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Let me start off by saying that I do not consider myself to be an authority on this subject. Anyone who says that they are is probably selling something. When it comes to picking up women, I'm about as smooth as 30 grit sandpaper. I am, however, a very astute observer. This post is meant to entertain my friends that are currently in a relationship and are seeking to live vicariously through the lives of those NOT in a relationship. I've been on both sides of that velvet rope, and know that it is the story of a single person that tends to be the most interesting because it has the most potential to contain the words: midgets, honey, twins, riding crop, and Twister. These observations are based on real events in my own life, and like my life, it is not meant to be taken seriously.
THE CRAZY TRAIN (Ages 21-25)
If you are in your mid 30s and you have your sights set on The Crazy Train, then your judgement is impaired. You have probably just gotten out of a long relationship where you weren't allowed a lot of freedom. Perhaps you are out with your friends and this is part of a dare, or maybe you're just testing the waters to see just what you are capable of. Whatever the reason, you need to be aware that this probably will not end well for you.
Women in this age range are fast. It is in this age range when most women do their craziest shit... and considering that women do some pretty crazy shit at ANY age, it is safe to say that on the crazy meter, this one goes up to eleven. The reason for this attitude is because women have found out that their sexuality is weapons grade shit. They are still in awe of the power that they wield and are often times surprised at their own results. At this age, the world is their bauble and they are just finding that out.
In order to get the attention of The Crazy Train, you need to adopt a passive approach. You need to stand out, but you can't appear to be trying to catch The Train. You must be aloof while maintaining a detached air of superiority. Take your best strengths and amp them up. If you're funny, be funnier than those around you, but don't be overly amused by others. If you're intelligent, showcase your intellect with subtlety... it's a thin line between perceived genius and pretentious fuckbag. If you happen to be both intelligent and funny, you should write a blog about how to court women. Once you are showcasing yourself, understand that this is like setting a trout line -- you're not going to get results every time. Chances are you will have to continue this attempt repeatedly until The Crazy Train has sized you up and come up with a reasonable list of good qualities about you that she can use to rationalize her attraction to you when talking with her friends and looking at herself in the mirror.
Once The Crazy Train has become attracted to you, the first thing you need to do is make sure that all of your insurance policies are valid and up to date. Take half of the money that you have in the bank and have a trustworthy friend hold on to it for you. Then continue to be aloof. Remember the role that you are playing. You are the mature, experienced, older man that is part James Bond and part Sam Elliott (What? You're not the 'cowboy' type? Fuck you, you are now). You represent stability. A man that is both financially and emotionally stable. You conduct yourself with class and decorum but still know how to cut loose and get crazy when it's appropriate.
Sex with The Crazy Train is much as you might expect it to be. Your other sexual exploits were like a ride at Disneyland; fun and quite entertaining, but not much of a surprise... but sex with The Crazy Train is like sitting handcuffed and blindfolded in the back of a '67 Skylark convertible that is going 120 miles per hour down a winding country road while being driven by a pissed off badger. You're utterly surprised if you survive the act, and all you can do afterwards is assess the damage.
Maintaining a relationship with The Crazy Train is an exercise in futility. Her problems are plentiful and all stem from her horrible judgement. Your attempts to relate to her result in her laughing and then giving you the look of a mother who has just seen her son lose his swimming trunks after diving into the water... and it's televised... because it's the Olympics. One of you will soon lose interest in the other and you'll both chalk it up to an embarrassing time in your life.
