Maradie xx fuengaged to and rl gf of Pete's blog: "Is it strange...."

Well it is nearly the end of 2009, nearly the end of the "Noughties".  So many things have changed....it is a little scary to think about what life will be like in another ten years time.

Do you think we will still have seasons? Or will there be seven or eight different ones interchanging continuously? Will the world be colder? warmer? Will we have had another world war? What religion will be the main belief system for the world?  Will there still be half as many different types of animals, plants, trees in the world or will they have died off?

And that is just the 'background noise' to most of us....will we be alive in 10 years time? Will we be married? Divorced? Will we have children? Will our children now have graduated and been successful? Will we still be doing the same job that we are doing right now?

Where will we be? Where do we want to be?

I am 26 right now....when I was 16 I never imagined that the next 10 yrs of my life would involve so much.  And yet I don't have much to physically show for my journeys.  Just scars, strength and memories.  Those don't buy you anything in this world.
I can't say that I have been lucky to have met the people I have....as I have had some bad experiences.  However, I am extremely lucky to have my family.  We are a true family...we may not see each other often, or talk very much...but the moment one of us needs help, we are all there for that person.

I can honestly say I don't regret the choices that I have made in life.  Each choice was what I wanted to make at that time based on my feelings and lifestyle then.  Each one has helped me become the person I am right now.

I talk to a lot of people online, and apparently I am fun to talk to...personally I don't think so....I am just me.  I am extremely sarcastic, can find the nawty in the most innocent of phrases (I'm going for Rank Outsider lol poor Stewart!) and I find it hard to be totally honest about what I am thinking....this so far has taken me 2 days to write! lol.

A little while ago I was asked "If you could go back to yourself at a certain age and give yourself advice, when would you go back to and what would you say?"  At the time, I laughed and said...."I'd go back to when I was 16, and first met my soon to be first boyfriend...and tell myself to run the f*ck away!!"
But I have been thinking more about the question, and although the jokey answer is valid (I should have run lol), I actually think I would go back to my first day at Grammar school, age 11, and whisper into my little ear...."Everyone is as scared as you, smile and talk to people...you are interesting".
It may not have worked straight away, but instead of not speaking to anybody for four years and being bullied, I think, with a little bit more self confidence I would have been able to cope better.  My parents pulled me from the Grammar school in my fourth year, after I admitted to being really ill and trying to commit suicide.
I went to the local secondary school for my final year and got good qualifications.  I have spoken to a few people from my Grammar school since hitting my 20s and was really surprised to find out that most of them thought that I was really strong and just quiet.   That I had a whole network of friends in the village I lived in, and was just a bit stuck up. 
Those conversations made me realise that over the years, I have built up really high and really strong barriers to people.  The emotions and feelings that I thought I couldn't hide were actually completely disguised.
Even last week I had it confirmed to me in a conversation with my Grandfather.  We were talking outside in the cold and I made reference to a miscarriage I had when I was 19 with my then fiancé.  I was happily chatting away and when I looked at my Grandfather he looked shocked.  That was when I realised that he had no idea what I was going on about.   For years, I thought all of my family knew every up and down that I had experienced, and they don't.  I explained what happened to my Grandfather, and he hugged me, kissed me on the forehead and called me a silly girl for not telling him. 
Like I said, we are a real family :-D x

I know what I would like the future to hold for me....a steady job doing something that challenges me and gives me a feeling of accomplishment.  My family to be healthy and happy.  I would like to meet someone who accepted me for the random, weird, crazy, messy person that I am.  I want to have a son and a daughter.  For my grandparents to know my children and for my children to have amazing memories of their great grandparents.  
I want to be healthy.  Not only physically but emotionally.  I don’t know if I want to be cured of Diabetes, it has made me who I am and who knows what the future will bring...maybe Diabetics are going to become the only people to survive in a new world.  None of us knows what is going to happen.  However, I do want to be as healthy as I can be.  That means all the limbs I was born with, for them to work up to the moment I die.  To not go blind like Elaine.
I want to be rid of the depression that has clouded my thoughts and self esteem for the last fourteen years.  And yes, I have been on lots of different tablets...they work...but the moment you stop taking them, you fall back under that cloud.  I am sick of that cloud.

