JennaJae's blog: "Graceli Kopanyi"

Prologue

 

          The first voices I remember hearing were Nicca’s and Dr. Averis’. It started as a conversation in pieces, words such as “unstable” and “no guarantees” preceded the much more devastating “coma.”  It had a very deafening and final sound to it. I wanted to sit up and call the doctor a liar as those particular words were coming from him, Nicca’s contribution was more denial than anything else. I wanted to tell them what had happened and how I came to be here, but no one was listening. Okay, in all fairness I should rephrase that; it wasn’t that no one was listening, but more that I was unable to speak out loud.  This led me to the startling realization that maybe the doctor wasn’t lying. I wished he was.  It couldn’t end like this; there was still too much I had to do! I tried to fight my way out of the dense fog surrounding my brain, but it quickly overwhelmed me.  I floated into nothing but sweet silence and a sense of peace I had not known since childhood.

 

          It was arguing that brought me back to the present. I wasn’t sure how much time had passed, nor did I really care. I tried to concentrate on the words because Nicca and Dr. Averis never argued.  It was odd to hear the pair raising their voices in harsh, clipped tones.  Nicca and I fought about the doctor, but never did the two men become confrontational. Their words began to penetrate the fog in my mind.  

“…call  her sister?” I wanted to veto, but was of course denied - as after all, I still wasn’t an active member of the conversation.

“…the right thing to do?” I wanted to argue when I heard that as well. As if Talissa has ever done the right thing in her entire life! I didn’t want her here! Hasn’t she done enough? I wanted to demand out loud, but no one was asking my opinion and once again I found it too difficult to hold on to the world just beyond my grasp.  I instead, let myself drift from all of the quarrelling.

 

          I heard many voices floating through my head. While I wished, at times, to respond I found I was content where I was too. It made no sense to me because I wanted to be there but at the same time I knew I had things to confront in that world that I was simply not ready to deal with.

I looked forward to hearing from Nicca. He would come in often and play some of my favorite music for me, alternating Demona Bast and Kevin Fassanella.  Both have voices I’ve not only always found to be very soothing but with powerful lyrics to boot! Nicca would keep the music on low and talk to me. He would bounce between pretending to hold conversations with me and just ranting about the injustice of the situation. It wasn’t perfect but at least he was here and talking to me. Maybe things would turn out okay when I woke up.

 

            Every time I heard his voice my heart skipped a beat; it always had.  It still did, even if only in my mind.  Because if it showed on the monitor, he gave no sign of noticing. Fallacy and fantasy, hearts don’t really do that, just like they don’t really break. It just feels as though it should to justify the pain a person’s made him or herself believe in, to make it more real if only to themselves. Sometimes I really hated that I was so logical. Was it asking so much to be allowed to wallow in emotional distress for once?

          My feelings for Nicca would have been enough to make me want to claw my way back out if it had not been for everything that had happened. It was a desire for avoidance that kept me here. I wasn’t ready for the confrontation; I hated to fight. Well, that’s not entirely true, I do believe in fighting for what’s right and just, but I’m not sure where that is in this situation. It would be more fair to say that I wasn’t ready to face all of the lies, accusations, or the hurt and disappointment. It was apparent to me that this was my choice. Otherwise I would have come through or died by now. Nothing was keeping me here but me. It was annoying that I seemed to be nothing more than a casual observer in my own world, unable to interact or affect anything. I was waiting somewhere deep within myself, afraid to move and unable to reach him. But it seemed being annoyed wasn’t enough.

