Deborah BC SURVIVOR's blog: "Hopeless Romantic"

One day my family and I were at home here in the Inland Empire. The sun was bright, even a little bit blinding and nice an warm out. Earlier it had been cool and cloudy that morning, in a few hours, the day had changed dramatically; we were in a beautiful hot, SUNNY SOUTHER CALIFORNIA summer day. Minutes later, standing in the family room at my home, suddenly, the whole atmosphere changed. A huge wind came up out of nowhere, trees were being tossed every which way as the wind howled crazily down the hillside and blowing in a sudden rage around the houses. Leaves blew furiously high into the air, in every mixed up direction. I’d never seen anything like. And my huge sunbrella on the front veranda and blown down and into the front yard. In ten minutes it was over. As suddenly as it started, the trees stopped moving, the leaves fell to the earth, everything became quiet – and that beautiful, Southern California summer resumed as if nothing had happened. This is breast cancer, I thought. This is exactly what it is like. A whirlwind that comes out of nowhere, that comes quickly, out of the blue and completely changes everything. You’re left gasping for breath, if you can breathe at all. Breast cancer creates and leaves its own form of destruction behind. Breast cancer may feel as if a giant hand has reached into your life, picked everything up and tossed it all into the air. Now, you get to see where it all lands and what your life will look like. Some things are more challenging, some things may become better. You meet some wonderful helping people. People who have been diagnosed with breast cancer; people who are highly trained in the breast cancer field; volunteers who give of their time to make life a little easier for you. These are people who know breast cancer. You will be overwhelmed at times. You cannot do this breast cancer journey alone. You will need a buddy to go to appointments. A close or a new relationship may become even closer. Some people will be kind; you will be amazed at such generosity of time and spirit. Some people will be CRUEL. One woman said to me, "You friends will desert you." Breast cancer patients often talk about the look they see on the faces of people when they learn they have cancer. They feel hurt and isolated when they sense a withdrawing. Many friends and even loved ones disappear. It will impact on your relationships. One woman said, "My husband has not hugged me since I was diagnosed." Marriages have failed. Others have thrived. Even in the midst of love, you may feel isolated and alone. After all, this is your journey; the others may walk beside you but you walk on the path. ALONE. During your journey with breast cancer, your emotions take a trip of their own. You may cry copious tears at unexpected times. Like the whirlwind, emotions can be a flurry that whips up in an otherwise calm, sweet moment. Sometimes you dread being with others because you never know what you’ll do or what they’ll say. Best intentions may go astray and hurt terribly. There is anger. Your own anger and the anger of others will flash up in a storm. It will hurt. People will generously offer their assistance only to turn a deaf ear when you accept it. You will need help. Shopping may be very tiring and difficult but you need nutritious food, good water and even getting out to see the world outside of the cancer clinic or a doctor’s office does still exist is important. Once you’ve had surgery or treatment for your breast cancer you will need help with heavier housework. You’ll be amazed at how heavy a pot can be and how high or low a shelf has become. A vacuum cleaner that you never paid much attention to before is now a heavy cumbersome weight. This is a time to say "I need help" to family, friends, fellow church members, and co-workers. Accept it graciously. Ignore the help that never shows up. Rise above the unkindness and neglect of those who should have and could have helped you. They have their own problems. Hard as it is, this is a time for you to let it go. You need loving kindness around you. Gentleness that understands your many mood swings. You need a healing peacefulness. Create it as much as you can. When I was diagnosed, I created a sanctuary in my room. I bought apple green sheets with a matching cotton blanket. Green is a healing colour. I bought a bouquet of white tulips and set them in a vase in a corner of my bedroom where I could see it easily. I put pictures of my family nearby. Because my family is what and where my strength and HOPE comes from. I am so blessed with those in my life that LOVE me and Care for me.. and for them I am forever grateful and blessed. Be well in whatever way you can. And know that you are loved. Somewhere out there, someone is thinking about you.

