Sure everyone has their own set of rules for fuck buddies, some nicer and some harsher, but these are mine. Some may sound cold and objectifying, but these rules are intended to protect feelings–as ironic as that may seem. Listen to me, I speaketh the truth.
Reality check: the rules of boyfriends and the rules of fuck buddies are completely different. In no equation does B.F. equal F.B. Do not ever confuse them because that’s when feelings start to get hurt. Yes, fuck buddies have feelings too but you are only concerned about how his cock feels inside you, got it?
• No holding hands. Keep hands to the crotch-el region.
• No spending the night.
• Fifteen minutes of cuddling max. But affection is generally discouraged beyond “Aww, you’re such a great fuck!”
• Do not enter upon a fuck buddy arrangement or situation while drunk. There’s a difference between a one-night stand and a fuck buddy. Although entering either drunk is not wise. God forbid there’s a beer-goggles situation. You don’t want to go to bed with Will Smith and wake up with Steve Urkel, do you? Besides, don’t you want to be sober enough to remember all the marvelous sex you had the night before?
• No toothbrushes. There should be no ties at all, even if they cost only $2.49 and secretly you let your other fuck buddy use the same one.
• Don’t discuss anything real. No family history, no favorite colors, no goals, no personal triumphs or tragedies. If you want to keep it real, you have to stay light: movies, bands, and favorite brands of booze.
• He is not obligated to have sex with you while you’re having your period. Most nice boyfriends will, but fuck buddies have the option to pass. If he doesn’t mind, then cool.
• No sweetie, honey, schmoopie allowed. The only pillow-talk is fuck me harder, ride me bitch, or suck this big cock.
• No dinners, no movies, no “quality time” of any sort. If you insist on going out at all, meet him at a bar for drinks no earlier than ten pm. The hour between nine and ten is the grey zone between when a real date starts and when it’s just a hook-up. So if you ever wonder why a guy asks you out for a date so late, it’s because he doesn’t want to have to go through the effort of buying you dinner and talking, he just wants to get to the good stuff.
• Two guys in twenty-four hours is fine, just be discreet.
• You still need to dress to impress. Just because you know sex is a sure thing doesn’t mean you should answer the door in your pajamas unless they’re really tight and see-thru. Shower, shave, lotion up, smell good, and have some fun with that tight mini-skirt you would never wear on a real date.
• Break out the sex toys. Play up the freak factor and see how much you can get away with. Part of the fun of a fuck buddy is you don’t care if he respects you or not and so you can let loose and reveal that sadist tendency of yours. Who says the nipple clamps are just for women?
• Hide evidence. Throw out all condom wrappers (although you should no matter what, ew!), put the lube back in your goodie drawer, and for fuckssake don’t get any hickeys, bruises, bites, or scratches if you expect to date/fuck anyone else any time soon. And if you have a collared-shirt job, keep all that shit below the neck line so you don’t give your boss a heart attack. Or any ideas. —shudder—
• No liquid exchange. You’re not a twelve year-old girl in a convent, you know about condoms and birth control. Use both.
• Pee with the door closed. Just because you’re using each other for sex doesn’t mean you can’t keep some decency.
Have I forgotten anything? Leave comments.
*Sound harsh? Then maybe fuck buddies aren’t for you. It’s a rough game and not everyone is meant to play. Just being realistic here.