         

I knew that they were only talking to me at the request (well, it was probably more of an order) of Dr. Averis. Gage and Tal weren’t here for my sake, I knew that. They were just here to cut down on the questions. Everyone knew it wasn’t me they cared about; no one was challenging them, though. No, that’s not fair, Nicca was suspicious and had called them on it a couple of times.  Whenever it got heated or they came close to telling him anything important, the nurse would come in and break things up.   I found myself wishing she would mind her own business long enough to get this entire out in the open.  It would make it so much easier for me to come back and I wouldn’t have to deal with these secrets alone. Considering that I also didn’t want them there made for a challenging game of tug-of-war with my own wants…

 

          “Talon, I need you to wake up,” he would whisper and I desperately wanted to do as he asked.   I wanted to talk to Nicca, still I found myself locked in the confines of my own mind and unable to do so.  There were so many things left to discuss – questions to answer.  I wished I could at least smile at him, brush his curls back from his forehead and tell him that everything would be okay. He kept his hair short, but it grew fast and I was forever pushing it back. Would I ever be able to do that again?

 

          I wanted to tell him how sorry I was. His words floated through my head again and again. “I shouldn’t have left like that.”  No; he shouldn’t have.  Then again, I shouldn’t have let him. It was my fault, all of it. Part of me felt I deserved to be here like this.

          In a perfect world I would have been able to reach him and let him know that it was going to be okay, but I’m so tired.  I’m just so tired.  Sleep and silence swept over me, leaving me blissfully numb.

 

“Tallie, you need to wake up; the world sucks without you in it.”  His words were a ghost of a whisper in my mind and yet still managed to grate on my nerves.  Gage’s words were nothing more than a cheap imitation of those Nicca said to me when he was by my bedside.   Gage wasn’t a bad guy, even after all we have been through I know this.

          “She’s not coming back for you.” I heard Tal sneer. Oh, my dear sister, ever the sweetheart.

          “Wake up already! Do you want to be here or not?”  Her words were snide and abrupt. “You’ve never been so indecisive in your entire life.”  Her voice seemed to soften at the last words, though it was probably my imagination. “Snap out of it or let go!”  Oh yeah, I must have imagined the softness; there was nothing soft of my twin’s attitude towards me. I’m sure that my indecisiveness had been a great burden for her to bear. Shame on me, how heartless I have been.

          It surprised me to hear Gage snap at Tal saying: “You aren’t helping!”  Nicca shushed him, but after a moment of silence the order was disregarded.  Gage’s stunned voice echoed in the otherwise quiet room.  “Did she…?”  

          “Yeah!  She squeezed my hand.”  Nicca shared with them, excitedly.  Well, he shared it with me too.  It wasn’t as though I could actually feel anything.  I guess you can do anything when you are angry enough. All traces of softness left his voice when he went on to say “She will be okay and the two of you will have a lot of explaining to do.”   Damned right! I seconded from my observatory place in the conversation. Did he know about what happened? I mean, he was incredibly smart; he had to know, right?  That would make things so much easier. 

          “I don’t know!”  I heard Tal screech at him. More calmly she added, “I wasn’t there, and I have nothing more to say on the matter.”  Tal had always been that way, laying on a thick layer of false calm to cover up something she had done.  It was really starting to piss me off.  And I would tell her that soon enough. I would tell them all exactly what I thought and felt.

          Suddenly I realized just how tired I was.  Even with all of the anger bubbling beneath the surface, I was too exhausted to actually open my eyes and face her, face everything.  It needed to be done – and I thought I was ready.  I wanted to talk to Nicca, tell him everything I hadn’t.  He had to know how sorry I was.  I hoped that he had forgiven me… He had to have, right, or he wouldn’t be here by my side now? 

Even as my resolve to face my future grew stronger, I felt myself slipping further and further away.  I couldn’t hear them anymore, if they were even still there.  I felt as if I was being sucked into blackness now that I was actually trying to claw my way back.  I felt the fear anchored to me, tugging me deeper and deeper.  Where is this dark place I’m sinking?  I can’t breathe; I can’t think; I can’t find my way out.  Will I… Can I… Is this a life worth saving?

