Darling Nikki Nikki Knight Keeper of the's blog: "Get Inside"

Wow, this is the first blog in a long time that hasn't been in the form of lyrics that I've written. Today I'm mad. At myself. Basically, I've been having a little girl tantrum because I felt I haven't been getting the attention I wanted from the person I wanted it from, and I acted like a jerk. Insecurity's got the best of me (wait, I think those are part of some new lyrics I'm working on), and I'm acting stupid. Someone who means a whole lot to me is seeing a very ugly side of me for no sensible reason whatsoever. Have you ever been so frustrated trying to get close to someone and in the process you actually cause the reverse to happen and you drive them away? That's where I'm going. The place I never wanted to go. I am trying to put things in perspective because I feel like I am acting childish and insecure. Part of me is, I guess. I don't want to be that girl, and it is not at all part of the woman that I am today. Even at my age, I'm so torn sometimes about who I am and why. For the most part I am strong, independent, cautious, guarded. I take my time letting others inside. Just every now and then, I find someone who I am so drawn to, that I just long for them to really know me, and to like me, and to see through that guarded exterior to see all the good in me. Sometimes I just want to be weak for awhile. To feel safe with someone that I trust (and who trusts me) and let my guard down for a bit. So I let my guard down and no, I didn't get hurt, if that's what you thought I would say. I got needy, greedy and selfish. I took it personally when the other person didn't open up the same way. I felt hurt and felt that I wasn't trusted. I pushed when I shouldn't have pushed. I expected more than I should have expected. And I didn't listen to what was really being said. So I feel I have created more distance between me and this person. I'm mad at myself for that! Now just how do I undo all that and start fresh again without any weirdness? I overanalyze things, for sure. Think things to death. This is why I'm me. And Lord help anyone who takes the time and patience to know me!

All I really wanted was for you to know me. To really want to know me. For so long, I was disguised, silent, invisible. Never asking, never giving. The only way to protect this woman that I am was to never let her free. Aching, tortured, misunderstood. Hiding behind wanting eyes and a painful smile. Some noticed. Some tried to get in. So fierce was my intent to remain unbroken but I knew it was much too late for that. Still, I refused to let it show. Those who got too close were met with disdain, disgust. I was too aware of what was happening, yet could do nothing to stop it. I secretly desired that someone would persist, someone would break me down. I imagined the tears would flow, the burden would be lifted, and I could trust in that person as a friend and confidant, maybe even a lover. Some got close. Sometimes my insecurities were too much for them to take and they ran like Hell. Sometimes my insecurities were too much for ME to take and I ran like Hell. I'm tired. And lonely. I like you. I thought I found a new friend. You made me smile, made me laugh. Made me think about things in a different way. I thought maybe someday you'd even make my heart tickle. It was fun to think about. I didn't want or expect anything from you. Just for you to know me, and for you to want to know me. I thought we were headed there, but something went so wrong. I hadn't allowed myself to FEEL in so long. And once I did, it felt so good that I got caught up in the FEELing, and forgot about the THINKing. Now it's ruined. And you, who swore not judge, have become my fiercest critic. And in your mind, I'm not a person anymore. I thought you were misunderstood, like me. But you’ve misunderstood me, too. You've got me all wrong, and now it’s like you never knew me at all. My body taken, my soul forsaken, and you will never really know me. And now you don't even want to.

14 Things About Me... 1. I talk to myself. A lot. Sometimes just thinking out loud, sometimes re-doing a conversation that already happened, sometimes practicing for a conversation I plan to have. 2. When I'm not talking to myself I'm singing. Anything from Lisa Loeb to System of a Down. I love to sing and I'm a bit of a karaoke hound. 3. I love the casinos. But I don't know how to quit when I'm ahead. I need a chaperone. And a leash. 4. I'm good at acting indifferent, but I really do care. I love as deeply as I feel, but I probably won't let you catch me at either one. 5. That Miss Independent thing? It's a front. I kinda do want you to take care of me sometimes. I want to feel long, strong arms around me and just once be allowed to be weak for a minute. 6. My son is the best thing that ever happened to me and nothing comes before him. He's my reason. This should have been #1. OMG I'm a horrible mother! 7. If there's one thing I want people to be able to say about me after I'm gone, it's that I was a good person and especially a good mother (see above). I don't want people at my funeral to say, "Yeah, she was pretty hot" or "Her boobs were really big". Both may be true ;), but I want to have a real impact on someone somewhere in this world--first and foremost my son. 8. I collect stars. And magnolias. 9. I love hazelnut candles. I wonder what my son is getting me for Christmas again :) 10. I am a total packrat and a slob. I have trouble parting with things that I have no use for whatsoever. Everything has memories attached to it somehow. I am working on "letting go" LOL 11. I hate housework. And I'm looking for a nice man with dishpan hands. :) 12. I love the crisp, fall air and the crunch of the leaves when I'm walking outside. This is my favorite time of the year. 13. I'm bored with people who feign interest in everything that interests me. I'm more intrigued by learning new hobbies and interests, hearing new ideas and different points of view. I have a very diverse group of friends and acquaintances--from all walks of life. Each one has a unique charm and a special place in my heart. 14. All I really want is for you to know me. And to really want to know me.