Mandamae's blog: "I'm never really lost .. Just on the edge of being found"

From the very beginning I knew there was something "special" about Ian. And when I say "beginning" I mean from pregnancy. He was my second child so his was not my first pregnancy. I had feeling of euphoria, tho I did not know that is what I was experiencing. I would just describe it as a deep feeling of love and happiness for no reason at all, it would just overwhelm me all of a sudden. The day before Ian was born I had an ultrasound and the Dr. finally said I was having a boy. I had known all along because I had bought nothing but boy clothes and I had everything I needed way before he was due to arrive. But I had never really wanted to have a boy, because of a friend who had 3 boys who were very hyper and unruly and me being a very patient individual says a lot if I thought they were crazy boys. So that night I was falling asleep I rubbed my tummy and told Ian "It's ok Ian you can come out I'm gonna love you more than you can imagine." I was in labor all night and thought it was braxton hicks contractions. The next morning Ian was delivered by a planned c-section 3 weeks before his due date weighing 7lbs and 12oz. His father told me many times he was smiling right away. Ian was a very engaging infant from the very beginning. For pictures, to make him smile, all I had to do was tap his arm just above his elbow with the tips of my first two fingers and he would smile really huge. He would find the most smallest things on the floor. He absolutely hated Tummy Time, but Loved to stare up at the ceiling fan. And if you walked past a window you had better of stopped for him to enjoy the brightness of the sun and the greenness of the trees. He started babbling around 3 months and was saying mama to eat and dada when he was hurt or sad or scared. He loved baths and still does. He learned to walk on Christmas. he stopped letting me rock him at about 2 months that was when he was able to rock himself back and forth and he continued to do this for hours every night till recently now he has calmed down, he doesn't do it all night but he does do it to fall asleep or relax. He used to laugh and talk to someone who wasn't there I really believe he thinks this "friend" is there tickling him. "BaBa" came next around 9 months I'd say and then "NO" around 15 months "Ally" (his sister) was around 18 months and then nothing more till he was 2 he would say More and Cup. That was pretty much the extent of his verbal development till he was about 3 then he gained maybe 5 words a yr. Most of the time we just knew what he wanted so we gave it to him or he would point. Many fits were thrown by not only Ian but those around him due to misunderstanding and miscommunication. He loves loud movies, action packed movies, he always has. He didn't fully understand the humor in a movie till he was 4 and laughed at Garfield when he fell in the movie I remember that day as if it were yesterday because Ian laughed like he had never laughed before. BIG AND BOISTEROUS. I think Ian would be perfectly content and never upset or angry or hurt if he could just communicate with the rest of us. He lashes out at others only when he is misunderstood or feels ignored. It all can be backlogged to not getting his point across. I used to hate going anywhere public with Ian. I became a sort of recluse in many ways. Friends didn't understand because I didn't understand. My friend of 8 yrs thought my son was a "bad seed" or just plain Naughty. But I always found myself saying when some situation would arise with Ian "What happened?" or "What did _____ do to Ian to make him hit them?" And looking back I can see why people would think I was just enabling or taking my son's side in everything as if I felt he could do no wrong. But I knew deep down there was something I don't want to say "wrong" with Ian because I really do not feel there is anything wrong with Ian. I think he is beautiful and when others look past the things he does they see it too. He has this light about him and until he was diagnosed and I did some research I never understood why I felt differently about him than I do my daughter. I am not saying I love him more because I do not I just feel closer to him as if I understand him more and as if I bonded more with him. This could be because I feel I have to be more protective of him or there more for him than her I do not know the answer to that yet I hope someday I will... But as I was saying when doing my research i came across a paragraph that was telling what many parents of Autistic Children have said and the main thing was that their child had this aura or light about them that their other children never had. I have lost friendships due to either my protectiveness of Ian or other's ignorance or maybe a lot of both. I have also gained a wonderful friendship that I probably never would have gained had it not been for the fact that both our children have Autism (PDD-nos). I owe a great deal to her for helping me a long the way and every day she helps me more. Being around her son actually helps me to understand my own a little more. She also calms me when I want to pull my hair out and give up. And Yes I have had moments where I have wanted to give up or wondered if Ian would be better off with someone else and any parent who has an autistic child who says they haven't ever not once felt the same is lying and that is okay ... it is a very hard thing to admit. I have been blamed for his unruly behavior. I have been told "It's my fault Ian is the way he is" by his own father before he was diagnosed. I have been raising Ian pretty much by myself since December of 2004. I left Ian's father due to Domestic Violence. He was involved in his life every few months for the first yr after we split up and then just up and stopped one day. Christmas 2005 to be exact. I worry constantly about the effects this is going to have on Ian and how he will grow into a man. I do not know if this is for the better or not. I deep down believe he has a lot to gain from having his father in his life but I can not control this tho if I could I would. The Good Side: Since Ian's diagnosis he has come so far by leaps an bounds. He talks all of the time. He doesn't have as many outbursts of anger and he don't hit as often as he used to. He swears quiet a bit tho still. Tho if everyone around him ignores it completely he does it less. But this is hard because he is around other children constantly who know this is wrong and they have to tell us what he said. He can count to 10 but only on his terms, he will not when asked or he will but incorrectly. Ian gives affection. I have been asked by a few people "Well if he has Autism then why does he hug people?" That is another thing that drives you insane and makes you kind of angry... People are always second guessing his diagnosis as if you haven't done that almost every day since the day your child was finally diagnosed. I keep expecting some teacher or therapist to say "Well Miss. Knapp we made a mistake but the good thing is your son has never had Autism and will lead a perfectly normal life!" I know I will never be told they made a mistake and I know he will lead a normal life... it will just take a lot of work and patience. Hope is a huge thing in my life, something I try to never let go of. It is like my beacon to tomorrow and I'm holding it up high for him to see, so that if he ever loses his way he will see it shinning above showing him the way. Ian hugs because I hug him all the time but if you pay attention to his body he tightens up when hugged I do not know if he really enjoys it or if it hurts him or if he enjoys it tho it hurts him but I can not not hug him or give him affection or he will grow up cold.

