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The Changing Nest
Once individuals become parents, they are parents forevermore. Their identities change perceptively the moment Mother Nature inaugurates them mom or dad. Yet the role they undertake when they welcome children into their lives is not a fixed one. As children move from one phase of their lives to the next, parental roles change. When these transitions involve a child gaining independence, many parents experience an empty nest feeling. Instead of feeling proud that their children have achieved so much—whether the flight from the nest refers to the first day of kindergarten or the start of college—parents feel they are losing a part of themselves. However, when approached thoughtfully, this new stage of parental life can be an exciting time in which mothers and fathers rediscover themselves and relate to their children in a new way.
As children earn greater levels of independence, their parents often gain unanticipated freedom. Used to being depended upon by and subject to the demands of their children, parents sometimes forget that they are not only mom or dad but also individuals. As the nest empties, parents can alleviate the anxiety and sadness they feel by rediscovering themselves and honoring the immense strides their children have made in life. The simplest way to honor a child undergoing a transition is to allow that child to make decisions and mistakes appropriate to their level of maturity. Freed from the role of disciplinarian, parents of college-age children can befriend their offspring and undertake an advisory position. Those with younger children beginning school or teenagers taking a first job can plan a special day in which they express their pride and explain that they will always be there to offer love and support.
An empty nest can touch other members of the family unit as well. Young people may feel isolated or abandoned when their siblings leave the nest. As this is normal, extra attention can help them feel more secure in their newly less populated home. Spouses with more leisure time on their hands may need to relearn how to be best friends and lovers. Other family members will likely grieve less when they understand the significance of the child’s new phase of life. The more parents both celebrate and honor their children’s life transitions, the less apprehension the children will feel. Parents who embrace their changing nest while still cherishing their offspring can look forward to developing deeper, more mature relationships with them in the future.
Common Fears
Everyone has fears—it is a natural part of being human. Fear can protect us from harm by sending a rush of adrenaline to help us physically deal with potential danger. But there are times when fear may keep us from participating fully in life. Once we realize that fear is a state of mind, we can choose to face our fears, change our minds, and create the life we want to live.
Our minds are powerful tools to be used by our higher selves; like computers, storing and using data to make certain connections between thought and response. We have the ability to observe these and choose differently. No matter where the fear came from, we can create new connections by choosing new thoughts. When our souls and minds are in alignment, we create a new experience of reality. This journey requires many small steps, as well as patience and courage through the process. Here’s an example: You decide to overcome your fear of driving on the freeway. Your plan of action starts with examining your thoughts and finding a new way of seeing the situation. When you’re ready, you enlist a calm companion to support you as you take the first step of merging into the slow lane and using the first exit. Your heart may be racing, but your confidence will be boosted by the accomplishment. Repeat this until you are comfortable, with or without help, and then drive one exit furth! er. When you are ready, you can try driving in the middle lane, for longer periods each time, until you find yourself going where you want to go. This gradual process is similar for conquering any fear, but if you find it overwhelming, you can always seek the help of a professional.
You may think that you are the only one with a particular fear, that nobody else could possibly be scared of ordinary things such as water, heights, public speaking, or flying. These types of fears are very common, and you can have great success overcoming them. Remember, it is not the absence of the fear but the courage to take action anyway that determines success. When we learn to face our fears, we learn to observe our thoughts and feelings but not be ruled by them. Instead we choose how to shape the lives we want.
Most Empaths, find themselves at the center of almost any group, they are leaders, teachers, they make good speakers, and can do all these things and more, with considerable talent, however, there is a Dark side to empathy, that one must be aware of, especially in relationships. Some things to consider for any relationship, but doubly so, if one or both of you, are Empaths.
Moody:
Be prepared to be considered moody, and "emotional" by most partners. Because, quite frankly, we often are. But, realize, that most of the "moods" we find ourselves in, are very often, not our own. Even for those feelings that are our own, be aware, we tend to feel them much more intently than your average person. "It has been said that if the emotional depth of an Empath were suddenly dumped into the body of another, the other party, might well be institutionalized from the shock." For us, to love or to hate is not just a word, it can be an emotional storm, so expect more of a response, positive or negative, from almost any Empath.
