PieceOfAdvice's blog: "Captain Black"

Go, Black!! I am the terror that flaps in the night... I am the screeching fingernail on the chalkboard of justice... I am the sourball in the candyjar of goodness... I am the grade curve that gives you an 'F'... I am the fast food that comes back to haunt you... I am the neurosis that requires a $500 an hour shrink... I am the special news bulletin that interrupts your favorite show... I am the wierdo that sits next to you on the bus... I am the wrong number that wakes you at 3 a.m... I am the bug that splatters on your winshield... I am the termite that devours your floorboards.... I am the raspberry seed you can't floss out... I am the onion that stings in your eye.... I am the hairball that clogs your drains... I am the low ratings that cancel your program... I am the auditor that wants to look at your books... I am the itch you cannot reach... I am the smoke that smokes Smoked Oysters... I am the ten dollar service charge on all returned checks... I am the water balloon that lands right on your head... I am the widget missing from the easy to assemble swingset... I am the ingrown toenail on the foot of crime... I am the zit that forms when you got a really big date... I am the cholesterol that clogs your arteries... I am the blown fuse that blacks you out... I am the repairman who tells you your warranty run out... I am the weed wacker in the garden of evil... I am the clock cleaner who will ring your chime (I like this one)... I am the switch that derails your train... I am the surprise in your cereal box ( I like this one too)... I am the chill that runs up your spine (okay, we are officially on a roll now)... I am the pencil that breaks from signing too many autographs... I am the single career man all women want to date (corny)... I am the groundbreaker, down-pounding ground shaker! I am the thunder-maker, underworldly undertaker (Ladies and Gentlemen... we have a winner)!!! I AM CAPTAIN BLACK!!!

"Imagine the nerve of that thief!" said Ralph Jameson. "While we were cleaning up after Thanksgiving dinner, he crept into our bedroom and stole all our antique silver! When we came into the room, the window was open and the silver was gone!" Captain Black leaned out the window to look at the rooftop next door "Most unpleasant, to have this happen on a holiday," the Captain said. "Was the collection valuable?" "Yes, but that's not important," said the weeping Sally Jameson. "I'm worried about our safety. We've been afraid to go out since we discovered this. We just called the police and locked our door." "Maybe we should have a cup of coffee," suggested Black. The three went to the apartment's very clean, very neat kitchen. The Captain threw his chewing gum into an empty garbage can and quietly sipped his coffee. "Tell me, Mr. Jamesone, have you left your apartment today for any reason at all? Even for a brief moment?" "No, we were here all day before dinner, and afterwards we were afraid to go out...." "You haven't fooled me with this silly lie!" the Captain snapped. "Now tell me the truth!" ~How did he know the Jamesons had lied?~

"What an effort!" said Leonard Conroy. "Poor Marty must have done it with his last bit of strength." "Done what?" askde Captain Black. "Tried to get help. As I said, I was driving past the country club. You know, the night was still and hot, I thought I'd cool off in the car. Then I saw the flag. It was flying upside down. THat's the international distress signal, so I stopped. And there was old Marty lying by the flagpole. I called for you first thing." Captain Black examined the body. Marty had been shot once, through the heart. Black stood up. The air was still and hot as he wiped the sweat from his face. It was hot alright -- and there hadn't been a hint of a breeze for three days. "I just don't understand it," said Conroy, shaking his head. Black cut him off. "What I don't understand is why you're lying. You had better tell me the truth about this right now!" ~How did Captain Black know that Conroy was lying?~

"When I heard the shot in the woodshed, I dropped my book and ran right out. It was Ellen. She'd shot herself. I feel awful. I never took her suicide threats seriously," say Roy Wimmer. Captain Black opened the closet door and put his raincoat next to Roy's soaking wet one. Then he put his mud-stained shoes next to Roy's equally stained ones. "Of course, I immediately ran back to the house and called you," Ray said. "Ive been waiting for you here ever since." "That was pretty good, Roy," said the Captain, "except for one mistake. I'm afraid I must arrest you for shooting your wife." ~How could Captain Black say this?~