How do you make him understand No amount of light, can throw out the dark Covering all of everything experienced, to come Black as night without a candle, to see the way. There is no fix Time isn't always on the side of what was, Will always seem to be what is to come Holding the tears at bay, is the only way of self preservation. The sacred right of those who have felt the pain. Inflictions of love thrust upon our throats, so that to the very day of death, it will consume all greatness. Call it what you will; Staying in the past Not letting go Holding on too long Slice it how you'd like, Breathing becomes a fight, when we take flight.... It's not you we are escaping It's what was What will always be right there before us Our hell is never ending a lil shout an angry outburst simple human things bring it all back... Untill your living in our nightmares Please don't tell us its over Don't say it's alright don't invalidate it like that it's the same as saying it's all in our minds it never was oh and how it was Prisoners are what we are Yes, the bars are gone chains broken, laying on the floor of our hearts but how they weigh so much laying there Constantly reminding us Of the feel of his hands The sharpness of his biting words The sound of our distant screams The ones he could hear Our silent cry breaking free Laying there trying not to let him know it hurts When he makes you feel as if you are Nothing Nothing more then his glove wondering over and over why do I Love © 2006 Amanda Knapp (All rights reserved) Sunday, August 06, 2006, 9:19:09 PM

In this year... In 2006 I . . . [ ] stayed single [x] got kissed [x] kissed someone new [x] made out in a car [] kissed in the rain [x] fell in love [x] fell out of love [x] had my heart broken [x] broke someone else's heart [] had a stalker [x] had a good relationship with someone [x] lost a friend [x] questioned my sexual orientation [ ] came out of my closet [ ] got pregnant [ ] had an abortion [ ] got married [ ] had a divorce [x] met someone that I will never forget [x] did something I regret [] lost my true love [ ] lost faith in love [] kissed under a mistletoe [ ] got a promotion [ ] got a pay raise [] changed jobs [] lost my job [] quit my job [ ] dated my boss [] dated my boss's son/ daughter [ ] got fired from my job [x] did something I was proud of [x] discovered a new talent [x] proved myself an idiot [x] was involved in something that I will never forget [x] painted a picture [x] wrote a poem [ ] ran a mile 2000 times [x] listened to music I couldn't stand [] skinny dipped [x] went to a sleepover [x] went to a campground [x] threw a surprise party [x] laughed till I cried [ ] laughed till I peed my pants [x] flirted shamelessly [] visited a foreign country [x] visited a foreign state [ ] cooked a disastrous meal [x] lost something important to me [x] got a gift I love [x] realized something new about myself [x] dyed my hair [x] came close to losing my life [] someone close to me died [x] went to a wild party [x] drank alcohol [x] got drunk (way more than I have in the last 10 yrs combined) [ ] got arrested [x] read a great book [x] saw a great movie [x] saw a movie so scary that it made me cry [ ] saw a favorite band live [x] did something that I want to tell everyone [x] experienced something new [x] made new friends [x] found out who your real friends are [x] lied to your parents [x] snuck out [x] got in trouble with police [] kissed in a pool/hot tub [x] kissed under the stars [x] smoked [x] did illegal drugs [x] went to a party [x] had the time of your life [x] danced [x] had a crush on someone [ ] changed your sexual preference [x] swam in a pool [] made a snowman [ ] went snowboaring [ ] went sledding [] slept in past 2 pm [x] held someones hand that you care about [x] got wasted in a public place [x] gone on vacation [x] gone on vacation with a friend [x] driven a car [ ] played strip poker [x] danced in the rain [ ] got in a car accident [] seen someone get in a car accident [x] got in a fist fight [x] laughed until you couldn't breathe [x] had an amazing year [x] missed someone [ ] got hit by car [ ] sent someone to the hospital [x] visited someone in the hospital [x] got a new pet [x] enjoyed this year overall

