I've been thinking a lot about wants and desires. I had a conversation with someone last nite that brought this whole subject to the forefront of my mind. It was one of those really deep spiritual conversations where you just feel...connected to something bigger than you...some vast database of information that you have the ability to delve into. It's the same feeling that I get when I'm writing and I'm on a roll. It's as if I'm touching a part of my brain that lies dormant most of the time...shaking it to wake it up. And now it's wide awake...ready to take on the world.
We're gonna define the word DESIRE:
1. To wish or long for; want
2.To express a wish for; request
...but I think it's more than that. Desire can be all-consuming. It can, if unfulfilled, eat away at your soul. Everyone wants something. It could be wealth, fame, happiness, world peace, love, hell...maybe even just a grilled cheese sammich...mmmmm grilled cheese.
Most of us don't reveal to the world our deepest desires. We keep them hidden lest we open ourselves up to disappointment or humiliation. But, me...I don't care about either. I've spent so much time disappointed that it's become a way of life for me and if you put even the smallest part of yourself out there for the world to see you can be humiliated...so why worry about it?
Therefore, I feel no qualms about letting you in on my deepest desires...
I want wealth, I want fame, I want happiness, I want world peace, I want love...hell...I want a grilled cheese sammich. Give it to me now, Bitch! There is so much more to it than that though. I want to be heard. I want to be understood. I want to be wanted. I want to be equal.
I want to wake up in the morning and smile just knowing I'm alive. I had that once, but it lasted a short time. Waking up and looking over to see that certain person curled up under the blanket beside you can be a glorious thing. I want....................
Okay...enough of that.
Some one said to me, "I need a life". My answer to that was simply "You have a life. You just hide from it". This apparently didn't go over very well so I also told him that it was okay because I hide from mine too. I spend an overly abundant time in front of this computer screen. Some people say it's because I'm addicted, but that's not it...not totally. I'm hiding. What do I have to hide from? Well, let's see...
I've said before I have no illusions about what and who I am and I don't dislike myself. Far from it. I don't think I'm "all that" or anything but I'm generally a good person. I'm cute, smart, funny, outgoing, honest, and open. The problem is that not everyone is like that. After 33 years of being lied to, controlled, cheated on, beat down, and emotionally scarred, I now arise before you a battered and broken shell of who I once was. Who would want to face that? Who would want to wake up in the morning to those scars and that pain? Maybe that's why I barely sleep. That way I don't have to wake up. It's so much easier to convince yourself that you're happy with what you have when you have a day or two of sleep deprivation behind you. At that point your mind has the ability to play all sorts of interesting tricks on you. At this point I'd rather be tricked into happiness than to be forced to look at things the way they are. Hmmm...I think I just discovered some insight into someone else I know...
But no time to go into that. Right now my mind is tricking me into thinking that a grilled cheese sammich would make it all better.
I think I'll take my mind's advice. MMMMM...yummy cheesy goodness....
