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Rest in Heavenly Peace
Jamie Spearman aka Sapphire Angel.
A truer soul mate as best friends I'll Forever Miss
As I look back on the previous 19 plus months. I see this wonderful. giving, loving and compassionate , extremly intelligent woman in my life suffer from stage IV Breast Cancer. Though she suffers from this horrible disease, and does what she can to fight it, Chemo numerous months only to find out it's also in her bones so it's incurable. Then to go through weeks of radiation, just when her hair was begining to grow back.
She reflects back on what she could have done to get it early? The constant wonder of : How much time is really left to me. I sit there and see the worry. the what if's, the true loss of what she was then and what shes afraid shes becoming to the family and that one special person in her life. Her Soul Mate.
I can attest to the facts. I've seen her angry, get upset at the drop of a hat, discouraged ,in pain from both the cancer , the nausea where she's just so sick she's unable to keep anything down, the constant fatigue and Say to me: I don't care any more, I just don't want to deal with this any longer. Any of It! Thousands of things traveling through her mind now. She has what's called Chemo Brain. It effects the memory, in most cases the short time memory, in others both. I see this intelligent and sharp witted woman, My true love. suffer in ways that's just seemingly incomprehensable to us men.
I admit I've to been angry. Had fights about things that normally wouldn't even come about at all. I've suffered along with her. Taking her to the Onocologist wondering, if it's more bad new's. Though praying through my silent tears ( I'd never want her to see me cry, for being afraid, she will also break down) or when unable to go, That she's told you everything the doctor has said to her. Is she protecting me? My Feelings? Not wanting me to worry any more then I do now ? And did before this came about? My mind in constant turmoil. What could I as her man done? Why her? Why not someone else? But I stand strong as I may, though many times weak. Weak in a way I've never shown, nor will show her. Especially now. I try to be positive and strong. For her.. But also for Me. This isn't just her disease This effects Us both.
As I said I've dealt with : anger, the uncertainties , difficulties of what could I have done? Shouldn't the lump had been noticed by me? The insecurities of., am I doing enough for her? Have I convinved her enough that this changes nothing in our relationship. We will get through this together. Have I said "I love you" today? Though she knows I do? Am I second guessing myself ?
I'm trying to cope as she is with, what's now a daily part of our lives. I , like her have good and bad days. We gather our strength from one another, and deal with this the best ways we can. One day at a time.
Men in closing I'd like to add ;Don't be afraid to express what you worry about and that this effects Both of you . That You love her, for the woman she is and always will be to You. And You as her Partner, Boyfriend, Husband and all : Stand beside her in this stepping stone of life and You will Never give up.
