brown eyed girl's blog: "brown eyed girl's blog"

the hour's just begun to breathe again. after having held its breath for so long. pretending to be unconscious. when really it was only stubborness. dragging the bodies up from your heart to your head. searching inside yourself for some place to bury the dead. there's no war. none that i'm aware of. yet battles are. battles are the only way we connect anymore. there's no bloodshed. no victims. and yet somehow still there are so many casualties. i guess i didn't understand your words. your intent. and i expected more than you were willing to give. if only because. if only because that was what i needed. but i've fallen asleep now. and the dreams have begun. i've closed my eyes. shut down everything. there's nothing left in here to wake up.

your mind doesn't tell you who to love. your heart does. you try not to but souls are connected.. i don't know what's left of us. just a fading sensation of having loved...others say love is bliss.. i say it is cruel... cruel to love someone who doesn't return that love. friends is all you'll ever be... i don't know what constitutes friendship. though we are friends, it sometimes feels like we'd be better off if we weren't. as if alone is a bed that beckons. when i can crawl into it and forget that i ever imagined there could be anything other than.....friends. cause i need to forget. need so much to learn to love this solitude again. it makes me strong when other influences weaken. it's the only constant i can count on, and what's the use in wanting things you can never have. it's not worth the sacrafice. nothing is. none of what i've been left with. i'll love you still. i'll love just as i always have. but i can't do it like this. knowing that you don't feel it. it's so hard, so hard to keep it to myself. to ask, as if i'm that strong. like friends is all we've ever been. like friends are something real. knowing that it's over. knowing that it never really began. just what i wanted. what you thought you had. the edge of a smile with a tear beside. i'm too old now to pretend that what i wanted to matter, actually does. it's too hurtful now to believe that anything that could've meant.. had ever been real. i'm only thinking out loud. never asked. never had any kind of plan. was just trying to walk, but stumbling. falling down. you've no idea what that's like. every step is a decline. every minute promises things it cannot provide. it's just life. how it wishes it could've been. can't blame it. just sit back and watch as the night descends. i'm always wanting, waiting, hoping you will find me. because if i was dead before you came.. along there's no way that you could've made any difference. i'm nothing more than a ghost resisting fate. nothing more than the memory of having lived turning colors again. like so many reruns life does claim.

sickness I lay here quietly on my bed wrapped in my blanket of warmth, my thought are scattered and the feeling of loss surrounds me.. my soul is broken and i feel it tearing inside me.. each rip brings pain,,. the very thing i want...i cannot have.. i cannot hold.. what i would give to be wrapped in the arms that would never let me go...to wrap my arms around the one that is the my love, and know without a doubt there is nothing else.. but life awakes me from my slumber and i'm forced to live broken.. maybe i always have been.. i want to scream.. i want to throw things i want to... FUCK!! it doesn't matter what i want..not here ..not now...it just can not be.. but the pain refuses to leave and i bury myself deeper into the warmth of my bed...each thought sharp..ripping my flesh... an open wound bleeding. this love that is inside me is overwhelming..a sickness i want to throw up.. i fight the sickness but the fear will not leave.. the fear of wanting when i shouldn't...knowing it will only end badly...if it ever really begins..

ask how, as if how cares about you. ask when, certain that she's listening. but they aren't. only the voices in your head. nothing outside of that ever seems to penetrate. you think you felt something, but then you realize you were only dreaming. you think for a moment that shadow was more than just a trick of light. but then it crawls away into the darkness. and you know that it was just teasing you. alluding to a light you'll never know. even steel bridges will give. leaning towers can still lean further yet. i really did think that i'd come to terms with everything that wasn't. it all seemed so obvious. but then it looked at me again. it questioned and i didn't know the answers. it asked for just one reason, but i had none. you can dig your excuses like ditches. til everything is buried. you could i guess. if you had that much stamina. but no matter how much you have, the hollow is stronger yet. it has no one to answer to and so many questions to ask. like the seasons one passes the burden to the next. they share their burdens while we must carry ours alone. they scatter their pain, while ours steadily unfolds. see the storms in the past. and those in the future. a freefall of rain that laughs at the tears we can't cry. life we expect will be unkind, but not people. life we expect to disappoint us, but not friends. life we always suspect of trying to undermine us. all we have is the people who will countermand that. keep your rosebuds. let them bloom. taste the thorns. let them bleed you. it's okay to bleed, but only so much. it's easy to bleed. so inherent to what life has made of us. just be careful. don't let yourself lose too much. just don't let it jeopardize your happinesss. i've been wrong. don't i know it. been a liar on occasion. butterfly lives flutter and cause tornados. maybe when it's calmer then. this flight might fnd its purpose. but until then, remember what you love. and love it. even if it isn't lovable at the moment.

