AJ's blog: "funnies"

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't. As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health. Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service!

MY NEW NAME IS IN THE SUBJECT LINE.....DON'T LAUGH UNTIL YOU FIND OUT WHAT YOUR NEW NAME IS. We all need a little stress-reliever! This only takes a minute.Please don't be a bore and ruin it. Send it on to your friends including the person who sent it to you. Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. If we are honest, we have a lot more stressful days than not. Here is your dose of humor... A. Follow the instructions to find your new name. B. Once you have your new name, put it in the subject box and forward it to friends and family and co-workers. Don't forget to forward it back to the person who sent it to you, so they know you participated. And don't go all adult - a senior manager is now known far and wide as Dorky Gizzardsniffer ! The following is excerpted from a children's book, Captain Underpants And the Perilous Pilot Professor Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey, in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names... So: 1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your New first name: a = snickle b = doombah c = goober d = cheesey e = crusty f = greasy g = dumbo h = farcus I = dorky j = doofus k = funky l = boobie m = sleezy n = sloopy o = fluffy p = stinky q = slimy r = dorfus s = snooty t = tootsie u = dipsy v = sneezy w = liver x = skippy y = dinky z = zippy 2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name: a = dippin b = feather c = batty d = burger e = chicken f = b arffy g = lizard h = waffle i = farkle j = monkey k = flippin l = fricken m = bubble n = rhino o = potty p = hamster q = buckle r = gizzard s = lickin t = snickle u = chuckle v = pickle w = lickin x = dingle y = gorilla z = girdle 3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name: a = butt b = boob c = face d = nose e = hump f = breath g = pants h = shorts i = lips j = honker k = head l = tush m = chunks n = dunkin o = brains p = biscuits q = toes r = doodle s = fanny t = sniffer u = sprinkles v = frack w = squirt x = humperdinck y = hiney z = juice Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is: Fluffy Chucklefanny. Now when you SEND THIS ON...use your new name as the subject. And remember that children laugh an average of 146 times a day; adults laugh an average of 4 times a day. Put more laughter in your day.

Southern Thinking Georgia: The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?' The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.' *************************************************************** Alabama: A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked. 'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.' You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired. 'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!' *************************************************************** Louisiana : A senior at LSU was overheard saying , 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world. ************************************************************** Mississippi : The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!' Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was? 'The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got the license number.' ************************************************************** Tennessee : A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, 'Got any ID?' The driver replied, 'Bout whut?' ************************************************************** Arkansas : A man in Little Rock had a flat tire, pulled onto the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.' The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?' The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.' ************************************************************** And my favorite: You can say what you want about the South, But you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North

fubar Levels: Levels, Points, and Unlocks: Levels Points Unlock... 0 Freshmeat 0 Up to 50 photos 1 Newfu 250 Being known as Meat =) 2 Fu-ling 500 Set your own online status 3 Grasshopper 1,000 Vote on a MUMM 4 Chill Fu 2,000 Post HTML comments 5 Fu-Fighter 4,000 Create your own MUMMs 6 Twisted Fu 6,500 Rip a photo 7 Wasted Fu 9,000 Up to 70 photos 8 Psycho 14,000 Up to 750 profile ratings 9 Freak 25,000 Up to 6000 friends 10 Friend of fubar 35,000 Create your own lounge 11 Barfly 50,000 Up to 110 photos 12 Regular 75,000 Up to 10,000 friends 13 Bad Fu 100,000 Up to 140 photos 14 Minion 135,000 Up to 25 family members 15 Idol 170,000 Up to 5 MUMMs a day 16 Fu-gee 210,000 Up to 175 photos 17 Pimp 250,000 Up to 1000 photo ratings 18 Assassin 300,000 Up to 1000 profile ratings 19 Ninja 350,000 Up to 225 photos 20 Rock Star 425,000 Bolded nickname 21 Fubarlord 750,000 Up to 1500 profile ratings 22 Henchman 1,500,000 Up to 500 bulletins 23 Insider 2,250,000 Up to 280 photos 24 Fu-king 3,000,000 Up to 290 photos 25 Godfather 6,000,000 Up to 25 Top Friends. 26 Disciple 12,000,000 Up to 310 photos. 27 Prophet 24,000,000 Up to 35 Family members. 28 Oracle 48,000,000 Stay tuned... 29 ??? ??? ??? Purgatory 30 ??? ??? ??? Afterlife 50 Sponsored User - Someone who has shown consistent support for fubar throughout its lifetime 100 fubar Supporter - Someone who has helped out fubar along the way 150 fubar Bouncer - A community volunteer who helps keep fubar a safe and clean place to hangout! 200 fubar Family - The folks who spend every breathing moment working fubar 255 Shepherd - babyjesus

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when... 1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen. 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. 11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.. 13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward th is message. 14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. 15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself. Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!

The One Flaw In Women By the time the Lord made woman, He was into his sixth day of working overtime. An angel appeared and said, 'Why are you spending so much time on this one?' And the Lord answered, 'Have you seen my spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, Have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable And able to run on diet coke and leftovers, Have a lap that can hold four children at one time, Have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart -and she will do everything With only two hands.' The angel was astounded at the requirements. 'Only two hands!? No way! And that's just on the standard model? That's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish.' 'But I won't, ' the Lord protested. 'I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days.' The angel moved closer and touched the woman. 'But you have made her so soft, Lord.' 'She is soft,' the Lord agreed, 'but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish.' 'Will she be able to think?', asked the angel. The Lord replied, 'Not only will she be able to think, She will be able to reason and negotiate.' The angel then noticed something, And reaching out, touched the woman's cheek. 'Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one.' 'That's not a leak,' The Lord corrected, 'That's a tear!' 'What's the tear for?' the angel asked. The Lord said, 'The tear is her way of expressing her joy, Her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, Her loneliness, her grief and her pride.' The angel was impressed. 'You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing.' And she is! Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, But they hold happiness, Love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy And laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice. They don't take 'no' for an answer When they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel And cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about A birth or a wedding. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, Yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss Can heal a broken heart. Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you To show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope and love. They have compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE TINY FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

Without GOD, our week would be: Sinday, Mournday, Tearsday, Wasteday, Thirstday, Fightday & Shatterday. If you are not ashamed of GOD, pass it on.

THE OFFICE CONTEST TO BEAT ALL OFFICE CONTESTS The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were: 10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up! 9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper. 8. Viagra, Like a rock! 7 Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.> > 6. Viagra, Be all that you can be. 5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone. 4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. 3. Viagra, Home of the whopper! 2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life! And the unanimous number one slogan: 1. Viagra, This is your peepee, this is your peepee on drugs

20 Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level of Sanity. 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that. 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In." 5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds" 7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy." 8 . Dont use any punctuation 9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. 10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go." 12. Sing Along At The Opera. 13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme? 14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day. 15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood. 16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom. 17. When T he Mon ey Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!" 18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!" 19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go." 20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of sanity....... Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. Its Called ....... therapy

Mirror, Mirror Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch together. Shrek said, I've always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure? Angelina Jolie agreed. 'I'm told I'm the most gorgeous of them all, but sometimes I wonder.' Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man ever but I've never had it confirmed.' They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to ask the famed talking 'mirror, mirror on the wall' to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Angelina Jolie was the most gorgeous and Brad Pitt was the sexiest. They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings. The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, it's true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world.' Brad Pitt perked up and said: 'And I know for sure that I'm the sexiest man alive.' But Angelina Jolie lifted her sad, gorgeous face and said....... 'Who the heck is AMY WINBURN?!!!! " Change the name and pass the fun along!