JennaJae's blog: "Graceli Kopanyi"

With self-help books everywhere, one would think there would be a how-to book on mending a broken heart, or suviving the loss of a love. How about "How to Live after Rape?" No, of course not. Or "How to Glue Your Heart Back Together After The One You Love Shatters It" ?. Nah. Just "How to Build a Bridge" and "How to Mend a Fence." How about one entitled "How to Fix Your Life" ?

Every decision you make alters your life. Taking a detour home and missing that accident that could have killed you. Walking a different way to class only to meet your soulmate. Picking up that stray, who without you, would have gotten hit by the next car to pass it. How easily these things could be prevented because you decided to break habit and try something new. Change often is for the best.

Single minded to the point of recklessness I heard this in the movie The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants I know, its a teen movie, but that line screamed to me and still does. -I had something that I needed to prove back then. I need to prove that I mattered. That I could make someone care about me. That someone was you. I am so sorry for all that I have put you through. Please, please forgive me. ~Brenden of Between Brothers

A lot of people have promised me a lot of things throughout this lifetime. I hold the invoices all marked "paid in full" but the shipments have yet to arrive. To those who promised to never leave me: where are you now that I am alone and feeling this emptiness grow with every breath I take with out you by my side? To those who promised to love me forever: where are you now that loves light leaves me cold? To those who said they could not live without me: how are you now still living when we parted ways so many years ago? To those who told me pretty lies so I could hold my head high and believe in us: where are you now that all of those illusions can no longer comfort me? To those who promised me security: where are you now that I am drowning in a sea of my own tears? To those who promised to light my way: where are you now that my candle has burnt out and my matches have been stolen? To those of whom I used shamelessly: where are you now to distract me from the pain that those memories bring? To those who promised to lift my burdens: where are you now that the weight of the world is crashing around me? To those who held me tight: where are you now that I can only dimly remember the warmth that human contact promises? To those who said they believed in me: where are you now that I have lost all hope and faith? To those who promised me the world: where are you now that mine has fallen apart? To those who promised to make all of my dreams come true: where are you now that my only company is nightmares and fragments of those dreams that used to comfort me? To those who promised to grant my every wish: where are you now that all hope has died within my soul? To those who told that everything would be alright: where are you now that Im spiraling out of control? To those who promised to never let me fall: where are you now as I lay here shattered and broken? To those who promised that I would never feel pain again: where are you now that I am bruised battered and sore? Where are you now? Will you ever deliver any promises that you ever made to me? I fear it is too late, Ive fallen from grace, fallen from the human race. Thank you for destroying me.

The night casts its shadow over her and she begins to run. Fear turns her blood cold. The sounds in the woods and inside of her head intensify with each breath she takes. The faster she runs the more aware she becomes of the demons plaguing her. She is so certain that they are solid entities, and physically nipping at her heels that she glances down to be sure. Nothing was there, all inside her head, like the life she has been living. The life she prefers to her actual one. She wasn't sure if the absence of the demons reassured her or worried her more. She glanced up just in time to see a tree trunk slam into her face. "Lisa! Wake up!" Chelle shook her friend almost violently. "Am I horribly disfigured?" she mumbled sleepily. "No," Chelle replied, puzzled. "Should you be?" "I just ran into a tree." Lisa responded more asleep than awake. "Must have been a dream, you've been asleep for a long time. You need to wake up now." she said again, concerned. "I can't, he hasn't come yet." she replied, trying desperately to hold on to her dream. "Who hasn't come yet?" she was still puzzled, Lisa had never been this hard to rouse before and she never talked about her dreams. "The one I love. The one I always dream about. Why hasn't he come? He always comes for me." Remembering her brothers dreams and the crazy old gypsy woman from her childhood, she felt a sudden chill. She dropped her hand from her friends shoulder and backed away. "What," she asked, her voice strained. "What does he look like?" "I don't know. I can't see him. It's like I'm blindfolded, but not in a creepy way. I know that with him I am safe. He comes for me and makes everything good again. I need him." she pouted and fell back asleep. Chelle left her friend to her dreams and hoped that she was wrong.