just not one good enough. parcel these moments like packages and ship them off to where they are destined. blink slow and pretend that there are no thoughts in your head. blink slowly and listen to the voice in your head. no story would be complete without a victim. without a hero. and some sort of debaucle. no drama would be true without a tragic mistake. and a lot of bloodshed. it's too dark to see. too cold to listen. too sad to put to pen or pages. i can't date it. i can't mark it. staring at the screen it's all so apparent. every way that the sun did set. every dawn that warned of it. and how friendship quickly turns on zealous hearts. and how love was never something unselfish, but rather the opposite. i think that it had to be. for you. for me. that it was an argument greater than we could arraign. regret asks do i. i don't have an answer yet. what i felt. what i hadn't til then. how could i ever forsake it. was it worth it? are you still so sure? when you must kiss and make up again what visions will be in your thoughts? it won't have to be said. i won't mention. i'll just go back to my old world and continue with these pages. it's not over because it never began. like everything i've ever loved. not taken. just never had.

where are you when so much time to myself makes me reckless and restless. when the words won't quit and my fingers are tired. and i'm wishing that i could pause for a moment. have something else to appease my passions. where is anyone. where have they ever been. no place that i know of. not the darknesss that i've been in. lately time moves so quickly. and i don't understand it. cuz under the circumstances i would expect it to move slowly. but i guess i am different. always have been. it's times of happiness that every hour feels like years. that space between one weekend and the next infinite when there's someone that you miss. but when sadness unfold its musty blanket time speeds up. months expire in minutes. and i go back and read the days trying to remember what was. even still, even with the triggers. it seems all a dream. that i've been sleeping since. nothing seems real. not one single solitairy breath. all the months seemed to expire in only minutes. i don't feel like i've been alive at all. not since.

autumn smiles are softer than summer ones. it makes it easier to say goodbye. like how leaving at just the right moment can leave both of your hearts full of joy for longer you try to recreate that reaction when nothing's happened, but you're only remembering when; you're only wanting what you borrowed to come back and pretend it's yours again. none of this can matter because if it did. well then i'd be so much sadder. so much sadder than i've ever been. hearts keep time, but won't chime like clocks to remind us how much has passed at some point the odometer turns over. goes back. and even though you know you have travelled all that distance. you've no way to prove. and you have to start all over again. i don't have a memory to stamp it with. all those moments evaporate what once was saturated in now is dry as any desert. how the colors turned so suddenly. and everything was barren. i guess it doesn't matter how it began nor how it ended. only what happened in the meanwhile. if only something had.

did i ever tell you i'm broken. that i've always been. but i think moreso now since.... did i ever ask...because i don't think that i ever did.. but that doesn't mean i never wanted. it all feels just like a song now.... lost on the mercy of the wind... hoping foolishly that flight will deliver what it's promised. it's just night now, breathing darkness.. black drums with frail skins, praying they'll hold out, hoping they still know the lyrics. it was a video i saw.. was overcome by.. hungry hearts, hungrier flesh., consumed with. but i felt it true, you must know i did. just that pain isn't the symptom, but rather a particpant. i loved it. you must know that i did. loved it like life ought to be. always knowing it would be rejected. it should've mattered, but it never did. i should've long since accepted, but i'm still working on it. stale bread, empty sandwiches.. they were taken, but never had. not tomorrow. not ever again.. all at once i was both lost and found again..so much a star in the darkness... so fallen. wished upon but never answered.. dreamt then woken.. leave me by myself to drift again....

if i write i write because i feel with no reason. i write because my fingers are eager and my mind is uneasy... with the music loud but not loud enough.. to drown out this person i am... i'm not really sure who i am .. i've become this person i didnt want to be these lonely lips grasping at the sweetness of wanting.. quenching the thirst of passions long gone. lonely as i have been these past years.. i am amazed at how it can go deeper yet it's just another night too much like all those before. it's just another song that isn't quite right. so close, but no, no one knows. how or what or why if i don't remember you now its because someone else has invaded my heart what can it mean.. it makes me sad though knowing it will never be. if love never ends but it changes how do i adjust myself to suit them.. i feel different but the same still.. i stare at the calendar wondering how another day has past. i was so unaware of how or why it must. like those long weekends when everything came undone even though nothing happened he breathed and it filled my lungs with life again. i had lived, but not like this. he touched me and all that dead skin suddenly had living nerve ends. now i fear alone again. am i wrong or am i right? tell me now before i die another time. stop me now before i lose myself

only now how does your heart move? fast and furious or slow and steady. how does it move me. rhythm and rhyme against the backdrop of stolen moments. captured lives pretending cages don't confine. why do i try to be myself when. take the night and challenge its intent. swallow the darkness. lick it like ice cream melting down your wrist. sweet and sticky and so satisfying. mark your pages with footnotes about. as if they can give source. make sense of how. fill my life with something real. something i can truly believe. hold your breath and take your chance on this. in my heart there is no tomorrow. only now.