 

It was Christmas Day. The presents have been opened and dinner has been eaten. We were watching a movie when my cell phone rang. I excused myself from the family and went somewhere private to take the call. “Hey girl!” he said to me before I had the chance to even say hello. “Hi there.” I replied softly. “She’s gone to visit her family. Can I see you now?” he asked with an urgency in his voice. “What’s wrong?” I asked. “Nothing,” he lied. “Don’t lie to me,” I snapped calling him on it. “She won’t be gone long.” He admitted. “I am not some dirty little secret of yours!” I yelled at him I was pissed. How dare he? “We are supposed to be friends! It should matter what we were to each other. What matters is who and what we are now. I will always love you, but I am not your damned whore!” “I never said you were.” He chimed in, sounding defensive. “You thought it! That’s bad enough. I’m your friend! Or don’t you get the meaning of that word?” “I’m sorry,” he replied shakily. “Yeah, me too.” I said softly as I ended the call.

I came to say goodbye. You see, I cannot do this anymore. I have loved you and lost you. I’ve gone to these two places too many times. I’m going away now. I’ve finally figured out just where it is that I belong. It’s far away from here. It’s some place where you cannot follow. Goodbye. I love you, but I have no place in your life. I love you, remember that when you can no longer touch me, remember my love even if we never see each other again.

She pretended to be drunk when he found her. She was musing over the wedding that would never be, talking to herself, well, more like mumbling… He took the empty seat beside her at the bar and listened to her every word. Abruptly she turned and looked at him and said “Take me somewhere and make me forget every bad thing that has ever happened to me.” And he did.

We are laying together on the rug in front of the fire place. The fire provides the only illumination in the room. Outside the snow is softly falling, steadily accumulating . We won’t be going anywhere anytime soon. He wraps his arms around my naked body, holding me more tightly and I smile. He has Hungarian’s Dance No 5 and Canon alternating on the stereo system. My two favorite songs. He whispers in my ear that he loves me, and I feel a warm shiver go down my spine as he asks me to marry him.

“You used me! And I let you!” I shouted at him, slowly coming to terms with what we had done. “I begged you to. And what exactly was it for you? Payback for what your wife has done?” I was angry, and in shock, I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. I felt them falling down my face and he made no move to brush them away as he had done countless times before. “Her and I are even now. We can move on with our lives, together.” His words were a tangible, physical pain slicing through my heart. Only moments before we had been clinging to each other in my bed and now we were worlds apart. Did I even know the man standing over me, looking for his clothes? “While we’re at it, let’s be honest. This whole affair was about more than just your wife, wasn’t it? You were getting even with me too, weren’t you?” I demanded to know through the tears. With everything else I was feeling, I needed to know. A person can only break once, right? “Because I walked away when we were younger… you came back, determined to make me fall in love with you, so that this time you could walk away unscathed.” He nodded and I knew I was wrong about the amount of pain one person could feel. “It wasn’t like that, I never stopped loving you. Walking away from you shattered me, but it was impossible not to go.” I admitted finally. He stopped looking for his shirt and stared at me, dumbstruck. Then the anger came back… “Why? Didn’t you trust me?” “How can you ask me that? You are the one person I have trusted my entire life. I didn’t trust me! Especially not with you. How else would this have happened?” I asked, in self pity, pulling back the sheet. “This, between us, happened, because I love you, wanted you more than I valued my own morals. I do love you. You should know that. You also need to know that you were wrong about balancing things with your wife. She cheated on you when she miscarried. You’ve been cheating on her for months. You got me pregnant the first time. I was going to tell you sooner, but then we started fighting. So then I wasn’t going to tell you, but you need to know that truth. So go on back to her, knowing what you have done. Knowing that you can never claim this child as your own without admitting what we’ve done together.” “I could leave her.” He said after a long silence, his voice subdued. I hadn’t been trying to shock him, but it seems I did anyway. “I could marry you, we could be a family.” His words were stiff and disjointed, the full effect of what he had done was finally reaching him. But he didn’t mean it, he wasn’t happy, and he didn’t love me. So I told him the truth… “That’s not enough for me."

