jeffintx's blog: "breakup letter"

Happy Mothers day to all the mothers out there. I hope you all have a great day. And if your not a mother, I hope you have a great day with your mom Jeff

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....."

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men >> along the roadside eating grass. >> Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. >> He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" >> "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. >> "We have to eat grass." >> "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the >> lawyer said. >> "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over >> there, under that tree." >> "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. >> Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also." >> The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a >> wife and SIX children with me!" >> "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered They all entered the >> car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine >> was. >> Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, >> "Sir, you are too kind. >> Thank you for taking all of us with you." >> The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. >> You'll really love my place. >> The grass is almost a foot high."

I find it somewhat humorous when people rate photos a 1 or 2. Not that I really give a fuck about myself. I am just a normal guy with average looks. I have met alot of relly incredible looking women on here and there are alot more who are on my friends list that are gorgeous. rating me a 1 doesnt bother me because this isnt a popularity contest for me. its a chance to meet or talk to people from other parts of the country or world. Perhaps someone of my hotties have pissed off some guys who have nothing else in their life but the internet. sorry to all the cool people on here for having this rant. I hope you all have had a great weekend and have a good week ahead....and no this isnt an April fools joke...lol. Jeff

> > What Starts with F and ends with K > > > > A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her > students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" > > > > Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the > 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd > grade too!" > > > > Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. > > > > While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the > principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would > give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was > to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. > > > > Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he > agreed to take the test. > > > > Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" > > > > Harry: "9." > > > > > > Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" > > > > Harry: "36." > > > > And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader > should know. > > > > The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go > to the 3rd grade" > > > > Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." > > > > The principal and Harry both agreed. > > > > Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two > of?" > > > > Harry, after a moment: "Legs." > > > > Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" > > > > The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! > > > > Harry replied: "Pockets." > > > > Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" > > > > Harry: "Pants." > > > > Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, > delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" > > > > Harry: "Coconut." > > > > The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. > > > > Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and > sticky?" > > > > The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the > answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum." > > > > Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down > and a dog does on three legs?" > > > > Harry: "Shake hands." > > > > The principal was trembling. > > > > Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a > lot of heat and excitement?" > > > > Harry: "Firetruck." > > > > The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put > > Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong

<< Tampa flight -- too funny A jumbo jet is just coming into the Tampa Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay". He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Tampa?" "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner..... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night." Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a shit first."

guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird." "Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion." The guy looks at the $2 0000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman." "What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie." "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot. "NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?" "Yes, Then he continued taking off the nightie got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...." Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

Valentine Application!!! Would you make out with me? [] Hell Yeah [] Yes [] No [] Maybe Would you sleep with me? [] In an instant! [] Yes [] No [] Maybe Am I attractive? [] Heck no [] hot as Hell [] Fine [] Cute [] Okay [] Ugly! Do you think I'm a virgin? [] Yes [] No [] Don't know Would you... (Check all that apply) [] Buy me cute underwear? [] Buy me a cute bra? [] Buy me flowers? [] Take me out to dinner? [] Buy me a drink? [] Buy me a thong? [] Get me some chocolates Name one thing you would like to do to me... I look like.. [] A player [] Next bf/gf [] A friend [] A friend with benefits [] A possibility [] A loser If you saw me for the first time would you talk to me? [] Yes [] No [] maybe Would you rather.. ?? [] Hook up with me [] Cuddle with me [] Date me [] Friends [] Friends with benefits [] Have sex On a scale of 1-10 (10 being the highest), rate me.. [] 1 [] 2 [] 3 [] 4 [] 5 [] 6 [] 7 [] 8 [] 9 [] 10 What would you want me to be to you? [] Friend [] Girlfriend/Boyfriend [] Friend with benefits Would you give me a lapdance? [] Hell Yeah [] Yes [] No [] Maybe Would u give me your number? If so let me get it (___)___-____ Are you going to repost this so i can answer for you? [] Yes [] No

http://www.betterloverseminar.com/desi_wife_catches_husband.php

George Carlin's new rules for 2007 New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards. New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some Jack Daniels over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show." New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so w e can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish . I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh, or let your hair grow real long . If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?"