Friday night, I got a call from my friend Butchie, to see if I wanted to stop by. He had a party raided the week before, and a fridge full of booze, and needed help draining it. Being the fine Christian I am, I went to help him out. He told me that he was behaving, because the week before he was arrested, and had decided to keep a low profile in our small town.
And it worked, for about an hour. By then, Butchie was pretty antsy. We were watching the first season of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and by the end of the second episode, Butchie was ready to go somewhere else. So with $15 dollars in my pocket, we headed to the Coppertop in Cedar Point.
He knew everyone there, and had hopes of using his charm to seduce the bartender. He gambled on two machines, lost a few bucks, struck out with the bartender, and also struck out with a blonde that was there, that he had his eye on for awhile. He did turn down the offer of getting hooked up with what he deemed "the fat friend", and introduced me to the guy he almost killed wrestling around with at his house, and accidentally cut an artery in his arm.
We had a few beers, and Butchie decided that "he was tired of spending money on bitchs that he won't see naked", and decided we needed to go to the LampLighter. So since nobody else wanted to go, away we went.
For the record, Butchie would have been much better off taking the offer of getting hooked up with "the fat friend". She was a bigger girl, who had a really cute face, and great big titties.
So off to the Booby Bar. I would be remiss if I didn't mention that I had hoped Butchie would pass out on the way. I was getting run down, and he was drunk to the point that it was becoming work keeping an eye on him. I'm assuming that stupid things will happen to Butchie because he's drunk, but I'll be God damned if its happening on my watch.
So we get to the Double L, and pay $5 to get in, and immediately Butchie goes to the first girl we see, and tells her she's the most beautiful woman he's ever seen.
If you've never been to the Lampliter, then shame on you. It is a landmark in the area. And a family friend owns it. It's dark, dirty, and every time I walk in there, its like I'm walking back into the 70's because of the decor. BUT, I've never went there and not had fun, and this night was not the exception.
The Lampliter is also the place of the 75% stripper. By that, I mean that 75% of the stripper is hot, but there is a 25% flaw keeping her from dancing at a more high profile club. There were two that were a few years past working at a premier club. One was right on the edge, but she was a little skinny, and her boobs were too small to hit the big time. Three were younger, but the one needed to lose about 15 pounds, the other one needed to do some toning, and the third was naturally curvy, and could have used a little of both, but had a great personality.
So now, I have $10, and Butchie is around $200. We got there at midnite. By the time we left, at 245, I had $5 left, and Butchie was trying to get me to get money from the ATM, because he was broke.
But in that time, He got two lap dances from the beautiful Melissa. She was the one who had no enthusiasm on stage, and could have lost 15 pounds, but the girl had mad moves when interested
At the end of the night, when Butchie yelled "Who Rocks?" everyone in the place yelled "Butchie!"
I saw him offer two of the girls "a good life", because Butchie is "set up". I know this, because he called me over both times to confirm that his family was well off, which I did.
I watched Butchie drink even more, take a pill for his anxiety attacks, and stumble around the bar. He did talk an old man, who was there allegedly for his first time, into buying him a pitcher of beer.
I watched him give the interpretive dancers bills in new and creative ways. He motorboated more than a few of the girls. I saw him out a bill between his teeth, shove his face between a girls legs, and come up dollarless.
We then left during the last dancer, and Butchie peed by the truck, and got in, and passed out. Every 5 minutes or so, he'd wake up, and yell something from "Jumanji", to "I'm hungry". I was going to slip past McDonalds, but he awakened from his stupor to insist we go eat at McDonalds. Simply amazing.
So I leave him in my Smurfmobile, and go to get him food. It was breakfast time, so Sausage McMuffins it was, and a water. When I got to the truck, Butchie was passed out across the front seat of the truck, his face resting where my ass should go. I tried rousing him, and for 5 minutes he didn't get the concept of me sitting there and driving. Finally he understood that we were in the truck, and I couldn't drive with him sitting there. He then rolled down his window, stuck his head out of it, and passed out. He did rouse to eat McMuffin.
We drove home. When we did, I opened my door, to see the sausage and muffin half of the McMuffin sitting on his belly. I grabbed that, walked him to the house, while he proceeded to eat the rest of the McMuffin. I got him to the hallway of his house, he said he was fine, and I closed the door behind me. I did happen to catch him stumble down the hall, and fall when he ran out of wall. His leg moved, so I know he was alive, success for the night.
The next day, around 11ish I get a call from Butchie. Apparantly, somewhere in the process of the evening, he had lost a fake tooth that he had. He wondered if it was in the truck. I said maybe you swallowed it when you ate McDonalds. He said..."When did we go to McDonalds?"