About 5 weeks have past since my diagnosis of Infiltrating Ductal Carcinoma. As I have trooped through all the scans and tests, I have come to a realization: part of me feels betrayed by my body. It allowed a malicious alien to form its weapons in me with the intent to own and destroy all that I am. Yet, it has also been my friend at the same time. In an act of merciful kindness it has thrust me into a deeper reliance on God. It pushed me willingly closer to my Father, the Healer and Comforter. All things fall into proper perspective when the triviality of daily activity ceases to be trivial. My children are more precious, my moments more dear. Best of all, God will be glorified by the healing He performs on my body. My daughter pointed out that Jesus came for our healing. When he left, the disciples were charged with continuing to heal. These were the acts of God, not miracles - but what He has for us. (Miraculous, indeed - the gift of a Father who loves His children.) So, Cancer, my friend, thank you for reminding me where my focus belongs. Praise God! And a huge THANK YOU to my FAMILY and FRIENDS for all the love and support.. YOU ALL ROCK.. YOU ALL GIVE ME STRENGTH to fight my DRAGON. I will be starting my CHEMO in 10 days, so be prepared for a hairless HOPLESS ROMANTIC :) Isn't this disease horrific to women.. first I lost my breast and now I am going to loose my long hair to this DRAGON... But.. I will just pray for peace withing and keep fighting GOD'S BLESSING TO ALL THANK YOU JEANNETTE and GRAPHIXs for being HERE for me.. I LOVE YOU BOTH so MUCH AND my Beautiful Gracie.. her smile makes my day Sweetest HUGS ONE DAY AT A TIME

Just wanted to share with all who love and care about me my FIGHT with Breast Cancer. My spirit is great and for today all is great....For today I have found this to be life changing like it says in a song of Tim Magraw's "Live Like You Where Dying". I find that it is better to live life as I always have. Or do my best to keep life status quo! My family and friends... are everything to me! Yes, YOU! It may be MY DRAGON.. but I WILL WIN!! I trust my family and hold fast to the rail, of hope and courage and ...... I'll fight like hell ! God has taught me to not sweat the small stuff, and to appreciate my family and friends. My love to everyone Sweetest Hugs Deborah Hopefull DRAGON SLAYER!

Just wanted to share with all who love and care about me my experience with Breast Cancer. My spirit is great and for today all is great.For today :) It is a little different to share an illness with my daughter. I so hate having her so full of worry, it just tears my heart out. I have found this to be life changing like it says in a song of Tim Magraw's "Live Like You Where Dying". I find that it is better to live life as I always have. Or do my best to keep life status quo! My family is everything to me! I found the man I am suppose to be with and my daughter is getting married sometimes this year...LOL That is exactly why my illness will not own me, or define me! It may be MY DRAGON.. and I WILL WIN!! I trust my help and hold fast to the rail, of hope and courage and ...... I'll fight like hell ! God has taught me to not sweat the small stuff, and to appreciate my family and friends. My love to everyone Sweetest Hugs Deborah Hopefull DRAGON SLAYER!

I'm not much of a bumper sticker person. That's mostly because the vast majority of bumper stickers either fall into the "Who cares?", the "That's stupid" or the "That type's way too small for me to read while I'm driving" camp. On the rare occasion that I see a clever bumper sticker, I think, that's clever. Then I go back to paying attention to the road, because the "I was reading a bumper sticker" defense doesn't work with the poh-lice. Yesterday, while driving home from work, I saw one on the back of a car that made me think. "FUCK WAR" No, it didn't make me think about war, or about my stance on war, or about whether I wanted to fuck war or not. It made me think about how I felt seeing that on the back of a car. Whether I thought it was an appropriate place for something with the word "FUCK" so prominently displayed. I spent the rest of my drive in a battle with myself. The parent me thought, I appreciate the sentiment, but I'd really rather you showed some class and considered the amount of children who will see that on a daily basis. George Bush isn't going to see it. Sure, some of the pro-war crowd will see it, and think, fuck you, slacker, and then continue to be pro-war. But a lot of kids are going to see it, too. Little kids. So show some class. The rebellious me, however, thought, if that's the way you feel, tell everyone. Seeing the word "fuck" isn't going to traumatize a child. It might actually spark a conversation between parent and child. A healthy conversation about language and freedom of speech and individuality. I'm still being pulled in both directions. How do you feel about it?

I Coken't believe people would think corporations would stoop so low. Pepsi it's our lack of faith in big business? I think most bloggers would never allow a company to Target their blog with such practices. Of Coors I could be wrong. Ford many years now companies have been trying to find a way to reach consumers Direct, T.V. doesn't always work. Maybe somewhere on the Verizon there will be a blogger who tries to make money off of big business, but for now we say "no" and let the Lay's chips fall where they may.