"Hey Cass! Is that you?" I turned around to see a familiar, friendly face. "What are you doing in this part of town, Cole?" I teased him. "I didn't think that places like this were all that you." I said, laughing, we both took a look around the almost empty laundromat. "It's not." he admitted, good for him. Point for honesty. "I was looking for you. Aurie told me that this was were you spent your Wednesday nights. Gotta tell you, I thought a girl like you would be doing something a little more fun." "Fun or not, I happen to enjoy clean clothes."I shrugged. "Besides, there really isn't anything exciting going on Wednesday nights. Have you come to change that for me?" I asked shyly, offering him a pretty smile. "Hmm, I could lie to you, but I don't think you'd believe that I do my own laundry." Cole smiled back. "Especially when you are empty handed." "I could have left it in the car until I knew that there were open washers." he replied defensively. "What do you want?" I asked suspiciously. "Dinner." he replied simply. "There's a diner up the street." I told him and went back to my laundry. "With you." he clarified. "That's not a good idea." "Don't you trust me?" he asked, trying to use his most innocent tone. "I don't trust any man who asks me that." I snapped. "That's kind of harsh," he pouted, I guess I got his ego with that one. Oh well. "You'll heal." I know it sounds mean, but you should know that I'm smiling on the inside. "Do you want some help?" he asked, changing the subject. See, I told you that he'd heal. "Are you just trying to fondle my under garments, Mr Addison?" I asked suspiciously. "If I wanted to do that," he said, coming up behind me, wrapping an arm around my waist. "You'd still be wearing them." he whispered in my ear. "Go away, Cole." I replied, those three words cost me a lot in emotional strength, but I knew that it was for the best. __________________________________ "You know what's really strange?" Cole asked me, walking into my office out of nowhere. "That you're talking to me when you should be at work?" I asked not looking up from the file on my desk. "Me? No, I'm not strange." at that I did look up and smiled. "But now that you mention work, did you know that our offices are only two blocks apart? Isn't that just fascinating?" he asked with an impish grin. "What do you want?" I asked, taking off my glasses and giving him my full attention. "You. Lunch." "Excuse me?" Did he really just say that? And what exactly was that supposed to mean? "I want for you to have lunch with me." I breathed a small sigh of relief. "Or I could have you for lunch, that's a much better alternative. Or I could have lunch delivered up here, lay you across your desk and eat off of you... what do you think?" "I think that you should go." I replied primly, clenching my thighs and locking my ankles. No way was I going to give in to this man... ____________________________ "There are laws against stalking in thsi state, last I heard." I said loudly when I realized that Cole was walking behind me. "I'm not stalking you, I'm just walking you home from work." he replied, jogging to catch up the last few feet between us. "So you are going on a two mile walk with me, then walking back another two miles to drive home in the opposite direction?" I asked sweetly. "You walk two miles a day?" He asked incredulously. "In the city?" he voice raised another octave. "In heels?" "Four, round trip, five if I go out for lunch." I snapped at him. "In heels?" he asked again. "I like heels, and I hate driving in this town, it's too perilous, I only do so in extreme emergencies." "Perilous? Walking in those is perilous!" he argued, still unable to get over my shoes. They are just shoes! "Only if you aren't used to them. What is your fascination with my shoes?" I asked, annoyed. "Want to wear them?" I challenged him. "What? No!" "Exes not into heels?" I tried another approach. "Not especially–" "Have a problem with me being as tall as you are?" "No, I love that–" "Do you date a lot of prissy women, Cole?" I asked taking a swipe at his taste. "I don't really date." he mumbled. "Why are you stalking me?" I asked him finally. "Two reasons." "So you admit that you are stalking me?" I asked triumphantly. "Cass!" he almost yelled in his frustration. "What?" I asked, turning on my heel to face him. I guess he wasn't expecting that so he ran into me. He wrapped his arms around me, I don't know if it was more for his balance or mine, but I didn't fight him. Not this time. "I've tried talking, stalking, walking... none of it is turning out the way I envisioned it." he replied, frustratedly dragging a hand through his tousled hair. "Maybe you should try obscene phone calls next, those get me really hot!" I offered sarcastically. "That isn't me. None of this is me. This is crazy, and probably one sided, as in completely just inside my head, and I don't know what to do about it except..." he trailed off, leaned forward and kissed me. It was a soft, sweet, tentative kiss, as though he expected me to smack him or push him away. I know I should have... one or both, instead I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him back, shocking us both. I supposed he had been more prepared for rejection than compliance because for a moment he stopped. When he remembered what he was doing and kissed me again, I pushed him away, gently. "This is so not good." I said, walking away from him. "I would have classified it as much more than good. I'm probably going to come off geeky saying this, but I haven't been with a lot of women, Cass. But I know enough to know that that was something special." "I can't get involved with you," I whispered breathlessly, wishing I could shout at him. I walked to the nearest bench and sat down. The sun was setting and the bay was beautiful but I was too stupefied to take much notice. "Why? What is so wrong with me that you won't give me a chance?" he sat down next to me. "It's not you, specifically. We'd never work out, so why bother?" I asked defeatedly. "Why not?" he asked again. Was it an ego thing? "Because of Aurie, mostly." "What does she have to do with us?" Cole asked, confused. "Because when we break up, that will put her in the middle and I can't lose her." "We haven't even started anything and you are already breaking up with me?" "We barely know each other!" I argued. "I'm trying to change that." he replied calmly. "Come on, Cass, you have to take a chance some time, and when better than now? We have something special... can't we just go with it and see where it takes us?" he asked, taking my hand in his. "The last chance I took nearly put me in the hospital!" I snapped at him and immediately wished I could take the words back. "What?" "Nothing. I'm not talking about it. Forget it. Forget this. All of it. It's never going to happen." "Why won't you give me a chance?" "Because it's not just you at risk." "What if we don't call it dating? What if we don't tell anyone? That way if it doesn't work out, we won't have to admit that we tried." "Are you asking me to be your imaginary girlfriend?" I laughed, pushing away my demons and looking into Cole's eyes. "Only if you say yes."

