1 When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
2 The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
3 Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.
4 Life doesn't give Jack Bauer lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants.
5 The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.
6 Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."
7 Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.
8 Jack Bauer can break anyone and anything, but he will always break the protocol first.
9 My husband doesn't wish he was Jack Bauer. He wishes I was Jack Bauer.
10 If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
11 If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
12 Jack Bauer is the only human in the world with the ability to make Chloe O'Brien drop the personality disorder and patch him through.
13 Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
14 Jack Bauer does not get taken prisoner. He puts himself in a disadvantageous position so as to make his next several killings more dramatic.
15 Jack Bauer doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry.
16 The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.
17 Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
18 Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up their location.
19 There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.
20 Going to China is all part of Jack Bauer's master plan to rid the world of Communism.
21 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
22 Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
23 Jack Bauer always wins in the game "Life." Obviously.
24 When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
25 If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's fucking beef.
26 If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
27 When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.
28 The only reason the Chinese kept Jack alive is so that he could bring down the population.
29 Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
30 American Idol is only popular because it has a commercial for 24.
31 If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.
32 A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were getting hurt for trying to play Jack.
33 Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
34 Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
35 Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
36 On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
37 It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.
38 Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
39 If you have the ability to read, thank a teacher. If you have the freedom to read, thank the veterans of WW2. If you're alive to read, thank Jack Bauer.
40 Get one thing straight, the only reason that container ship is still afloat is that Jack Bauer doesn't feel like swimming all the way to China.
41 Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
42 RIP Edgar If you see this give it a 10. Just cuz it's what Edgar would have wanted. :(
43 Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."
44 Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
45 Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It's basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer's PC. Ever.
46 Jack Bauer does not use doors. He makes his own.
47 In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.
48 Jack Bauer let himself be drugged, beaten and captured inside a crate on a Chinese ship heading out of the USA with no way for help to find him. Now he has them right where we wants them.
49 Michael Jackson once told Jack Bauer to "beat it," and Jack Bauer beat the black out of him. Thus began Michael Jackson's downward spiral.
50 Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that pussy went to the hospital first.
51 Shooting Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
52 There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
53 If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.
54 Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
55 When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."
56 In 120 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 136 people and saved the world 5 times. What the fuck have you done with your life?
57 Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct. Don't ask how he did it, he's fucking Jack Bauer.
58 The truth may hurt, but it doesn't hurt as much as Jack Bauer.
59 Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
60 Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
61 Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
62 Jack Bauer doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers.
63 Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
64 Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.
65 When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
66 Jack Bauer wasn't born, he was unleashed.
67 Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
68 Jack needed a well-earned holiday after season 5. Drugged, captured, beaten and tortured in a cargo hold surrounded by Chinese agents eager for revenge is just his preferred method of travel - otherwise he tends to get bored on long trips.
69 In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie. See what happens when Bauer isn't around?
70 Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're fucking dead."
71 Jack Bauer once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
72 Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.
73 Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.
74 Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the ..5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
75 Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."
76 When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
77 In high school Jack Bauer was voted "Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid"... and "Best Eyes."
78 If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn't have to bear witness to what he'd do to Nina.
79 Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
80 Jack Bauer killed 136 people in just 5 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
81 Don't beg Jack Bauer to shoot you. He will simply shoot your wife. No man tells Jack Bauer what to do.
82 Never use the phrase, "I feel half dead," around Jack Bauer; he never leaves a job unfinished.
83 Jack Bauer was able to eliminate Bird Flu playing Duck Hunt.
84 There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.
85 Jack Bauer does not let women on top during sex. Why? Because Jack Bauer never fucks up.
86 Explosions do not kill Jack Bauer, they just get stuff out of his way.
87 Let's face it, Jack's man purse/carrying bag makes Batman's utility belt look like a piece of rope.
88 If Jack Bauer was Santa Claus, the only present you'd get is your life.
89 There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. They are all Jack Bauer.
90 When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
91 When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".
92 Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
93 If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.
94 Messenger bags owe Jack Bauer for single-handedly stealing them from the clutches of emo fashion and making them genuinely cool. Same thing with hoodies. And crying.
95 "Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm fucked".
96 When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.
97 The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music.
98 Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.
99 Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.
100 People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
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101 When Christopher Henderson tried to shoot Jack, his gun was, in fact, loaded. The bullets were just too scared to come out.
102 If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
103 Jack has broken Tony's leg, knocked Curtis out, and shot George Mason with a tranquilizer dart. Temporary incapacitation is Jack Bauer's way of saying, "let's be friends."
104 The "Smoothie" was invented when Jack Bauer needed information from a banana.
105 The answer is Jack Bauer, the question doesn't matter.
106 When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
107 Quetin Tarantino was asked to direct a biography about Jack Bauer. He passed. It was too violent.
108 Jack Bauer once called the Vice President "Mr. President", but realized his mistake and shot the President. Jack Bauer is never wrong.
109 In Iraq, the U.S. military recently concluded a military offensive utilizing 200 armored ground vehicles and 50 weaponized helicopters in an intense search for terrorists called "OPERATION SWARMER" or, as Jack Bauer calls it, "casual Friday."
110 Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
111 Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.
112 When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
113 During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.
114 Jack Bauer can leave a message before the beep.
115 To Jack Bauer, the question is not whether the glass is half empty or half full. It's that somebody drank half his damn water, and now they will have a face full of glass.
116 Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
117 It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year*", there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Jack Bauer."
118 When playing "Truth or Dare, " Jack Bauer dares you not to tell him the truth.
119 Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.
120 Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.' Why? Because He's a pussy.