$20.00 Sometimes we just need to be reminded! A well-known speaker started off his seminar by:holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill. He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air. Well, he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now, who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air. My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE and WHOSE WE ARE. You are special - Don't EVER forget it."

I'm the girl who will put her head on your shoulder, not because I'm sleepy, but because I want to be closer to you... I'm the girl who likes to be kissed in the rain, more than in an expensive resturant... I'm the girl who says, "Okay, but you owe me..." jokingly. Not because I actually want something, but because it means I get to spend more time with you and I care... I'm the girl you can take absolutely anywhere and I will have fun because it means I am spending time with you... I'm the girl who is incredibly picky, but when I find someone I like I want to spend the whole night curled up in their arms... I'm the girl who never forgets all the sweet little things you do for me... I'm the girl who once I let you into my heart, there's always a place there with your name on it. And even if we spend time apart, I'm the girl who never forgets you.. I'm the girl who loves to end a hug with a kiss.. I'm the girl who you can talk to about anything.. I'm the girl who laughs at your jokes... I'm the girl who will brag about you to all of my friends... i'm the girl who will listen to you talk... I'm the girl who loves it when you hug me for no apparent reason... I'm the girl who loves it when you hug me from behind or kiss me on the cheek... I'm the girl who loves the feeling when you take me by the hand without saying a word... I'm the girl who loves you for you, and doesn't care what other people say about us...

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more. I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting. I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger. I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting. I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess. I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye. Sweetest Hugs Miss Chanel

If you are not a Jay Leno fan read what he wrote anyway. My respect and esteem For him has really increased. "The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across some poll Data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true given the source, Right? The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with the Direction the country is headed and 69 percent of the country is unhappy With the performance of the president. In essence 2/3s of the citizenry Just ain't happy and want a change. So being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, ''What are we so Unhappy about?'' Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in The summer and heating in the winter? Could it be that 95.4 percent of These unhappy folks have a job? & nbsp;Maybe it is the ability to walk into A grocery store at any time and see more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year? Maybe it is the ability to drive from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean without having to present identification papers as we move through Each state? Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would Find along the way that can provide temporary shelter? I guess having Thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the world is just Not good enough. Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency Workers show up and provide services to help all and even send a helicopter To take you to the hospital. Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home. You may Be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of Trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top notch equipment to Extinguish the flames thus saving you, your family and your belongings. Or If, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or Prowler intrudes , an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest Will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss. This all in The backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and Pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where 90 percent of teenagers own Cell phones and computers. How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy That are the envy of everyone in the world? Maybe that is what has 67 Percent of you folks unhappy. Fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has Ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U.S. , yet has a great disdain For its citizens. They see us for what we are The most blessed People in the world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have , And what we hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live Here. I know, I know. What about the president who took us into war and has no Plan to get us out? The president who has a measly 31 percent approval Rating? Is this the same president who guided the nation in the dark days After 9/11? The president that cut taxes to bring an economy out of recession? Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the book for Succeeding in keeping all the spoiled ungrateful brats safe from terrorist Attacks? The commander in chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending You and me? Did you hear how bad the President is on the news or talk show? Did this news affect you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't take a Look around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad? Think about it......are you upset at the President because he actually Caused you personal pain OR is it because the "Media" told you he was Failing to kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day. Make no mistake about it. The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have Volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your freedom. There is currently no draft in this country. They didn't have to go. They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a ''general'' Discharge, an ''other than honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a ''dishonorable'' discharge after a few days in the brig. So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69 percent of Americans? Say what you want but I blame it on the media. If it bleeds it Leads and they specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a car crash With blood and guts. How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the Corner? The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporations. They offer what sells , and when criticized, try to defend their actions by "justifying" them in one way or another. Just ask why they tried to allow a murderer like O.J. Simpson to write a book about how he didn't kill his wife, but if he did he would have done it this way......Insane! Stop buying the negativism you are fed everyday by the media. Shut off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for the bottom of your bird cage. Then start being grateful for all we have as a country. There is exponentially more good than bad. We are among the most blessed peoples on Earth and should thank God several times a day, or at least be thankful and appreciative." "With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunders torms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?" Jay Leno Please keep this in circulation and send to everyone in your address book. There are so many people that need to read this and grasp the truth of it all. "If you fill your heart with regrets of yesterday and worries of tomorrow, you have no today to be thankful for." Deborah