I would love to have the confidence to travel the world...I know I am capable of it.  I am organised, sensible, and intelligent and I am in no way naive.  However, I do not think I would be able to start conversations with people in another country.  I would become that cold, distant, independent foreigner and although I would be seeing more of the world, I would become very withdrawn and depressed again.  For all those people who read this who have bags of self confidence, this last paragraph won’t make sense.  Even to some people who know me, this won’t make sense. 

I am not the person everyone thinks that I am.  I am very good at pretending.  People who have known me during different periods in my life think of me in certain ways.  I am the quiet girl with the nawty laugh, I am the bitch who broke their son’s heart, I am the crazy manic girl who didn’t say no to anything, I am the hard worker, I am the carer, I am the step mother, I am the ex girlfriend who you could never see it working with but you still can’t cut all contact off with.  
Even the couple of people who have been in my life constantly, don’t know me.  They may have a deeper understanding of different parts of my personality but I still keep many things secret from them.  Mainly because they are happy thinking they know me, and I don’t want to lose anyone else.  So it is easier to pretend.
Isn’t that wrong though?  Should there not be at least one person in your life who you can be totally yourself with?  I would love to find that person.  Someone who would hug me and tell me I am normal, even after they knew all the thoughts in my head.

You may be thinking....a lot of people feel like this....no one is known completely.  Everyone has secrets.  This is true. 

Anyone who has had depression, and then come out from under that big horrible dark grey cloud to see just how ill their thoughts have been, will understand that no matter how many people you have around you, telling you that you are a good person, beautiful, sexy, intelligent....unless you believe it in your head, it is just noise.  That you may have your depression completely controlled but you still may have very low self-esteem.

I have had a lot of people tell me very complimentary things during my life....but I always, always have that little voice in my head saying “yeah, but....”.  That little voice is destructive. 

I broke someone’s heart when I was 20 because I didn’t believe I was a good enough person for him (and yes this is the fiancé and the person I had the miscarriage with).   We didn’t talk for a few years and then got back in touch through a mutual friend.  He is happy, engaged and a father now.  All the things that he wanted with me in the past.  A small part of me is jealous that he has been able to find that happiness with someone else, but overall I am happy for him and his fiancée and glad that I made the choice that I did.  I was too young at 20 to get married and have a child.  Six years later and the thought of being responsible for another human being still scares the absolute hell out of me.  98% of my friends are parents now and most of them are settled in relationships....a fortnight doesn’t go past when there isn’t an engagement announcement or a screaming phone call....”Hun, I’m pregnant!”.  I am always so happy for my friends, but do sometimes think....will it ever happen for me?

Am sure that if I talk to someone about this they would say that I need to get out and meet people, join groups that interest me...that way I would meet people with similar interests.  I always think....yeah I could do that....but I don’t want to.  I am happy right now being chilled.  It would be nice to meet other people, but do I really have time or the enthusiasm?

I was told recently, by a net friend, that I think too much and I need to turn my brain off.  That made me laugh as he is always talking to me about the most random things.  But I understand what he was trying to say. 

If you don’t stop over-analyzing events and thoughts, then you will never achieve anything new.  Sometimes you have to not think, and just do!

Contrary to what those who choose to persecute or lie about us wish to believe, Wicca is a very peaceful, harmonious and balanced way of thinking and life which promotes oneness with the divine and all which exists.

Wicca is a deep appreciation and awe in watching the sunrise or sunset, the forest in the light of a glowing moon, a meadow enchanted by the first light of day.  It is the morning dew on the petals of a beautiful flower, the gentle caress of a warm summer breeze upon your skin, or the warmth of the summer sun on your face.  Wicca is the fall of colorful autumn leaves, and the softness of winter snow.  It is light, and shadow and all that lies in between.  It is the song of the birds and other creatures of the wild.  It is being in the presence of Mother Earths nature and being humbled in reverence.  When we are in the temple of the Lord and Lady, we are not prone to the arrogance of human technology as they touch our souls.  To be a Witch is to be a healer, a teacher, a seeker, a giver, and a protector of all things.  If this path is yours, may you walk it with honor, light and integrity.