What we hear is what we feel:
This is a tight wire we all walk. As we hear much more than just the words people say out of their mouths, we see into the depth of what they really mean. This can create major conflicts, as all too often, what our ears hear, is not what the mind feels. Polite social lies, don't go over very well with us, as we know them for the sham they are. We find hypocrisy a personal offense. Likewise, we have very finely tuned Bullpuckie detectors, going full blast, all the time, so trying to put one over on an Empath, is just asking for trouble.
The need to be with others and the problems it can create:
Most Empaths do not like being alone, yet conversely, we often crave solitude. Our need to have someone to share with, can create problems of its own however.
When one has a partner, disagreements are inevitable, however, to have an aurgment with an Empath is much more than just the words you toss at each other, it can be like being hit over the head, and assaulted to the Empath. If the other partner is not an Empath themselves, this reaction, often leaves the other mate confused, as they cannot understand how, whatever it was they said in the heat of anger, created such a powerful reaction.
The Empath is often accused of being "overtly sensitive" or "thin skinned". Understand, we do not react well to casual sarcasm, or "poking fun at", as generally to us, it's not at all funny, likewise, we do not deal well with insults. Any negativity in the middle of a conversation, can literly wipe out any positive aspects the conversation might have had, as the negative often takes on a much heavier weight than the positive statements.
Just as we can and do, feel and full fill a partners needs, we can also feel what you are really feeling, meaning we know when you are trying to evade. So absolute honesty on the part of the partner, is paramount, the typical side stepping of the real issues, or taking a cheap shot in anger, that commonly happens in many relationships, is not going to work well with an Empath.
Further, to the Empath, cut your partner a little slack here. Anyone who is used to the allowed "social lies", that are typical in day to day relationships, who suddenly finds their empathic partner in their face, flat demanding they "get real" and just say what's on their mind, will tend to duck and run for cover. This seemingly excessive reaction, often leads the non empath partner to wonder, what on earth did I do ?
The Empath must understand, your partner honestly may not know that they have any deeper issues, and may not be trying to lie to you or evade the real issue. Take the time to discuss it rationally and calmly, and perhaps help them to see the underlying issue, even if it's plain to you, it may not be .. to them.
We tend to scare people in relationships:
We do have a much deeper understanding and capacity for love generally speaking, its been said that we have "never met a stranger". We can, and often do short cut the time it would take most people, to get to know, and perhaps even fall in love with someone. We can do this in a matter of weeks, rather than months. This, unfortunately often scares the pants off of a prospective partner, as it seems like we are moving much too fast for them.
They simply cannot believe you mean it when you say .. "I love you" when to them, there has not been enough time to get to know them well enough to say that. Therefore, we are often accused of faking such feelings. ( Two empaths reaching out to each other can seem like a whirl wind, and create massive combustion, which can either make for a very tight bonding, or terrify both people, and make them both run off ) A wise Empath must understand, you may "know", but they may not, and to give them enough time to come to the same conclusion.
Setting Boundaries is a MUST:
A controlled Empath will generally create very clear boundaries on what they will, and will not tolerate, as well as, what they are responsible for, and will defend those boundaries with everything they have. Likewise, they will respect their mates boundaries, with just as much vigor, if those boundaries are made clear. Mutual agreement on these boundaries, is a must have, to be in a relationship with an Empath.
There is no room for playing the "blame game" in a relationship, as to who is responsible for what, or tromping all over the others turf, as in barging in and "taking over" their responsibilities. Likewise, you cannot just leave "your" responsibilities lying around for your mate to handle for you. There can be no confusion on what is "your" responsibility Vs "my" responsibility.
Be prepared to "do a little dance" if you want to " make a little love":
Not talking sexuality here, although it does apply in many ways, rather it has to do with how you deal with conflict. Typical action, you have had a fight, blown up all over each other, and your still angry. Now, what normally happens in such a case? The cold shoulder and avoidance is pretty common, right ? Well, to a point, a bit of distance after an unresolved dispute is wise, but there is a point of taking it too far, and doing it too often.