“I’m twenty-six years old. You are the closest thing I have to a boyfriend. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I am never going to get married. Don’t ask me to kill this baby, it may be the only baby I ever conceive. I am not asking you for anything except your blessing to keep it. If not for me, I know this couple who desperately wants a child and she keeps miscarrying—“ “I won’t have another man raise my child!” he snapped at her. “So you’d rather kill it? Is your ego really that fragile?” she challenged him. “You’re in love with this guy, don’t pretend you aren’t. You can’t be together so you’d give him the next best thing? I won’t have that! If you have this baby, you will keep it and I will help out in any way that I can.” “I won’t marry you.” She told him defiantly. “I wasn’t asking. You won’t have to. I’ll be around either way.” “You don’t have to, I can do this on my own.” She insisted. “You won’t. I know who you will turn to for help and it won’t be me.” “I can’t trust you to stay!” “But you trust him?” he asked indignantly. “I do. A lot.” She replied confidently. “How can you feel this way about a guy you’ve never even kissed?” “He and I have something that transcends all of that. You and I have sex. Different levels, different worlds, why can’t you understand that?” “Because we both know that if he wasn’t married you and I wouldn’t be here right now. It wouldn’t be up for discussion because it wouldn’t be my child you’re carrying, it would be his,” “And that just scores your pride, doesn’t it?” “As much as it tears your heart.” “And yet, here we are.” “Here we are, indeed.”

