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Well it is nearly the end of 2009, nearly the end of the "Noughties". So many things have changed....it is a little scary to think about what life will be like in another ten years time.
Do you think we will still have seasons? Or will there be seven or eight different ones interchanging continuously? Will the world be colder? warmer? Will we have had another world war? What religion will be the main belief system for the world? Will there still be half as many different types of animals, plants, trees in the world or will they have died off?
And that is just the 'background noise' to most of us....will we be alive in 10 years time? Will we be married? Divorced? Will we have children? Will our children now have graduated and been successful? Will we still be doing the same job that we are doing right now?
Where will we be? Where do we want to be?
I am 26 right now....when I was 16 I never imagined that the next 10 yrs of my life would involve so much. And yet I don't have much to physically show for my journeys. Just scars, strength and memories. Those don't buy you anything in this world.
I can't say that I have been lucky to have met the people I have....as I have had some bad experiences. However, I am extremely lucky to have my family. We are a true family...we may not see each other often, or talk very much...but the moment one of us needs help, we are all there for that person.
I can honestly say I don't regret the choices that I have made in life. Each choice was what I wanted to make at that time based on my feelings and lifestyle then. Each one has helped me become the person I am right now.
I talk to a lot of people online, and apparently I am fun to talk to...personally I don't think so....I am just me. I am extremely sarcastic, can find the nawty in the most innocent of phrases (I'm going for Rank Outsider lol poor Stewart!) and I find it hard to be totally honest about what I am thinking....this so far has taken me 2 days to write! lol.
A little while ago I was asked "If you could go back to yourself at a certain age and give yourself advice, when would you go back to and what would you say?" At the time, I laughed and said...."I'd go back to when I was 16, and first met my soon to be first boyfriend...and tell myself to run the f*ck away!!"
But I have been thinking more about the question, and although the jokey answer is valid (I should have run lol), I actually think I would go back to my first day at Grammar school, age 11, and whisper into my little ear...."Everyone is as scared as you, smile and talk to people...you are interesting".
It may not have worked straight away, but instead of not speaking to anybody for four years and being bullied, I think, with a little bit more self confidence I would have been able to cope better. My parents pulled me from the Grammar school in my fourth year, after I admitted to being really ill and trying to commit suicide.
I went to the local secondary school for my final year and got good qualifications. I have spoken to a few people from my Grammar school since hitting my 20s and was really surprised to find out that most of them thought that I was really strong and just quiet. That I had a whole network of friends in the village I lived in, and was just a bit stuck up.
Those conversations made me realise that over the years, I have built up really high and really strong barriers to people. The emotions and feelings that I thought I couldn't hide were actually completely disguised.
Even last week I had it confirmed to me in a conversation with my Grandfather. We were talking outside in the cold and I made reference to a miscarriage I had when I was 19 with my then fiancé. I was happily chatting away and when I looked at my Grandfather he looked shocked. That was when I realised that he had no idea what I was going on about. For years, I thought all of my family knew every up and down that I had experienced, and they don't. I explained what happened to my Grandfather, and he hugged me, kissed me on the forehead and called me a silly girl for not telling him.
Like I said, we are a real family :-D x
I know what I would like the future to hold for me....a steady job doing something that challenges me and gives me a feeling of accomplishment. My family to be healthy and happy. I would like to meet someone who accepted me for the random, weird, crazy, messy person that I am. I want to have a son and a daughter. For my grandparents to know my children and for my children to have amazing memories of their great grandparents.
I want to be healthy. Not only physically but emotionally. I don’t know if I want to be cured of Diabetes, it has made me who I am and who knows what the future will bring...maybe Diabetics are going to become the only people to survive in a new world. None of us knows what is going to happen. However, I do want to be as healthy as I can be. That means all the limbs I was born with, for them to work up to the moment I die. To not go blind like Elaine.
I want to be rid of the depression that has clouded my thoughts and self esteem for the last fourteen years. And yes, I have been on lots of different tablets...they work...but the moment you stop taking them, you fall back under that cloud. I am sick of that cloud.
I would love to have the confidence to travel the world...I know I am capable of it. I am organised, sensible, and intelligent and I am in no way naive. However, I do not think I would be able to start conversations with people in another country. I would become that cold, distant, independent foreigner and although I would be seeing more of the world, I would become very withdrawn and depressed again. For all those people who read this who have bags of self confidence, this last paragraph won’t make sense. Even to some people who know me, this won’t make sense.
I am not the person everyone thinks that I am. I am very good at pretending. People who have known me during different periods in my life think of me in certain ways. I am the quiet girl with the nawty laugh, I am the bitch who broke their son’s heart, I am the crazy manic girl who didn’t say no to anything, I am the hard worker, I am the carer, I am the step mother, I am the ex girlfriend who you could never see it working with but you still can’t cut all contact off with.
Even the couple of people who have been in my life constantly, don’t know me. They may have a deeper understanding of different parts of my personality but I still keep many things secret from them. Mainly because they are happy thinking they know me, and I don’t want to lose anyone else. So it is easier to pretend.
Isn’t that wrong though? Should there not be at least one person in your life who you can be totally yourself with? I would love to find that person. Someone who would hug me and tell me I am normal, even after they knew all the thoughts in my head.
You may be thinking....a lot of people feel like this....no one is known completely. Everyone has secrets. This is true.
Anyone who has had depression, and then come out from under that big horrible dark grey cloud to see just how ill their thoughts have been, will understand that no matter how many people you have around you, telling you that you are a good person, beautiful, sexy, intelligent....unless you believe it in your head, it is just noise. That you may have your depression completely controlled but you still may have very low self-esteem.
I have had a lot of people tell me very complimentary things during my life....but I always, always have that little voice in my head saying “yeah, but....”. That little voice is destructive.
I broke someone’s heart when I was 20 because I didn’t believe I was a good enough person for him (and yes this is the fiancé and the person I had the miscarriage with). We didn’t talk for a few years and then got back in touch through a mutual friend. He is happy, engaged and a father now. All the things that he wanted with me in the past. A small part of me is jealous that he has been able to find that happiness with someone else, but overall I am happy for him and his fiancée and glad that I made the choice that I did. I was too young at 20 to get married and have a child. Six years later and the thought of being responsible for another human being still scares the absolute hell out of me. 98% of my friends are parents now and most of them are settled in relationships....a fortnight doesn’t go past when there isn’t an engagement announcement or a screaming phone call....”Hun, I’m pregnant!”. I am always so happy for my friends, but do sometimes think....will it ever happen for me?
Am sure that if I talk to someone about this they would say that I need to get out and meet people, join groups that interest me...that way I would meet people with similar interests. I always think....yeah I could do that....but I don’t want to. I am happy right now being chilled. It would be nice to meet other people, but do I really have time or the enthusiasm?
I was told recently, by a net friend, that I think too much and I need to turn my brain off. That made me laugh as he is always talking to me about the most random things. But I understand what he was trying to say.
If you don’t stop over-analyzing events and thoughts, then you will never achieve anything new. Sometimes you have to not think, and just do!