Empaths, as stated, need both companionship and solitude, but too much solitude, as typically happens when your mad at each other, can be the kiss of death to your relationship, if your doing it all the time, and not resolving the issues. This is easier to get into, than you might think.
If every time you approach X subject, it turns into a fight, you tend to avoid talking about it, that's human nature. Your reasons are honorable. You want to stay together, and you are afraid that if you fight, you might lose the other party. So you become afraid to talk about "that".
The only problem is, over time, the list of "things we don't talk about" tends to grow, to where you can get to a point, you no longer talk to each other, at all. You are totally detached from each other. Avoidance, has become a way of life. If you have reached a point of constant avoidance, rather than dealing with the issues, and are utterly ignoring your mate, for anything but mundane, day to day affairs, you are setting up your relationships death knell.
Empaths do not deal well with being ignored. We need intensity, we need and desire union and confirmation, and too much avoidance can mean you will wake up one morning, and find your empathic mate gone, and you will be standing there, wondering what the hell happened.
So it's a dance, a few steps forward and one step back, as needed to resolve issues, but never go too far away, or for too long, or you will find yourself with what you have inadvertently asked for ... you will be alone in truth.
Avoiding Toxic Relationships:
Given an Empaths capacity for love, it is startling to find it's very common for them, to have had a long history of bad or even toxic relationships. We tend to be drawn to people who "need" us, which can, unfortunately lead to an Empath being in the hands of an abusive person, unless great care is taken.
An abusive person, may well have empathy, contrary to what we normally think of, in what that term means, in that they can read the others feelings, but are completely detached from feeling them themselves, as otherwise they could not do such harm to another, and not suffer it themselves. But an Empath can be fooled into thinking, "this person is another Empath, they will understand", only to find themselves with someone who can indeed read them perfectly, but does so for the sole purpose of control, manipulation, and/or to cause fear and pain.
To counter this, we must develop our own emotional stability, that is totally unrelated to any partner, otherwise, we can be led into some very unhealthy co-dependent relationships and behaviors.
Signs of an Unbalanced Empath -- Red Flags:
As might be expected, the typical signs of and Empath who is out of balance, is one who doesn't appear to have any empathy. This is often a self defense mechanism. Since what we hear, and what we feel, very often don't match, we tend to try to focus only on the words, and ignore what we feel. This is typically a mistake, but one that often happens, as we try and avoid the conflict of feeling Vs words. More signs ...
Substance Abuse:
Empathy that is uncontrolled, can be overwhelming. Major depression, sadness and other symptoms can abound, and a common means to "deal" with this onslaught, is to drown it in substances that blunt feelings. This is not the answer to the problem of course, but it can easily happen, and any inclination to develop such unhealthy habits, should be avoided at all costs. So if your Empathic mate suddenly takes up such habits, it is a sign that there may be a need to figure out new ways of dealing with the conflicts that arise in any relationship.
Isolationism:
Due to lack of controlling the imput, we can and often do, become virtual prisoners. Like a turtle, we retreat into a rather hard shell, and hope the bad vibes just go the heck away ! This is pointless and self defeating of course, as it means the very next time we stick our head out, we are going to feel like someone just ran it over with a Mac truck. So avoidance is not an answer, we must become desensitized to the emotional wind out there, and not give in to the tendency to become a hermit. If your Empathic mate, is suddenly avoiding you, again it likely means you need to come up with some more constructive ways to deal with issues.
Major Mood Swings:
The thoughts of others can over amp a person. So we can vacillate back and forth in a near manic - depressive manner, without actually being bi polar. Empaths are emotionally sensitive to violence and chaos. We are not too fond of sudden loud noises either, suddenly blasting the TV or yelling around an Empath, will often bring nasty, and unexpected results. To come into a space, yelling and screaming, is liable to cause one of two reactions, you will either get your own rage thrown back at you, with interest ... or your mate might react in fear to your anger. Neither of these reactions is conductive to a healthy relationship.