121 Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
122 Jack Bauer went out to the desert, and was bitten by a rattlesnake. The snake died.
123 If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.
124 Once Jack Bauer becomes governor of California, Mexico will have an immigration problem.
125 Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.
126 Jack Bauer has never caught a cold. How do we know? Colds still exist.
127 Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
128 Jack Bauer once found the cure for cancer. He destroyed it immediately after he realized that cancer was the only thing giving him competition in the 'Deaths per Day' category.
129 Osama Bin Laden hides under the covers in his bedroom every Monday night from 9 to 10 and cries.
130 If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
131 After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise admitted that he was gay.
132 If Jack Bauer lived next door to Kramer, Kramer would knock before entering.
133 Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
134 What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.
135 Jack Bauer once went into a bar, and asked for a 'Jack Bauer'. He received three shots of Jack Daniel's, a shot of kerosene and four shots of tequila mixed. When seeing this, another man approached the bar and asked for a Jack Bauer. He got a 9mm round to the face.
136 Jack Bauer uses ..1 pencils on standardized tests.... Jack Bauer doesn't associate with anything that is ..2.
137 Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.
138 When Jack Bauer looks in the mirror, he doesn't see his reflection. Because there can only be one Jack Bauer.
139 If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
140 In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
141 Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.
142 Jack Bauer makes onions cry.
143 The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"
144 When David Palmer took the oath of office, he raised his right hand and placed his left hand on Jack Bauer.
145 If Jack Bauer shot you while quail hunting, it wouldn't be an accident.
146 Chase Edmunds waited until he was sure Jack Bauer was dead before he dumped Kim.
147 Jack Bauer made 3 million Americans simultaneously hold their breath. You know you were one of them.
148 G.I. Joe has Jack Bauer action figures.
149 Jehovah's Witnesses once tried to convert Jack Bauer. After four minutes of interrogation, they admitted Jack Bauer was God.
150 Jack Bauer doesn't make threats. He makes facts.
151 In Poker, Jack Bauer doesn't need to bluff. He looks at opponent, tells them to fold, and they do so. Always.
152 You know Jack Bauer loves Audrey when he willingly gives up the opportunity to torture her.
153 You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
154 When Jack Bauer pissses into the wind, the wind changes direction.
155 Jack Bauer often stands in front of his microwave and yells "WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME" while waiting for his Top Ramen to cook.
156 Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
157 By seizing Jack Bauer, China has jumped to ..1 in the world for the quality of weaponry available in inventory.
158 My parents told my little brother and I that Jack Bauer was "just a television character". We are now orphans.
159 In one episode, there was an assassin who had the ability to throw Jack Bauer to the ground and break his rib. I hate how unrealistic 24 is sometimes.
160 When Chuck Norris files his taxes, he sends in a blank return and a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has never had to pay taxes. This year, however, the IRS sent him back a picture of Jack Bauer wearing his dark sunglasses. The next day, Chuck Norris pled guilty to multiple counts of tax evasion.
161 Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.
162 Jack Bauer ended The Never Ending Story.
163 During the 18 months Jack Bauer was believed dead, CTU saved over $1 billion on ammunition.
164 James Bond has a license to kill. Jack Bauer don't need any licenses.
165 Jack Bauer once tortured and killed a man using only shadow puppets.
166 Jack Bauer tells Bob Barker when the price is right.
167 Jack is sorry for your loss, but he needs you to focus on the primary objective right now.
168 Jack Bauer doesn't get busy signals. No one is too busy to talk to Jack Bauer.
169 All men are created equal. They are all vastly inferior to Jack Bauer.
170 The only reason David Palmer is dead was because when faced with a national threat, he called the First Lady instead of Jack Bauer. Idiot.
171 Anything is a weapon of mass destruction in the hands of Jack Bauer.
172 Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.
173 The quickest way to a man's heart is through Jack Bauer's gun.
174 Jack Bauer can hit two birds with no stones.
175 Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
176 If you have information Jack Bauer needs, make sure your wife is sitting next to you.
177 Jack Bauer can touch MC Hammer.
178 You walk into a bar and Jack Bauer's your wingman, you're probably gonna get laid.
179 It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.
180 Guys take it as a compliment when they mistakenly get called "Jack Bauer" by their girlfriends during sex.
181 Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
182 The safety on Jack's gun isn't there to protect Jack. It's there to protect the gun.
183 Every time you maturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not beacuase you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.
184 Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
185 When Jack Bauer turns on an Xbox the screen just says "You Win" and turns itself off again.
186 If Jack Bauer tells you to get out of the room because you don't want to see what he's about to do, you better stay your ass in that room because you're about to witness the most shockingly awesome thing you've ever seen.
187 Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Little did he know fear itself fears Jack Bauer.
188 Jack Bauer doesn't play the game SORRY. Jack Bauer apologizes to no one.
189 Jack Bauer only wears body armor to protect the men behind him.
190 Jack Bauer has shot more men in the face than Elton John.
191 If Jack Bauer was the head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles, T.O. would have shut the fuck up and just played.
192 No man has ever used the phrase, "Jack Bauer is a pussy" in a sentence and lived to tel-
193 Strippers tip Jack Bauer.
194 Jack Bauer doesn't do sequels because there is nothing he can't finish the first time.
195 Jack Bauer knows Victoria's secret.
196 If you are still conscious, it is because Jack Bauer doesn't want to carry you.
197 If you send someone to kill Jack Bauer, the only thing you accomplish is supplying him a fresh set of weapons to kill you with.
198 The only difference between Jack Bauer and the electric chair is that Jack Bauer makes you talk first.
199 Jack Bauer can divide by zero.
200 How many Jack Bauer's does it take to change a light bulb? None, Jack Bauer can see in the dark.