The dried leaves made crackling sounds under Captain Black's feet as he walked around the yard outside the Mumberson mansion. Finally, he came to an open door. Several police officers were standing there, talking to a young man who held an icebag to his head. "Captain, I'm Mark McLain," the young man said. "I was hired to guard the mansion while the family was away." He looked very upset. "Guess I didn't do such a good job." "Tell me what happened," said the Captain. "I just stepped out into the yard for a moment," said McLain. "The burglar must have crept up on me and knocked me out. Then he took all the valuables in the house. What a bad break for me!" "Almost as bad as that story you told. Arrest him, men! He's lying!" ~Why did the Captain suspect McLain's story?~

"Captain Black!" exclaimed Agatha Tindale. "I called you as soon as I heard the gun go off! I think my husband has killed himself!" Captain Black opened the bedroom door and saw Mr. Tindale lying dead under the covers. A pistol lay by the side of the bed. "You haven't entered this room since you heard the shot?" Black asked. "No, I was too frightened," Agatha answered. "We were all alone in the house when this happened." Captain Black pulled the covers off the body. Mr. Tindale was dressed in pajamas. His hands were by his sides. "A pity," said Captain Black, "for such a fine man to die." "Yes," agreed the weeping wife. "And a pity that I must arrest you for his murder!" ~How did Captain Black know that Agatha had killed her husband?~

The pounding noise of the construction work nearly drowned out Mr. Eaton's words. "Captain, no one but Charlie and myself knew that the payroll would be in this shed. He was counting the money when someone came in, knocked him out, and stole it." Eaton had a paerfect alibi. At the time of the robbery he'd been up on the fortieth floor of the unfinished building, with several witnesses. And Charlie wasn't a suspect -- he was now in the hospital with a cracked skull. "Think back," shouted Black. "Could anyone have heard you talking about the payroll?" "I told Charlie just outside this shed. No one was nearby. There were three workers standing thirty yards away, but they couldn't have heard us above this noise." "Give me their names and bring them over here." The first workman came to the shed. "Mr. Krupp?" said Black. "What?" shouted Krupp. The second workman arrived. "Mr. Skoda?" said Black. "Eh?" shouted Skoda. The third workman came. "Mr. Stenn?" said Black. "I'm Stenn," the worker shouted. "What do you want?" "I want to arrest you for robbery," Black smiled. ~How did the Captain know this was the man?~

Captain Black has been captured by the evil Denny's Servers, led by the dreaded Lord Bobbie. When Black is led before the Server Council, Lord Bobbie offers him a deal. "I'll show you that I'm really not a bad guy," says Bobbie. "I'll give you a sporting chance to escape." He shows Black a box. "Inside, there are two folded pieces of paper. One says 'You Live.' The other says 'You Die.' Pick one of them. You have a 50-50 chance of getting away." Luckily for Captain Black, pirate ears are stronger then Denny's Server ones, for he overhears this whispering going on between Bobie and one of his servers: SERVER: "Gee, boss, are you really going to let him go?" BOBBIE: "Of course not, fool. Both papers are marked, 'You Die!' " ~How does Captain Black escape from the fiendish plot?~

The Denny's Servers have captured Captain Black again, and this time the wicked Lord Bobbie is going to make sure Black doesn't get away. "You've lied to me and tricked me too many times," Bobbie snarls. "But this time, I've got you. We're giving you the Denny's Test of Death:" "If you tell me the truth, you get put in the next Meat Lover's Skillet." "If you tell me a lie, you suffer The Death of Ten Thousand Icecream Flavors." "If you say nothing, you get thrown to the dreaded Denny's Dish Washer." Captain Black thinks for a moment, then tell Bobbie ten words. Because of those ten words, they set him free. ~What did Captain Black say?~

"I could have been killed, Captain Black!" cried Sam Dancer, greatly upset. "My partner left early tonight, and I was closing the disco all alone. Suddenly, this guy came in with a gun! He took our money and then he too a shot at me! Luckily, the bullet just scraped past my arm." Sam showed Captain Black the bandaged flesh wound. "This is where the robbery took place?" the Captain asked. "Yes, Nothing's been touched. I've seen enough detective movies to know that you'd look for clues." Black stood in the middle of the mirrored walls of the dance floor. Each smooth glass surface perfectly reflected the scene of the crime. Then Black turned to Sam. "You left one clue too many, Sam. Or, rather, you didn't leave it. You're lying." ~Why doesn't the Captain believe Sam's story?~