Lost Angel's blog: "good grief"

well am gonna be leaving for wichita soon...and hopefully will find a place...not sure when I will be back...will be either friday or saturday depending on if I find a place and they give me the go ahead to move...if I am moving I am not be online for a few weeks but will let you all know before I leave this hell hole called Fort Scott...Its time to start my new life (lol well I already started but yanno what I mean) found out this morning that buttmunch HAS moved to newton, ks which is approx 30 miles from witchita (but wichita is approx 300,000 people...so what are the chances of him and I running into eachother?)...the apt buildings I am checking into are secured and they have a security gaurd on duty so I dont think I have anything to worry about...its MY LIFE and he's NOT going to control it anymore...I AM going to be happy from here on out and make the most of mine and the children's lives...if I wanna run around the house naked shoot I'm gonna do it lol...there may be obsticals in the way but NOTHING will stop me from now on I want to say thank you for those who have been friends to me and made sweet comments on some of my blogs...ur special friends to me and I lubs (lol yes I spelt it with a b...)*hugs* and to my sis Jen...you've been by me the whole time...lol laughed with me...cried with me...told me off when I need it...always showed me the love of a wonderful sis...ur very special to me sissypoo and I love you dearly * big hugs*... I guess I better take off...its almost a 4 hour drive for me...hugs to all and have a great weekend

Okies finally got my car back this morning and will be on my way to Wichita in a little bit...I pray I get an apt today so I can get moving and start my new life without the worries of buttmunch or his family to bother me...yeah he will be close to Wichita but hey...its gonna be hard to find me with 300,000 peeps right? *happy dance* I'm not going to be on for a day or two so you all have a wonderful weekend and hugs... Sissypoo stinkerpoo love you and will see you tonight...AND no we arent gonna do any "sexy pics" LOL

the weekend was pretty busy and now I am sitting and waiting to see if I get the apt in wichita...why does it seem that when u are waiting time always goes by so slowly? I mean I am wanting to start my life over in a new place without the hassles of having buttmunch's family constantly driving by slowly checking out the house...geez do they think I have a man here or what? I thought about having a car sit in the drive way just so they have something to talk about LOL arent I a stinker :P I feel that my new life is going to be alot better and happier in a place where I can get some of the foods that I grew up with (yippy oriental stores) and there is alot more to do there. Lisa (my daughter who is 16 and a junior) seems to be kind of excited about starting over also...she's so excited about having a decent libraries and "real" book stores...oh yeah and I cant forget the pet stores and MALLS!!!! OH BOY...she better get a job cuz mommy is poor *cries* LOL our new lives are going to bring about alot of new changes also...a new city...new school...new friends... My wonderful sissypoo stinkerpoo...I want to say I love you and you are the greatest sis what anyone could ask for...I'm really proud of you right now (not gonna go into it in this blog) for what you have done...I will just say that all men are not like our ex's and they need a chance also... Jason...my sis is very special to me...she's gone through alot...please take good care of her and dont hurt her...

I got a call from one of the apts (the one I really wanted to live at) I was turned down due to the children's father not paying rent...omg that was 15 years ago and just because my name was on the lease also I am being penilized for it now...he made my life hell while married to him and he's still doing so even after the divorce...to be honest I am not sure why I am so surprised because from the time we got the divorce he's been trying to get the children from me...LOL in Florida the social worker used to bring over donuts and sit and have coffee cuz he knew the alligations were all lies...I've been fighting to keep my children even to this date but each time they find I am a good mom to my children and will give them what they need, make sure there is a roof over their heads and always a full belly...my children have always come before me and I will continue to do that until the day I die... after calming down I decided to go to walmart and get some boxes...walking down the isle I wasnt paying any attention (I have things to get done and wanted to get them done) when all of the sudden I ran smack into someone...I looked up and there was buttmunch...OMG I froze and dont remember anything until the ambulance guys were asking me if I was doing ok...they said the lady that called the ambulance said I turned white and started shaking...my blood pressure shot up sky high and the emts wanted to take me to the hospital...I told them no its a panic attack and I would be ok once I got home and relaxed...one of the emts drove my car home for me and made me sign a paper stating I refused treatment... not long after getting home I get a call from the other apts...OMG my income is $6.00 below thier min amount...living there would cost me less than $500 a month...shoot I am paying $500 a month for this house PLUS all the utilities and making it...what is 6 frigging dollars?!?!? well now I need a co-signer...I called mom and left a message on her machine...havent heard from her yet... I have to thank my loving sis for offering to let me stay with her until I can find a place in wichita if the apt falls through...I love you sis and without you I know for sure my world will fall apart...I cant pay rent here (which is due on the 15th) plus move into a new place...You've been my life saver from the beginning and you will always hold a special place in my heart...*hugs* my wonderful friends on LC...I am sorry I havent been sending comments like I had been...ty for the emails asking if everything is ok and that you have been missing my comments...I've just been going through alot and trying to get my head back on straight again...thank you for sending me comments although I havent been sending them back...they bring a smile to my face and let me know that I am thought of *hugs*