Five minutes in a hell of my own making. Not even the past three weeks of uncertainty unnerved me as much as these few minutes that I find myself sitting on a public toilet waiting for a pregnancy test to dictate my future. Three minutes... My occassional lover, my sometimes friend, the guy putting me through this is standing just outside the bathroom. Waiting. Praying that I didn't screw up his plans. Two minutes... He has ten years on me, but he's not grown up enough to be a father. And me, at my age, my future plans didn't include much more than simply surviving day to day life. One minute... To bring a child into my life would be cruel. How could we have been so careless? I love him, but not the way I should. Why did I put myself here? I have no one to blame but myself, well, and him. Five... four... three... two... I glanced down at the test and threw it away as I left the bathroom. I paused by the man I at one time believed that I could love. "Go on with your life." I told him. "I will be spending the rest of mine alone." And I walked away from him. I haven't seen him, haven't heard a word. Maybe it's better this way. Maybe this is the plan. The universe, I've decided, takes far too much interest in my life.

She swayed toward him, more than slightly intoxicated and in four inch heels. She put her arms around his neck-- more for balance than with any kind of affection. She pulled him close, kissed his cheek and whispered in her sweetest tone: "Have I told you lately that I really, really hate you?" "Then why do you keep coming back?" he asked, humoring the drunk girl in his arms. "Because you're safe. Probably the safest guy in this entire bar!" she yelled the last part, waving one arm out to illustrate her point. He guided her hand back to his neck to keep her from falling, though truth be told, he loved the feel of her arms around him, but he'd never admit to that. "Why do you say that? Because you feel so secure in my arms? or because even though *I* hurt you all the time, I won't let anyone else do it?" "Nope. You're safe because I know that I could never love you. And since loving someone opens a person to pain, the simple fact that I don't love you keeps me safe." She told him in her most logical (albeit drunk) voice.

A Glimpse Into The Mind of This Mad Woman I do not understand what the big deal is about dating. I dont understand the herd mentality that everyone should be paired up. I dont understand why people try to hook me up with people I could never be attracted to. It happens all the time. They act like I should be flattered that the person in question is infatuated with me. I dont date by choice. No one seems to get that. I am superficial but very down to earth. Im shallow while at the same time, incredibly deep. Im vain, but not pretty enough to carry it. With me, attraction is immediate or not at all. I dont force myself to feel things that arent real because I really hate to lie to myself. I am not really attracted to anyone right now. I dont feel any burning desire to go out and find someone new, especially when I have so many unfinished relationships haunting me. I miss the ones who used to be here, no matter how briefly. No matter how incomplete the quick fix was, at the time, it was enough. While it lasted, I was happy. So tell me why I should want to get out there and date your friends. I do not see the point of dating. Nothing lasts. Not in this world or any other. Some might say that I am too young to be this jaded. They would be right if I were any other girl, but Im not. Im me. If only I hadnt seen, felt, done, lived through and been told certain things Im scarred and bruised. Im lonely and incomplete, but its okay. After all, I am standing here still. I live, I breathe, I feel, I can hold my head high, and I can face myself in every new day to come. Thats enough for me. I do not want to date. I do not want to make friends with guys who want more from me than I am willing to give. Im lost, hurt, and yes, I admit that I am lonely, but Ive lived this way long enough to know that it will not kill me. Getting involved with the wrong guy just might.