Wicca is a belief system and way of life based upon the reconstruction of pre-Christian traditions originating in Ireland, Scotland, and Wales.  While much of the information of how our ancestors lived, worshiped and believed has been lost due to the efforts of the medieval church to wipe our existence from history, we try to reconstruct those beliefs to the best of our ability with the information that is available.

Thanks to archaeological discoveries, we now have basis to believe that the origins of our belief system can be traced even further back to the Paleolithic peoples who worshipped a Hunter God and a Fertility Goddess.  With the discovery of these cave paintings, estimated to be around 30,000 years old, depicting a man with the head of a stag, and a pregnant woman standing in a circle with eleven other people, it can reasonably be assumed that Witchcraft is one of the oldest belief systems known in the world toady.  These archetypes are clearly recognized by Wiccan as our view of the Goddess and God aspect of the supreme creative force and predate Christianity by roughly 28,000 years making it a mere toddler in the spectrum of time as we know it. 

Witchcraft in ancient history was known as “The Craft of the Wise” because most who followed the path were in tune with the forces of nature, had a knowledge of Herbs and medicines, gave council and were valuable parts of the village and community as Shamanic healers and leaders.  They understood that mankind is not superior to nature, the earth and its creatures but instead we are simply one of the many parts, both seen and unseen that combine to make the whole.  As Chief Seattle said; “We do not own the earth, we are part of it.” These wise people understood that what we take or use, we must return in kind to maintain balance and equilibrium. Clearly, modern man with all his applied learning and technology has forgotten this.  Subsequently, we currently face ecological disaster and eventual extinction because of our hunger for power and a few pieces of gold.

For the past several hundred years, the image of the Witch has been mistakenly associated with evil, heathenism, and unrighteousness.  In my humble opinion, these misconceptions have their origin in a couple of different places.

To begin, the medieval church of the 15th through 18th centuries created these myths to convert the followers of the old nature based religions to the churches way of thinking.  By making the Witch into a diabolical character and turning the old religious deities into devils and demons, the missionaries were able to attach fear to these beliefs which aided in the conversion process.  Secondly, as medical science began to surface, the men who were engaged in these initial studies had a very poor understanding of female physiology, especially in the area of a women’s monthly cycles.  The unknowns in this area played very well with the early churches agenda lending credence to the Witch Hunters claims and authority.  The fledgling medical professions also stood to benefit greatly from this because it took the power of the women healers away giving it to the male physicians transferring the respect and power to them.

Unfortunately these misinformed fears and superstitions have carried forward through the centuries and remain to this day.  This is why many who follow these nature oriented beliefs have adopted the name of Wicca over its true name of Witchcraft to escape the persecution, harassment and misinformation associated with the name of Witchcraft and Witch not to mention the bad publicity the press and Hollywood has given us simply to generate a profit.

What Witchcraft is:
Witchcraft is a spiritual system that fosters the free thought and will of the individual, encourages learning and an understanding of the earth and nature thereby affirming the divinity in all living things.  Most importantly however, it teaches responsibility.  We accept responsibility for our actions and deeds as clearly a result of the choices we make.  We do not blame an exterior entity or being for our shortcomings, weaknesses or mistakes.  If we mess up or do something that brings harm to another, we have no one but ourselves to blame and we must face the consequences resulting from those actions.  No ifs, ands or buts and no whining…

We acknowledge the cycles of nature, the lunar phases and the seasons to celebrate our spirituality and to worship the divine.  It is a belief system that allows the Witch to work with, not in supplication to deities with the intent of living in harmony and achieving balance with all things.

The spells that we do involve healing, love, harmony, wisdom and creativity.  The potions that we stir might be a headache remedy, a cold tonic, or an herbal flea bath for our pets.  We strive to gain knowledge of and use the natural remedies placed on this earth by the divine for our benefit instead of using synthetic drugs unless absolutely necessary.

Wiccan believe that the spirit of the One, Goddess and God exist in all things.  In the trees, rain, flowers, the sea, in each other and all of natures creatures.  This means that we must treat “all things” of the Earth as aspects of the divine.  We attempt to honor and respect life in all its many manifestations both seen and unseen.

