In life we try many times to live upto other peoples expectations no matter how hard they are to achieve, we have hope in our hearts that we will lead a good life and that people may remember us as such, my expectations have always remained the same i know that at some point my life will change, i know this because its happening now, things are starting to move, people are starting to come back and generally things couldn't be much better on a mental scale, these blogs are more about me unbottling my emotions than a serious look at life but there personal experiances that im trying to share, im reaching the peak of what i call progress in my mind, i wanted to marry and im sad that now that no longer seems to be happening, but happy that im still 29 and a whole future of events lies infront of me, i applyed to a soup kitchen today to help out, being told im selfish and whining today made me think twice about somethings, my immense care for the people who matter does lead me to be over sympathetic and pushy towards certain issues, i like to know where i stand and regularly too, if im too critical then i risk backlashes, if im too honest the same happens, so my expectations were always low, but i've seen something today i saw clearly what i was doing for the 1st time in 3 years, i gave my heart away on a plate, and it was taken by someone who i still will care for however much they decide theyre going to hate me, because i want to be with her all the time i want to be in her life and be a part of it, i went on about not talking to her, well it crucifies me when it happens, im not saying oh she should change how she is for me because thats what i want, far from it, what i am saying is that i care so much that it hurts when i spend one day away from her voice and her love, i feel like i've failed, and the constant need to talk dwells from the fact that i want to put right whatever i made wrong, i want what is best for her i always have, and i was kind of brought around to the idea that it might be best to call it a day, we've tried for so long to make it happen and the last thing i want is hate, and its so near now that im scared that the next email or Instant message will be the last i ever get, she says she's done with me, my whining and crying, my depression, well im not depressed im looking forward to the future whatever it may hold, i wish it was with Jenny, but if its not im sure it will hold its own intrests and its future loves, but i love Jenny, i just wish she could feel how much i do.....
:) Love to all :)
Simon