I've been looking in the mirror for so long. That I've come to believe my souls on the other side. Oh the little pieces falling, shatter. Shards of me, To sharp to put back together. To small to matter, But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces. If I try to touch her, And I bleed, I bleed, And I breathe, I breathe no more. Take a breath and I try to draw from my spirits well. Yet again you refuse to drink like a stubborn child. Lie to me, Convince me that I've been sick forever. And all of this, Will make sense when I get better. I know the difference, Between myself and my reflection. I just can't help but to wonder, Which of us do you love. So I bleed, I bleed, And I breathe, I breathe now... Bleed, I bleed, And I breathe, I breathe, I breathe- I breathe no more. ~Evanescence~

Wait Under a blackened sky far beyond the glaring streetlights sleeping on empty dreams the vultures lie in wait. You lay down beside me then you were with me every waking hour so close I could feel your breath. When all we wanted was the dream to have and to hold that precious little thing like every generation yields the new born hope unjaded by the years. Pressed up against the glass I found myself wanting sympathy but to be consumed again oh I know would be the death of me and there is a love that's inherently given a kind of blindness offered to decieve and in that light of forbidden joy oh I know I won't recieve it. When all we wanted was the dream to have and to hold that precious little thing like every generation yields the newborn hope unjaded by their years. You know if I leave you now it doesn't mean I love you any less its just the state I'm in I can't be good to anyone else like this. When all we wanted was the dream to have and to hold that precious little thing like every generation yields the newborn hope unjaded by their years... Fallen ~Sarah Mclachlan~ Heaven Bend to take my hand And lead me through the fire Be the long awaited answer To a long and painful fight Truth be told I tried my best But somewhere long the way I got caught up in all there was to offer But the cost was so much more than I could bear Though I've tried I've fallen I have sunk so low I messed up Better I should know So don't come round here and Tell me I told you so We all begin out with good intent When love is raw and young We believe that we can change ourselves The past can be undone But we carry on our back the burdens time always reveals In the lonely light of morning In the wound that would not heal It's the bitter taste of losing everything I've held so dear Though I've tried I've fallen I have sunk so low I messed up Better I should know So don't come round here and Tell me I told you so Heaven bend to take my hand I've nowhere left to turn I'm lost to these I thought were friends To everyone I know Oh they turn their heads embarrassed Pretend that they don't see That it's one wrong step one slip before you know it And there doesn't seem away to be redeemed Though I've tried I've fallen I have sunk so low I messed up Better I should know So don't come round here and Tell me I told you so I messed up Better I should know So don't come round here and Tell me I told you so Everything Breaks Sometime by Jewel Kilcher Under the shadows, forbidden and hot Desire grows, more often than not I'm sorry's a stupid thing to say Especially considering it's not like I planned it this way But I'm sorry is all that there is left of me I'm so sorry this love made me hollow and left you empty Maybe I could have loved you better Maybe you should have loved me more Maybe our hearts were just next in line Maybe everything breaks sometime Everything breaks sometime It's hard to believe its boiled down to this It seems so surreal this won't be healed by a kiss It's hard to stare at you knowing you like I have I used to feel so close, now I feel so bad My heart's filled with thunderstorms and I'm ready to burst And I've lost my favorite harbor and I'll weather for the worst Maybe I could have loved you better Maybe you should have loved me more Maybe our hearts were just next in line Maybe everything breaks sometime Everything breaks sometime I'm so sorry, everything breaks sometime

