after what he wanted, and actually getting it. So few people get the dream that they chase after, we merely settle for the best we can get, and stop striving for more. He attained what he wnted, even if it means that it's without me anymore.
But it's May now…
The month that we thought he was going to be leaving, not now. If things had worked the way we thought they might, we would just be getting ready to part ways, not having been separated for the last few months. I have to say, there have been many days that I have wondered what if anything would be different… would he want me to move with him, would he still tell me that he thinks it would be better off for me and the kids, and his peace of mind if I moved on? In his words, found someone better, someone awesomer? I don't know and I never will…
But it just hurts so much to be the person that changed his mind, even if only to make him think it could be okay to get married again. I hate being the one that makes broken guys see that they can love someone again. I just wish that they could see me as that person, and not someone else after me.
I guess mikey was right, no matter how cold it may sound, he doesn't think it's my time right now. And that I'm doing this for a reason, I'm patching people up and making them better for someone else, I'm improving their lives… right? But why doesn't it feel like that?
Why do I have to miss him so effing much. I feel like a pile of crap lately, a bawling piece of crap. I can cry at the drop of a hat, just seeing something that reminds me of him or of how much I love him. And why do I have to love him so much?
I feel like I'm hanging on for the off chance that when all is said and done, when all these schools are finished, that he'll come back here, and we can start over again… it's just not fair and it hurts so damn much…
But that's it, that's all, no one wants be hear of be around sad or lonely kate…
since the mood that i want isn't a selection, it's:
mood: broken
