From the very beginning I knew there was something "special" about Ian. And when I say "beginning" I mean from pregnancy. He was my second child so his was not my first pregnancy. I had feeling of euphoria, tho I did not know that is what I was experiencing. I would just describe it as a deep feeling of love and happiness for no reason at all, it would just overwhelm me all of a sudden.
The day before Ian was born I had an ultrasound and the Dr. finally said I was having a boy. I had known all along because I had bought nothing but boy clothes and I had everything I needed way before he was due to arrive. But I had never really wanted to have a boy, because of a friend who had 3 boys who were very hyper and unruly and me being a very patient individual says a lot if I thought they were crazy boys. So that night I was falling asleep I rubbed my tummy and told Ian "It's ok Ian you can come out I'm gonna love you more than you can imagine." I was in labor all night and thought it was braxton hicks contractions. The next morning Ian was delivered by a planned c-section 3 weeks before his due date weighing 7lbs and 12oz. His father told me many times he was smiling right away.
Ian was a very engaging infant from the very beginning. For pictures, to make him smile, all I had to do was tap his arm just above his elbow with the tips of my first two fingers and he would smile really huge. He would find the most smallest things on the floor. He absolutely hated Tummy Time, but Loved to stare up at the ceiling fan. And if you walked past a window you had better of stopped for him to enjoy the brightness of the sun and the greenness of the trees. He started babbling around 3 months and was saying mama to eat and dada when he was hurt or sad or scared. He loved baths and still does. He learned to walk on Christmas. he stopped letting me rock him at about 2 months that was when he was able to rock himself back and forth and he continued to do this for hours every night till recently now he has calmed down, he doesn't do it all night but he does do it to fall asleep or relax. He used to laugh and talk to someone who wasn't there I really believe he thinks this "friend" is there tickling him. "BaBa" came next around 9 months I'd say and then "NO" around 15 months "Ally" (his sister) was around 18 months and then nothing more till he was 2 he would say More and Cup. That was pretty much the extent of his verbal development till he was about 3 then he gained maybe 5 words a yr. Most of the time we just knew what he wanted so we gave it to him or he would point. Many fits were thrown by not only Ian but those around him due to misunderstanding and miscommunication. He loves loud movies, action packed movies, he always has. He didn't fully understand the humor in a movie till he was 4 and laughed at Garfield when he fell in the movie I remember that day as if it were yesterday because Ian laughed like he had never laughed before. BIG AND BOISTEROUS.
I think Ian would be perfectly content and never upset or angry or hurt if he could just communicate with the rest of us. He lashes out at others only when he is misunderstood or feels ignored. It all can be backlogged to not getting his point across.
I used to hate going anywhere public with Ian. I became a sort of recluse in many ways. Friends didn't understand because I didn't understand. My friend of 8 yrs thought my son was a "bad seed" or just plain Naughty. But I always found myself saying when some situation would arise with Ian "What happened?" or "What did _____ do to Ian to make him hit them?" And looking back I can see why people would think I was just enabling or taking my son's side in everything as if I felt he could do no wrong. But I knew deep down there was something I don't want to say "wrong" with Ian because I really do not feel there is anything wrong with Ian. I think he is beautiful and when others look past the things he does they see it too. He has this light about him and until he was diagnosed and I did some research I never understood why I felt differently about him than I do my daughter. I am not saying I love him more because I do not I just feel closer to him as if I understand him more and as if I bonded more with him. This could be because I feel I have to be more protective of him or there more for him than her I do not know the answer to that yet I hope someday I will... But as I was saying when doing my research i came across a paragraph that was telling what many parents of Autistic Children have said and the main thing was that their child had this aura or light about them that their other children never had.
I have lost friendships due to either my protectiveness of Ian or other's ignorance or maybe a lot of both.
I have also gained a wonderful friendship that I probably never would have gained had it not been for the fact that both our children have Autism (PDD-nos). I owe a great deal to her for helping me a long the way and every day she helps me more. Being around her son actually helps me to understand my own a little more. She also calms me when I want to pull my hair out and give up. And Yes I have had moments where I have wanted to give up or wondered if Ian would be better off with someone else and any parent who has an autistic child who says they haven't ever not once felt the same is lying and that is okay ... it is a very hard thing to admit.
I have been blamed for his unruly behavior. I have been told "It's my fault Ian is the way he is" by his own father before he was diagnosed.
I have been raising Ian pretty much by myself since December of 2004. I left Ian's father due to Domestic Violence. He was involved in his life every few months for the first yr after we split up and then just up and stopped one day. Christmas 2005 to be exact. I worry constantly about the effects this is going to have on Ian and how he will grow into a man. I do not know if this is for the better or not. I deep down believe he has a lot to gain from having his father in his life but I can not control this tho if I could I would.
The Good Side:
Since Ian's diagnosis he has come so far by leaps an bounds. He talks all of the time. He doesn't have as many outbursts of anger and he don't hit as often as he used to. He swears quiet a bit tho still. Tho if everyone around him ignores it completely he does it less. But this is hard because he is around other children constantly who know this is wrong and they have to tell us what he said. He can count to 10 but only on his terms, he will not when asked or he will but incorrectly. Ian gives affection. I have been asked by a few people "Well if he has Autism then why does he hug people?" That is another thing that drives you insane and makes you kind of angry... People are always second guessing his diagnosis as if you haven't done that almost every day since the day your child was finally diagnosed. I keep expecting some teacher or therapist to say "Well Miss. Knapp we made a mistake but the good thing is your son has never had Autism and will lead a perfectly normal life!" I know I will never be told they made a mistake and I know he will lead a normal life... it will just take a lot of work and patience. Hope is a huge thing in my life, something I try to never let go of. It is like my beacon to tomorrow and I'm holding it up high for him to see, so that if he ever loses his way he will see it shinning above showing him the way.
Ian hugs because I hug him all the time but if you pay attention to his body he tightens up when hugged I do not know if he really enjoys it or if it hurts him or if he enjoys it tho it hurts him but I can not not hug him or give him affection or he will grow up cold.