SORRY, I KNOW THIS IS RANDOM, I WAS BORED FOOD-OLOGY Q. What is your salad dressing of choice? A. RANCH Q. What is your favorite fast food restaurant? A. BURGER KING Q. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? A. APPLEBEE¡¦S Q. On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant? A. 5 BUCKS PER PERSON OR 20% WHICHEVER IS HIGHER Q. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick off of? A. PIZZA Q. What are your pizza toppings of choice? A. CHICKEN AND CHEESE Q. What do you like to put on your toast? A. STRAWBEERY JAM Q. What is your favorite type of gum? A. ORANGE TECHN-OLOGY Q. Number of contacts in your cell phone? A. NOT THAT MANY, I JUST GOT THE PHONE AND I HAVE BEEN LAZY Q. Number of contacts in your email address book? A. DON¡¦T KNOW, DON¡¦T CARE Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer? A. STONEHENGE Q. How many televisions are in your house or apartment? A. TOO MANY BI-OLOGY Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed? A. I WRITE RIGHT, BUT AM PREDOMINATELY A LEFTY Q. Do you like your smile? A. DEPENDS ON MY MOOD Q. What's your best feature? A. THIS IS GOING TO SOUND ARROGANT¡K MY EYES, NOSE, LIPS, BOOBS AND LEGS. Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body? A. MY APPENDIX AND WISEDOM TEETH Q. Which of your five senses do you think is keenest? A. TOUCH Q. When was the last time you had a cavity? A. NEVER, AND I HOPE TO KEEP IT THAT WAY Q. What is the heaviest item you lifted last? A. I HAVE A WEIGHT RESTRICTION OF 5 POUNDS CURRENTLY (DON¡¦T ASK) Q. Have you ever been knocked unconscious? A. FOR SCIENCE CRAP-OLOGY Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? A. NOT THE DAY, BUT I¡¦D LIKE A BIT OF A HEADS UP, SO THAT I HAVE THE CHANCE TO SAY GOODBYE TO THE ONES WHO MATTER MOST Q. Is love for real? A. I¡¦M BEGINNING TO WONDER¡K I KNOW THAT LOVE EXISTS, I JUST DON¡¦T KNOW IF ITS WHAT WE EXPECT IT TO BE. Q. If you could change your first name, what would you change it to? A. GRACE (FOR MY GREAT GRANDMOTHER) Q. What color do you think looks best on you? A. I CAN WEAR ANY COLOR, BUT I LIKE RUSTS AND ANTIQUE GOLDS AND BURNT ORANGE THE BEST Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake? A. OH PROBABLY Q. Have you ever saved someones life? A. I DON¡¦T THINK SO, YOU WOULD HAVE TO ASK THEM Q. Has someone ever saved yours? A. NOT PHYSICALLY¡K DARE-OLOGY Q. Would you walk naked for a half mile down a public street for $100,000? A. I¡¦M STRAGELY COMFORTABLE IN THE NUDE, SO YES Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100? A. YOU MEAN I COULD HAVE GOTTEN PAID??!!?? Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000? A. NO, VALLI WOULD NO LONGER BE MY FRIEND. WE HAD THIS DISCUSSION WHEN WE WERE MUCH YOUNGER. ƒº Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000? A. ABSOLUTELY Q. Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000? A. SURE, BUT I DOUBT ANYONE WOULD SERIOUSLY ASK. I¡¦D LIKE TO POSE NUDE AND PREGNANT ONE DAY, I THINK THAT WOULD BE INTERESTING. Q. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1,000? A. CAN I HAVE A CHASER? Q. Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000? A. I BARELY WATCH TELEVISION RIGHT NOW, GIMME THE CASH LAST-OLOGY Q: Friend you talked to? A: SARA Q: Last person you called? A: I DUNNO, I¡¦M NOT A PHONE PERSON Q:Last person that called you? A: SPAY TODAY Q: Person you hugged A: SARA FAVORIT-OLOGY Q: Number? A: I LIKE 3¡¦S ANY DEMONINATION THEREOF OR ANY NUMBER THAT CONTAINS A THREE. MOSTLY 3, 9, AND 13 Q: Color? A: BURNT ORANGE Q: Season? A: EARLY FALL CURRENT-OLOGY Q: Missing someone? A: NOT AT THE MOMENT. WEIRD. Q: Mood? A: COMPLACENT Q: Listening to? A: FISH TANK Q: Watching? A: NOTHING Q: Worrying about? A: NOTHING RANDOM-OLOGY Q: First place you went this morning? A: RAN TO MY BEDROOM (FELL ASLEEP IN ANOTHER ROOM) BECAUSE I THOUGHT I OVERSLEPT FOR AN APPOINTMENT Q: What can you not wait to do? A: FINISH MY BOOK Q: What's the last movie you saw? A: CRY BABY (IT WAS SITTING THERE AND I HADN¡¦T SEEN IT FOR A WHILE¡K JOHNNY DEPP IS ALWAYS HOTT) Q: Do you smile often? A: WHEN I¡¦M AMUSED Q: Are you a friendly person? A: WHEN I¡¦M AMUSED Q: What is in your left pocket? A: NO POCKETS IN A NIGHT GOWN Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie? A: I FEEL DUMBER FOR HAVING SEEN IT Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house? A: BOTH Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower? A: BOTH Q: Could you live with roommates? A: I PREFER TO LIVE ALONE Q: How many pairs of flip-flops do you own? A: I DUNNO Q: Where were you born? A: FREDERICKSBURG, VA Q: Last time you had a run-in with the cops? A: DON¡¦T REMEMBER, I¡¦M SURE IT INVOLVED SPEEDING Q: What do you want to be when you grow up? A: A WRITER

She lazily sprawled out on the full size bed she'd slept in all of her life. He came to the side of it and smiled down at his lover. Her body turned away from him as she shifted her position to lay on her stomach. Her legs, spread and bent, twisted in the sheets. Her arms laced between the pillows, touching the headboard. Her riotous hair danced on the pillows, teasing her shoulders. It fell where it wanted and made no apologies. Like the woman herself. Pushing aside the covers, he crawled into the bed beside her. In an attempt to remain on the bed, he intertwined his legs in hers, his chest nudged her side and she moaned in her sleep. He nudged her again, and whispered a single word into her ear. "Share." "No, tis my space, my bed, my right." she argues in her sleep, never waking up. Gingerly, he pulled her against him, resting her head on his arm, placing his free arm around her waist. Skin touching skin, and bodies entwined, he was finally able to find rest.