Break Me - Jewel I will meet you In some place Where the light lends itself To soft repose I will let you undress me But I warn you I have thorns like any rose You could hurt me With your bare hands You could hurt me Using the sharp end of what you say But I’m lost to you now And there’s no amount of reason That could save me Chorus: So break me Take me Just let me feel your arms again Break me I’ll let you make me Just let me feel your love again Feels like being underwater Now that I’ve let go And lost control Water kisses fill my mouth Water fills my soul Chorus Bridge: Kiss me once Well, maybe twice Oh, it never felt so nice Chorus Just let me feel your love again DEEP WATER When you find yourself falling down Your hopes in the sky but your heart like grape gum on the ground And you try to find yourself In the abstractions of religion and the cruelty of everyone else And you wake up to realize Your standard of living somehow got stuck on survive And when you're standing in deep water And you're bailing yourself out with a straw When you're drowning in deep water And you wake up making love to a wall Well it's these little times that help to remind It's nothing without love When you realize your only friend has never been yourself or anyone who cared in the end That's when everything fades or falls away Cause the chains which once held us are only the chains which we've made And when you're standing in deep water And you're bailing yourself out with a straw When you're drowning in deep water And you wake up making love to a wall Well it's these little times that help to remind It's nothing without love Love, love, it's nothing without love We compromised our pride, sacrifice our health We must demand more, not from each other, but more from ourselves Cause when you're standing in deep water And you're bailing yourself out with a straw When you're drowning in deep water And you wake up making love to a wall Well it's these little times that help to remind It's nothing without love Love, love, it's nothing without love It's nothing without love

I didn't ask for this I didn't see it coming Why put me in this place Why bring me high Why make me happy Why whisper sweetly in my ear Why give me dreams Just to take them all away What were your intentions Because all of mine have always been so damn, too damn, Pure And maybe its so hard for me to Fathom Your Friendly ways, were wars of enemies on my country of Soul Yes I took down my Walls You would have climbed them anyways Purposes to burn Purposely to scortch My nature I refuse to be Hardened by what I thought would be my Completeness I will NOT change I wont hold up my Swords of Words and Strike you down My Intentions will Always be Pure © 2006 Amanda Knapp (All rights reserved) Sunday, January 29, 2006, 11:38:24 AM

time oh sweet time if you could hurry up stop being yourself cuz ur burning away at me, night after day, im waiting for it just to be subsided by the time people say we need to get over the loss when the loss is more than you can bear when going on hurts just as much as letting go and just bein is like a slow stand drawing the life out of you when every thought leads to the face of reality and its a beautiful face one you can remember from the before your times like an anciently old drawing from your soul left for you to search out and be found by, beauties you hadn't realised possessed in you, till you found the embrace of the one who made you easily give all, not a sound held back sylables of I Love You flowing freely for all of the world to see till this one has become your whole world tossedgonewrecked and so now my eye is twitching once again ill say good morning now and end this © 2006 Amanda Knapp (All rights reserved) Wednesday, February 01, 2006, 6:46:11 AM

walking away has become a natural process possessing me like a great divide between your heart and mine grasping an object not mine to obtain consuming tasks of the mind imagining elusive interludes of lovers touches that only those inlove can commit and they are tieing and binding freely givin compassionately originated pictures worth a thousand words painted by dots of you and i i crave the feel of my hand in your palm my lips sweetly surrendered under your smile making love to our own way of dictation only we together could understand Thursday, February 16, 2006, 8:36:33 PM © 2006 Amanda Knapp (All rights reserved)

across the greatest of divides I stumble for a reach just a breath away sometimes it seems wandering just outside the corners of yours and mine this game we play the treading to and fro here i am and there you be ur shirt says ur waiting for me but you cant see the sign behind says Not quite Yet I pronounced Id wait but was a lie i didnt i cant i wont first chance i get ill snatch and hold close to my chest professing love i can not even fathom only wishing i was capable of something so deep and holding yet bitter still better enjoy while it lasts thats what they say im only gemini born this way got to keep both of me happy working on you would become to easy if you would only admitt most of the time im full of shit Tuesday, January 17, 2006, 9:44:21 AM © 2006 Amanda Knapp (All rights reserved)