Morrigan's blog: "I rant...therefore I am."

I've realized some things about myself recently and, for some absurd reason known only to the monster that lives in my brain, I feel the sudden need to share.

I'm that girl. You all know the one. I'm that girl who wants to be taken care of...who wants to be told what to do, but is just way too proud to admit it without one hell of a fight. I've become so accustomed to controlling everything...whether I want to or not...that the entire concept of letting go and handing the reins over to someone else scares the living shit out of me.

That doesn't make me want it any less.

So, last night, I used my new handcuffs to secure myself to the metal bedpost and tossed the keys to the other side of the room. And I just lay there, eyes closed, unable to think of anything but the position I was in. Prone, vulnerable, helpless. I breathed in and out in a constant state of panic for about the first 20 minutes as the darkness of my room enveloped me and the cool air from my open window washed over my bare skin. Hot tears spilled from the corners of my eyes and, unbidden, rolled across my cheeks and down my bare neck into the tangle of my hair. I wanted to scream. I wanted to thrash back and forth and pull at the metal that bit into the tender flesh of my wrists. I wanted to curse the course of events that led me to this moment. I despised myself for allowing such vulnerability...for letting anyone, even myself, to take that control away. Still, I stayed silent. I wanted those keys, but wouldn't allow myself to even attempt to reach for them.

And then, just as suddenly and as violently as the episode of panic began, it was gone. My breathe came in even measure, my muscles relaxed, my eyelids fluttered, and my mouth spread into a wide, insane grin.  I could feel the muscles of my face working to stretch to their fullest capacity. The tears flowed again. Only this time, they weren't tears of panic. They came from joy. Joy at knowing that, even after all these years of constant rigid control...even after all of the time worrying and waiting and taking care of other people...I could still let go. I could still be that girl that wanted to be taken care of.

I have a short list of people in this world that I care about. I surround myself with them daily. Amber, Nick, Stevo, Arian, Cody, my kids...my granddaughter. Friends and family, all. I would do just about anything for any one of them.

But there's one...one...ONE...person I would give that control up to, besides myself.

It's just too bad that he doesn't seem to want it anymore.