Alternative sexuality + disability= one very, very grouchy me.
So much shit has gone on since last year, it's not even funny. And it's all has affected/is affecting my sex life.
Mike & I stopped going to the local munches when I got sick, before they discovered I needed to have my gall bladder removed. Then our local group disbanded. Finances are always tight around here, and we can't afford to go to Baton Rouge, New Orleans, or Texas to the clubs and groups. And the few lifestylers we knew outside of the group have all either moved, or moved on.
Then the hurricanes hit. My mother had already moved in with us by that time, but Katrina & Rita turned what was supposed to be a temporary situation into a full-time one. And though diabetes took much from my mom, it didn't touch her hearing at all. Kinda hard to have sex, let alone scene, in a small house with a mother who's got hearing that most rescue dogs would envy. Not to mention the son-type person. Kinda hard to pack him off to Mee Maw's house when Mee Maw's living with you. It just put a strain on us all.
Then when Mommy went into the nursing home, it tore me & my siblings up. We still had to do stuff for her, but she couldn't live with us anymore & we all just felt so guilty. That put a lot of strain on everyone. Then when Mommy passed away, nobody felt like having any sort of sex with their partners/spouses, understandably. We were all too busy grieving.
Then Mike went back to college. I was so proud of him! But it took a lot out of him, especially seeing as he was still working full-time, and trying to take care of my health problems and take care of our son. Between his lack of time and my guilt over not being able to be more of a help to him, our sex life suffered yet again.
THEN I got sicker and we found out I had to go on dialysis, just like Mommy. Mike's so frustrated, especially since he's had to drop out of school. I hate being the cause of his worry. Sometimes I wish he and I would never have met, then he could've found a better, healthier woman, one who can cook and clean and be for him what a wife, a true wife and woman is supposed to be for her man. He's taking on so much and I'm terrified that I'll end up running his health down and making him as sick as I am, if not sicker. I'm trying to be upbeat & positive to not put any additional strain on him, but there are times that I've actually thought that maybe if I do die, things'll get easier on him. Maybe if I went away to die so nobody finds my body, he won't have to go through trying to figure out how to pay for my burial. Being bipolar doesn't exactly help. When I hit my depressive phases these thoughts get stronger and it's hard not to follow through. Thank God I'm too lazy to take action on that score.
Ugh, I hate whiny bitches & it seems I've turned into one. Great. I'm just so restless right now. Sex is still good when we have it, but it's scarce. It's been damn near a year since I've been spanked, flogged, or even given a substantial order to follow. Our fire wands are dried up & pretty much useless. Even when we're both in the mood, we don't play because Mike's afraid of hurting me. Mike allows me to play online, but that got so stale ages ago, it's not even close to funny. What's the point of typing out shit that I can't actually DO? I've got a lovely lady online, we've been together almost 3 years now, and she understands what's going on, as she, herself is a switch, has a hard time finding like minds locally, & is going through a lot in her offline life, but I've been stuck in a submissive rut for so long that it's affecting my relationship with her. There are times when she needs her Mistress and I just can't be there for her in that regard. How can I be an effective top when we're both looking for the same thing?
Oi, all this is making my head hurt, which ain't helping seeing that I fell and hit my head yesterday. I should be in bed, but I can't sleep and doc has me on concussion watch any damn way. I think it's a pain pill, then back to bed for me. Who knows, maybe I'll come up with a decent plan of action in my dreams. Or I'll drown in my own drool. Either way, I'll have actually done something productive with my life.
