TRUST the fuchead's blog: "confusion"

Right now, I am wondering. I wonder if I am being stupid. I wonder if my heart is controlling my brain. I wonder if I see things that are not there. I wonder if I am working towards a goal that is not there. I put you on a pedestal, it's where you belong, but I wonder if it's my pedestal that you belong on. Right now I know. I know I am still in love with you. I know I will still do anything for you. I know I will still take care of you no matter what. I know I am willing to spend the rest of my life making up for what I have done wrong. I know I want more, but don't know if I deserve what I have. Right now I am scared. No matter what I need to live my life. I need interaction. I need affection. I need intimacy. I need someone to be there for me like I am there for you. I have given you about 2 months now. 2 weeks living somewhere else away from me. You are the only one I would have given this much time to. I need to move on one way or another. Either with you, or without you. You know which I would prefer. Right now I think. I think you still love me. I think if you didn't you would have broke away clean. I think your stuff would be out of my house. I think your dog would be somewhere else. I think you wouldn't be helping me with the kids. I think we wouldn't be talking everyday, even though it hurts both of us. I think as much as all of your reasons make you want you to run, you still want to stay, and can't bring yourself to erase what we had. I think you know what can be, in either direction, and you want to find out which way it will go. Right now I am sorry. I am sorry for how I reacted. While there is no excuse, for me doing what I did, I think every man has a breaking point. I am sorry for the anger. I am sorry for the confusion. I am sorry for my desire. I am sorry for those that got hurt in my crossfire. I am sorry to the friends I have lost. I am sorry I can't take it back. Right now I need. I need to know. I need an answer. I need my life. I need you back. I need you, if you're not coming back to go away. I need to not be in limbo. I need you to know, to know that while you may not be here for me, I will always be there for you. If you decide to take your stuff and go, it will be done. Over. Gone. Like nothing ever happened between us. I will erase every trace of us. Right now I will. I will erase you from my phone, my myspace, my yahoo, my e mails. I will do that for you, not for me. I will do that so I can leave you alone. Because if not, I will never stop trying. You do not need to do the same. Save my phone number. Save my e mail addresses. If you ever need me, for any reason, if I can help I will. I will be there at the drop of a hat. I will do that because, no matter how much anger, how much stress, how much frustration, how much betrayal, has gotten in between us, I still love you. It took a lot for me to allow myself to love you, and let you into my home, my family, and integrate you into my life. It all means so much to me. I will never let anything get in the way of the love I feel for you. I will never just decide this is to hard and give up on something this special. Right now, I don't know what to do. Time is running out. While I don't want to move on, I don't want to find someone else, I need to do something. I can't just sit here and wait for you. I know we have what it takes to out last any other relationship, if we tried. What we have is more than convenience. Its more than the easy way. Just because times are rough is no reason to throw it away like it is 2 year old sour kraut. (yes I had to include a German pun, joke) I know we were meant to be together. As much as we have helped each other grown in the last 2 years is no coincident. If you let me I will make sure we get through this. I have that power. We have that power, if you don't just give up.

A life altering event happened to me recently. While I am staying strong, coping, and facing life, essential I am crushed, and on the verge of death. As my title implies, this story is not unique in any way. It's your typical story of boy meets girl, they fall in love, girl leaves boy. Anyways, I will just start from the beginning.As most of you know, I was married, had 2 wonderful children, then divorced in the most horrible way. In fact, ALL of my actual relationships ended in the most horrible ways. What most of you don't know is, while I may be wild and rowdy, and do lots of things to many different women, what I want most is to settle down, and have your normal 2.5 kids white picket fence house with a dog. Yet the women I always seem to end up with are the wild crazy, party your ass off whores. So between that, growing up fat with a face full of zits, not having a father in my life, and having a mad woman for a mother, I have made some really bad choices. Also with that, I have grown very weary to trust, have explosive anger, and tend to push away the ones I love the most. Which brings us to about 2 years ago. After ending a long drawn out difficult custody battle for my kids, being homeless, being rejected by half of my friends at the time, and finally getting back on my feet, I started dating heavily. I met quite a few women in a very short period of time. Then one night I convinced a new one to come over to my place after the kids were in bed for "a movie and some Jack" As Erin started walking through my parking lot and I saw her for the first time, my insides warmed up like it was noon in the middle of summer. I was compelled to hug and touch her from the moment I was close enough to do it. As little as I wanted to admit it at the time, I knew i was already in love. She came in, and we watched the movie, and as she talked I was absolutely mesmerized by her. She had the best stories of a huge complex family, bouncing from Napa, to Oklahoma and back. There was fun, there was problems, there was hate, there was love, and all I could do was sit there and listen to her talk. Now at that time in my life, any woman that would come over would only stay long enough for me to get what I wanted, then she had to go before I was ready to sleep, to ensure the kids would never see, hear, smell, or know she even existed. Erin actually stayed the night. In fact, she never left. For the first time, I felt calm, complete, and totally happy with life. It was as if she filled the huge gaping hole that had been eating away from me my whole life. There has never been anyone, who has been able to calm me, and give me the warm fuzzies like she did. She was the only one that no matter how bad my day was, no matter how much life sucked for me at the time, I knew I could go home to her and everything would be ok. Think of the Tom Petty song here comes my girl. Thats how I felt. For the sake of length and time, I will skip the 80's montogue of us being happy, shoping, doin the kids thing, and birthdays christmas, ect...Now, you are probably thinking, wow that sounds like a great story! Why do you say all those horrible things about boy leaves girl? Which of coarse brings us to the last few months. By this point, we are completly living together. Our Lives are totally intertwined, times are rough, I am working 2 jobs, she is working a job, and watching my kids for me so I can work so much (like all of the time), she is going to school to be a nurse, long story short, we have a lot on our plates. I am never home, she feels stuck raising my kids, she is scared that I will never be able to have kids with her. She has a "friend" screaming negative thoughts into her brain because the "friend" is miserable in her own life. I am focused on earing money and loose sight of the important things in life. I ignored Erin, I ignored my kids, I ignored myself. What is the point of working so much, if you can't enjoy who you are working for? Also, at this point it would be a good idea to go back and see the demons I have been carrying with me and growing through out life. All the hate, the mistrust the anger. Also know, she has her demons too, all to similar to mine.So, now she is gone. There is nothing for me to do. The rest of my life, that I was planning out, marriage, kids, white picket fence, dog in the yard, her a nurse, me back in school, is all gone too now. While nothing bad happened, she never cheated, didn't go on drugs or rob me, this is the worst break up yet. She decided that she would just be happier sleeping on a friends couch, without her dog lost in life, than to deal with my bull shit. Something in her head (or a red headed herpies infested bitch in her ear) over ruled her heart. The preasures of her life overcame the love that we had for each other. Now I am left with only my anger, my hurt, and my demons. Maybe in time, we can both overcome what life has dealt us in our past. Maybe we can both fight off our demons. Grow up, and have the life together that we should have now, but with out her, I don't know if I will have the strength to keep fighting.