subAngelmyst's blog: "BDSM"

Submissive Etiquette You will always refer to me as Sir. As your immersion progresses, you may wish to refer to me as Master, but I will never require that you do so. In your daily life, you are to both dress and conduct yourself in a manner you believe would be pleasing to me. You are to show kindness and consideration to others routinely. You are never to argue with me, but you are both free and encouraged to express your thoughts and feelings. It is my role to instruct you and your role to submit to my instruction. Your behavior is to always conform to your role. The Six Basic Skills of True Submission You are to review these six basic skills closely and strive to put them into practice as best as you are able. These form the bedrock of your submissive experience. 1. Honesty: Without honesty, there can be no trust. Without trust, true D/s cannot exist. You must pledge yourself to be purely honest with me in every conceivable way, as I must pledge the same to you. If you have questions about what I expect of you, be honest and speak up. There is nothing wrong with asking questions respectfully, and is much preferable to remaining ignorant. If you are asked to do something which you somehow are just plain unable to do, it is vitally important that you tell me, as opposed to lying to me. 2. Submissiveness: You are here to learn to submit. You have petitioned me to accept power over you, and I have accepted. You are to be polite, compliant, and to show me the respect I have earned. You are to strive daily to make your submission to me total, complete, and pure. 3. Intelligence: Your petition was accepted because you are an intelligent woman. I expect your intelligence to act as the engine that drives your submissive development. 4. Devotion: You must always exhibit deep devotion, both to me as your Dominant and to the promises you made in your contract. You are to be attentive to my every nuance and sensitive to my mood. If I have to tell you two times that you are to do something a specific way, it gives me the impression that you are not thinking, or just don't care. This is not at all pleasing. Put some thought and creativity into your service. Listen when I tell you my hopes and dreams, and try to fulfill my desires. Be observant and respond quickly when I ask you for your thoughts or feelings. 5. Communication: Dominants are not psychics. While I try my best to be sensitive to your needs, I cannot read your mind. I would much rather have you tell me your fantasies so I put that information to use when I choose, than have to guess. I don't like to play with subs that constantly say "Whatever pleases you, Sir". If you are not enjoying it, chances are I won't be enjoying it, either. Respond quickly when I ask you for your thoughts or feelings, and commit yourself to never keeping anything from me. 6: Self Respect. Value yourself, and I will value you too. There is no thrill in dominating a doormat, or someone that thinks so little of themselves they will submit to anyone at anytime.

BDSM and a Vanilla Marriage a balancing act my name is ann. i am 31 years old, and i have been married ten years to a man who, to put it simply, thinks it's kinky sex if the lights are left on. In my heart, i have always known that i am a submissive, longing in my heart for my Master. i have shared some of my fantasies of BDSM with my husband, and i will admit that he has tried to please me a few times, but he makes it so obvious with his behavior that he does not approve of or enjoy BDSM, that he robs from me any pleasure that i might have found. So, being the sensible woman that i am, i tried to shut away that part of my heart that cried in the night, needing a Master. Luckily for my sanity, i discovered the cyber-world of BDSM. my first forays into what the internet offered led me to sites with a lot of pictures, and a little information. Then, as i found myself being turned on by things i had never thought of, i began to search deeper, looking for more information. i will admit that some of the information i found took things to an extreme that i was uncomfortable with. i happened across this web site, and the offer intrigued me... i could train to become the submissive my soul longed to be... Knowing the dangers lurking out on the web, i considered this web site for many days before mustering up the courage to write an email expressing interest to Sir. i would be lying to you if i said that the problems in my marriage disappeared as i started my quadrant training. Far from it, in fact. But, like most marriages today, our marriage is a tenuous relationship. Some days, i struggle against the urge to pack it in and walk away, but i haven't left yet. Why, you ask? After careful consideration and much intropection, for the simple reason that, somewhere deep down in my heart, i do love him still. Saying that does not mean that i won't walk away tomorrow, however. Balancing my need for submission with a Vanilla marriage is just as difficult as any working woman who balances a career with trying to raise a family. It will never be easy, but the rewards can be worth the trouble and aggravation. In fact, the easiest thing in the world for me to do would be to throw up my hands and walk away, telling you that you cannot balance BDSM and Vanilla, that there is just no way it will work. It can work, if you are willing to make the effort. But the decision whether or not it's worth the effort can only be made within your own heart. No one, not even your spouse, knows where you are in your life besides you. my advice would be to go slow, to do what your heart guides you to. The ability to make the right decision will still be there tomorrow, but the opportunity to correct today's hastily made decision might not be.

