biggun No more Mr nice guy's blog: "don't know!"

Well I have been doing a lot of soil searching lately. Life is far to short to hate anybody. So I forgive you my father for the times you were unfaithful to mom and how your mistress and her children were more important to you then my sister and I were! This is so very hard for me to say, all I have ever done was to try to make you proud of me! And it seems all I ever did was fail you, that is how I feel. So many things and times I felt worthless, and humiliated when my friends would see you with your mistress and came to me and asked who that lady they saw you with was! And I also forgive the mother in law that prays daily for my death cause my wife died of lung cancer and it was my fault!! And to all of the sisters in law for taking advantage of me when I was feel at my darkest times of my life. Asking for money in loans and never paying them back! All is forgive. But don't expect me to be there for wedding and birthday and holidays cause it hurts to much to be reminds of what a fool I was during my darkness!! I now look to the future and hope the lady I love knows that she is loved with the full measure of my heart!! She is beautiful and I dream of her and think of her throughout my days! I just need to put this down there is so much more to say but not today! Thank you for reading this!

Well everyone a year ago today my best friend of 30 years killed himself.

It has been on my mind a lot lately, I still don't why he did what he did it.

I have found myself dialing him just to say hi how is the family doing.

I guess I just wanted to say you never forget a true friend!

And he was a true friend and I miss him.

So I guess you never forget true friends and those you love!!!

I just needed to say this tonight to honor my friend!

I have been thinking about my fureral lately and want a few things done.

I want parts of my ashes spread in Yosemite, the Yellowstone and where my heart was the happiest Africa!! and for music I want empty saddles in the old corral, Amazing grace and African sky blue by Jaluka! I just want it to be some of the things I loved in life!! Am I right to plan things now or should I just let someone burn me and dump me in the back yard! that's it for now! it does not really matter anymore!!!!!!!

Bury my heart in Africa it's the last place I truly felt free! Bury my heart in Africa it is the place I felt at home! Let my ashes blow across the land. May they touch the places where the great ones walked,may they mix with and nurture the land, as the land has nurtured me.Let the grass where they are spread may the grass be green! So please bury my heart in Africa allow my soul to be free!!

I don't know anymore! I just found out one of my best friends killed himself 3 days ago! 25 years ago we worked together drank together had fun played chess!! now he is gone and I will miss him. I talked to him last week he sounded good, I had no clue he was hurting so bad!! he never let me know. I wish I could of stopped him I wish I could of helped! I will miss you my friend! I feel empty now I don't feel anything at all! I just don't know anymore! I am sad again, it seems I have been sad for a long time!! I hope one day I will be happy again...well that's about it for now!! Just empty again feeling nothing at all again!!