lol I been busy posting poems and have forgotten to update people with what has been going on...the past few weeks have been very stressful and I have to admit that if not for some of my closer friends on here...my wonderful sis... My dear little sis...there are times when I would call and be in tears and you helped me to see the light and realize things arent so bad as they seem...I love you and ty for being you... Today buttmunch is going to court for protection order violations...I am sitting here wondering what is going on and if he is going to get jail time or what...I do know that they are going to make him pay for all the deposits that I had to pay due to him shutting off the utilities when the court ordered him that he could not do that...I know that he doesnt have the money to pay all the deposits...shoot he only works about 28 hours a week cuz he is so darn lazy to find a decent job...he would rather stay at home and download porn until all hours in the morning and nap as soon as he walked in the door...but the DA said that he is his grandma's baby boy so she would most likely do anything to keep him out of jail...which means I might be able to pick up the money this afternoon...that would help so much with me moving and trying to start my life over... Geez the situation with the moving truck...I went to get truck and they didnt tell me that I needed a credit card...shoot I dont believe in credit cards so I had cash...can you believe that they wouldnt take cash??? They would take a visa debit card but I had pulled the money out cuz of planning to move so when they tried to put the card through I did not have enough cash in there to cover it...I begged them to let me get the truck and once I got back to Fort Scott I would go straight to the bank and deposit it BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOO...they wanted me to come back here and deposit the money and drive back to Pittsburg to pick up the truck...well can you believe when I called back the trucks were all taken and now having to wait until sometime today for a truck to come in so I can take it??? Geez what more could happen?!?!?! LOL to make matters worse my landlord is going to come over today for a check out inspection and I dont have my stuff out of the house so they can see everything...OH WELL what am I gonna do??? Lisa has been out of school for about two weeks now cuz of all this crap and last night she sat and cried..."mommy I want to go back to school...I am going to get behind" OMG that broke my heart to pieces...most children would love the idea of not going to school but Lisa is an honor roll student and her grades mean alot to her and she is wanting to go to college...I feel like a total failure being a parent...I tried to explain to her about everything and she seems cool...."mommy its not ur fault all this is happening...I love you and I will always love you...ur the greatest mommy in the world" but I have always been the type that would do anything that my children needed...they are my life and without them I know, for a fact that I wouldnt be here today...they have been my strength to keep going all these years... So once again its a waiting game...will my life ever stop being a waiting game???

I woke up this morning in the best mood possible thinking I was on my way to Wichita...I went out to check the oil in the car and saw something that looked like water...OMG could this really be happening to me??? I look under the car and I see alot of fluid all over under the car...I called the machanic and he brings over the tow truck...he looks and says I have a hole in my radiator...Good Grief...what next?!?!? He takes my little cherry bomb (that is what my daughters call my car) off to the shop and I watch with tears in my eyes.... A couple hours later, the police show up at the house...Ms. Shields we need to talk to you...here I am thinking ok I know I didnt do anything...did one of the girls do something...or did my son get into trouble...omg is my family ok? Well it ends up that my exfiance is back in town and they said that it looks like someone had poked a hole in the radiator tank...there was also a partial finger print that they are going to run...the police dept is also wanting them to check all the break lines etc...I guess when buttmunch said if he couldnt have me no one will...he meant it!!! Well its now almost 10:00 pm central time and have not heard anything on the car...man I hate not being able to just get in my little cherry bomb and drive off into the sunset (cough cough some sunsets we have here)... I guess that everything happens for a reason...maybe God has a better place lined up for me somewhere in Wichita???

why does it seem like when everything is going well someone has to throw a screw driver in the works? I had an apt set up in wichita and now they are saying that I am going to need a co-signer just because my income isnt up to the min standards for what they are asking...well darnit they wont take anyone from out of state so my mom cant do it...shoot the rent and electric is a hell of alot less than what I am paying now with this house and ALL the ulitilies put together... sometimes I just want to sit and cry...I would go out and get a job but people are saying I am a workman's comp liability due to having surgery on my back...I've been a photographer for 15 years and cant even find a job around here doing that...I wish I could get moved and start back to school...at least with medical billing and insurance they cant say I will be on my feet all day...and maybe I might feel like a real person again lol maybe I will play the lottery and win