Wiccan learn from and revere the gift of nature from divine creation by celebrating the cycles of the sun, moon and seasons.  We search within ourselves for the cycles that correspond to those of the natural world and try to live in harmony with the movement of this universal energy.  Our teachers are the trees, rivers, lakes, meadows, mountains and animals as well as others who have walked this path before us.  This belief creates a reverence and respect for the environment, and all life upon the Earth.

We also revere the spirits of the elements of Earth, Air, Fire and Water which combine to manifest all creation.  From these four elements we obtain insight to the rhythms of nature and understand they are also the rhythms of our own lives.

Because Witches have been persecuted for so many centuries, we believe in religious freedom first!  We do not look at our path as the only way to achieve spirituality, but as one path among many to the same end.  We are not a missionary religion out to convert new members to think the same as we do.  We are willing to share our experience and knowledge with those who seek our wisdom and perspective however.  We believe that anyone who is meant for this path will find it through their own search as the Goddess speaks to each of us in her time and way.  Wiccan practice tolerance and acceptance toward all other religions as long as those faiths do not persecute others or violate the tenant of “Harm None.”

What Witchcraft is not:
More information about Witchcraft is available in the Frequently Asked Questions section, but in the interim, here are the main points.
Witchcraft or Wicca is not a cult.  We do not proclaim ourselves to be spokespersons for the divine or try to get others to follow us as their leaders.

We do not worship Satan or consort with Demons.  Satan is a Christian creation and they can keep him.  We do not need a paranoid creation of supreme evil and eternal damnation to scare us into doing the right thing and helping others.  We choose to do the right thing and love our brothers and sisters because it IS the right thing and it feels good to do it.  I suppose it is a maturity thing.

We do not sacrifice animals or humans because that would violate our basic tenant of “Harm None.” Anyone who does and claims to be a Wiccan or a Witch is lying.

We have no need to steal or control the life force of another to achieve mystical or supernatural powers.  We draw our energy from within, our personal relationship with the divine and nature.

We do not use the forces of nature or the universe to hex or cast spells on others.  Again, “Harm None” is the whole of the law.

Witches have a very strict belief in the Law of Three which states that whatever we send out into our world shall return to us three fold either good or bane.  With this in mind, a “True Witch” would hesitate in doing magick to harm or manipulate another because that boomerang we throw will eventually come back to us much larger and harder then when we threw it.

This is not to say that Witches are perfect, we are human too just like everyone else and make mistakes and errors in judgment.  Just as there are parents who love and nurture their children, there are parents who abuse their children.  As there are many who devote their lives to giving and helping mankind, likewise there are those who devote their lives to taking advantage of and using people for their own gain.  Unfortunately the same flaws in human nature applies to witches too.

Most of us continually strive to consider all potential outcomes of our thoughts and actions pausing to seriously consider the consequences before undertaking a ritual, spell or rite that could go astray.  It is when we follow the path with the love of the Goddess in our hearts and adhere to the basic tenant of the Reed that our works are beneficial and we achieve harmony and balance with all things.

The heart of Wicca is not something summed up into a few short words and can often take on different meaning to each since the Lord and Lady touch us in different ways.  To gain a fuller understanding of the Craft, I urge you visit the other pages on this site as well as following the links to a select group of exceptional Wiccan and Witchcraft sites.  Through the wisdom and words set down through the ages, you will find that you are able to understand the basis of our beliefs and how they may apply to you.  Your inner voice will also quickly let you know if the intent of what you are reading is for superficial purposes to benefit self instead of working to benefit the whole.  Remember to read with your heart, for it is when you see life and the world with your heart and spirit that you truly gain an understanding of what Wicca is.

Blessed Be!

Herne

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Flutterbies and spending hours changing your outfit to choose the first one. That pink glow and the sparkly eyes.

Nervously waiting, imagining the worst thing.....that he will not turn up.

Seeing him walk towards you and those few seconds before he sees you. Watching the smile open up his face as he sees you.

Spending hours talking about everything and nothing, both too aware of time speeding past and wanting to savour every second.

That bitter-sweet goodbye that lasts hours on the doorstep. Watching him drive away and feeling your heart being dragged out of your chest.

These feelings are forgotten once a relationship is 'established', but they are the most amazing feelings in the world.

No-one should forget the flutterbies.First Love