The bulk of current day television, just tends to annoy most of us. Your favorite real life cop show for example, since it's happening to real people, is a horror flick to an Empath. ( oddly enough, we might like horror shows, but for us, the more unreal the plot, the better, the closer it comes to any possible "reality", ie it could really happen to real people, the more distressed we are likely to become )
Acts of cruelty and violent crime are incomprehensible to us. Showing things that depict violence done to real people to an Empath for example, could be setting them up for an emotional tail spin, that might take weeks to get over.
This is not to say we are, or should be unaware of such things, but forcing such violence on an Empath unexpectedly, is cruel and uncalled for. So don't be at all surprised if we don't want to watch the nine o'clock news with you, or that we become very distressed if we got an email today, that showed us the horror of our world in living color, out of the clear blue sky ( I have personally dropped a few friends, on account of them sending such horrors to my inbox on a regular basis ).
Later, on our own terms, we will keep in touch with the reality of the world, negativity and all, but only when we are ready for it. Forcing it on us, is just setting us up for depression. So if you like reality TV, expect to watch it ... alone.
Mental Health Issues:
While generally not a cause for mental health issues per se, out of control empathy can make any current mental issue, worse. ADD, agoraphobia or clinical depression are common mental issues that empaths often find themselves labeled with, weather or not they in fact, have such problems, and a little bit of thought about it, can tell you why.
Empaths are often erroneously labeled with ADD, especially children, as they often are picking up on so many emotional levels, at the same time, that it's hard to stay focused, Which is the most classic sign of ADD. Agoraphobia, goes back to the tendency to Isolationism, and depression ... is all too easy to come down with, as the world all around us contains enough emotional negative baggage to infect even "ordinary" people, much less an Empath.
Now, is everybody who has these problems an out of control Empath? No, but it is one to eliminate from possible causes.
Over Eating:
Comfort foods, we all enjoy them, but an Empath under assault, can be driven to the nearest source of comfort food, not out of hunger, but for emotional need. Having a spat with the mate for example, can lead to a chocolate binge, for the simple fact that chocolate raises serotonin in the blood stream, and calms the mind, and as with other substances, this can become habitual, and lead to health issues. So if you see your empathic mate, suddenly chowing down on major amounts of comfort foods, it's a very good sign there are some issues that need to be resolved.
The Negative Effects of Spoiling Children
Parents are moved by instinct to love, nurture, and provide for their offspring. Because our children are so much a part of us, we want to see them blissfully happy. Also, our own desire to be liked, materialist pressures, and a fervent wish that our children have everything we lacked as youngsters can prompt us to spoil them. However, while it might seem that buying your child expensive gifts will give them fond memories of childhood or that you can heal your emotional wounds by doting on your sons and daughters, you may be unconsciously interfering with your children’s evolutional development. One of the most precious gifts you can grant your children is the true independence they gain when they learn to earn what they covet and become stewards of their own happiness. Try allowing your children to experience life to the fullest. Let them work and earn what they want. When the time comes for them to go to college and enter the workforce, you will have the confidence that you have raised a child that can both enter and contribute to society confidently.
When children are not afforded the opportunity to explore self-reliance, to understand that with possession comes price, and to fulfill their own needs, they develop a sense of entitlement that blinds them to the necessity of hard work and the needs of others. We may spoil children because giving them gifts is pleasurable. Or we may want to avoid conflict out of fear that our children won’t love us. Yet children who are given acceptance, love, and affection in abundance are often kinder, more charitable, and more responsible than those whose parents accede to their every material demand. They develop a strong sense of self that stretches beyond possessions and the approval of their peers, and as adults they understand that each individual is responsible for building the life they desire. If you find yourself giving in to your child’s every whim, ask yourself why. You may discover that you are trying to answer for what you feel is lacking in your own life.
Rearing your children to respect the value of money and self-sufficiency as they grow from infants to young adults is a challenging but rewarding process. It can be difficult to watch a child struggle to meet a personal goal yet wonderful to be by their side as they achieve it. Your choice not to spoil your children will bless you with more opportunities to show them understanding and compassion and to be fully present with them as they journey toward adulthood.
