i'm confused about what year it is! i feel like it's 1994 & i am 16 cos i'm wearing a Nirvana shirt & baby hair barrettes!
my mom just told me i was pretty...which she hasn't said for awhile. i guess cos i've a big fat hoggy for a few years....,
when i was growing up i never thought i was ugly cos my mom always told me i was pretty. when i got to high school i felt ugly cos i was a nerd with long stringy hair & glasses.
i was just a total geek. but once i got outta high school i wanted to prove that i could look better....so i got contacts & lost weight. even tho back then i was never ever really fat i just thought i was. i was always pretty skinny. i may have gained 10 pounds at the most my junior year. so when i was 19 & 20 i was the thinnest i've ever been & people always told me i was HOT & i liked it. my weight fluctuated A LOT in the following years. i'd gain 10 pounds lose 5 gain 15 & lose it. once i started drinking & going out to bars i loved being called a "hottie" & guys thinking i was sexy & whatever. i got more drunk off of the compliments than i did the booze. so i was insecure but came off as vain & was constantly seeking attention & approval of boys. & looks was all that mattered to me at the time. i was a bit superficial.& it was mostly just about sex anyway. but once i got with jamie i knew it was for life. & he wasn't in love with me cos of how i looked he loved me for ME. cos he was my friend for so long...i knew him & knew how he was with girls so i knew it was the real thing. so once we got married i packed on the pounds cos i knew i didn't have anyone to impress! i didn't care if other boys looked at me & didn't seek anything for any other guys. i still don't.but i hated being invisible becos i was fat & ugly & frumpy (atleast in my mind!) & now that i have lost 20 pounds i'm feeling pretty good about myself! i still have more weight to lose but i haven't felt this good since 2007 when i lost weight from being vegan! it's not about being pretty or hot anymore. it just gives my confidence a little boost & i like it! i was all hung up on being "the old jolie" for a long time. stuck on the feeling that i had to look like i used to to be & feel how i used to. but i am not the same person anymore anyway. (she's sill in there someone--she's just more grown up now!) & i'm different on the inside AND the outside.
BUT I FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF!!!!yep...i got my groove back.
happy
