All I really wanted was for you to know me. To really want to know me.
For so long, I was disguised, silent, invisible. Never asking, never giving. The only way to protect this woman that I am was to never let her free. Aching, tortured, misunderstood. Hiding behind wanting eyes and a painful smile.
Some noticed. Some tried to get in. So fierce was my intent to remain unbroken but I knew it was much too late for that. Still, I refused to let it show. Those who got too close were met with disdain, disgust. I was too aware of what was happening, yet could do nothing to stop it. I secretly desired that someone would persist, someone would break me down. I imagined the tears would flow, the burden would be lifted, and I could trust in that person as a friend and confidant, maybe even a lover. Some got close. Sometimes my insecurities were too much for them to take and they ran like Hell. Sometimes my insecurities were too much for ME to take and I ran like Hell. I'm tired. And lonely.
I like you. I thought I found a new friend. You made me smile, made me laugh. Made me think about things in a different way. I thought maybe someday you'd even make my heart tickle. It was fun to think about. I didn't want or expect anything from you. Just for you to know me, and for you to want to know me. I thought we were headed there, but something went so wrong. I hadn't allowed myself to FEEL in so long. And once I did, it felt so good that I got caught up in the FEELing, and forgot about the THINKing. Now it's ruined. And you, who swore not judge, have become my fiercest critic. And in your mind, I'm not a person anymore. I thought you were misunderstood, like me. But you’ve misunderstood me, too. You've got me all wrong, and now it’s like you never knew me at all. My body taken, my soul forsaken, and you will never really know me. And now you don't even want to.