SUBMISSIVE REBOUND Submissive Rebound is a reaction that occurs in most submissives at some point in their relationship with a Dominant. It manifests in feelings of depression, heightened anxiety and a sensation of 'distance' between the submissive and the Dominant. Submissive Rebound is often called sub-drop. Submissives often focus a high level of energy and attention on every nuance of the interaction between themselves and their Dominant. This focus can be so strong that the submissives perceptions of external reality will blur. Some submissives 'feel' that they pour themselves so deeply into a Dominant that to some extent they 'become' part of the Dominant. An extension of their presence. When that presence is withdrawn the submissive can begin to manifest strong symptoms of withdrawal. This withdrawal can be complicated by other divisive feelings and emotions. Some submissives believe that their actions, feelings and desires are 'sinful' or in direct opposition to the moral or religious code under which they were raised. They may believe that being submissive is a failure of something inside of themselves. They may believe that their joy in being submissive deserves to be punished in some obscure way. A submissive cannot truthfully divorce their past or their upbringing. At best they process the conflicting opinions or beliefs and find ways to manage or reconcile those opinions with what they personally believe to be their truth. The process of reconciliation and self acceptance often takes many years before the submissive is at peace with who and what they are. That process requires the setting aside of long held beliefs and the integration of new ways of thinking and living. It is not a process that can be rushed or assumed in a matter of weeks or months. An intense scene or interaction with their Dominant will often expose the submissive emotionally. They will know that they have revealed their 'sinful' nature and desires not only to the Dominant but especially to themselves. In addition many submissives experience various levels of space or reality detachment when in the presence of their Dominant. This detachment acts to insulate the submissive from the acts or actions which they are engaged in during the scene itself. When that layer of protection is removed, the submissive must reconcile their actions in the bald glare of realities unflinching light. As the blood chemistries produced during scene fade the physical and emotional 'highs' plunge, the mental and emotional freedoms seem to vanish and the submissive returns to their balancing act between the socially acceptable vanilla world that they must live and work in and their involvement in this reprehensible new lifestyle. If the Dominant has 'extended' or 'stretched' the submissives physical or mental limits during the scene, the submissive 'may' feel a sense of violation during this rebound period. Crossing thresholds exposes new information to the submissive, sometimes this can include childhood memories or experiences that were abusive, frightening or painful. The submissive may feel sensations of intense anger at their Dominant especially if the Dominant is not physically available for extensive aftercare during rebound. The submissive may want to cling to the Dominant, return to that safe place within their presence and in the same exact moment want to punish the Dominant for taking them into this internal place of personal vulnerability. The emotional highs and lows will wash through the submissive in waves. Generally these sensations are the most intense when the submissive bottoms out or at that point when the blood chemistries drop to below the normal level. This often is within 48 hours of scene. The submissives sensations of loneliness, abandonment or being discarded by the Dominant will be at their peak. They may view the Dominants absence as a reflection of that Dominants 'true' opinion of them, their sinful actions, their real worth or value. It is common for many submissives to mentally and physically punish themselves during this bottoming out period. They sometimes convince themselves that it is 'better' for their Dominant if they aren't around. They may take actions which they know will disappoint, inflame or anger their Dominant. All for the 'good' of their Dominant. They will 'decide' that their Dominant will be better off without them. These are just some of the things that are part of submissive rebound. It is important for a Dominant to recognize the personal triggers unique to their own submissive and pre-guess the onset of a serious bottoming out. The level of fragility or susceptibility of a submissive to rebound is unique to the individual. The very best way to ease a submissive is to simply be there. If you cannot be physically available for your submissive for extensive aftercare then do not engage in the type of scene which may require that level of aftercare. It is part of a Dominants responsibility to protect the emotional stability of their submissive and not to leave them in a state of intense emotional upheaval. It is equally important for a submissive to prepare themselves for the possibility of bottoming out and to take an active role in creating support systems for themselves should rebound occur. When a submissive begins to level out these sensations and feelings will subside and diminish. When the blood chemistries rebuild to a 'normal' level the submissive will 'feel' better. This is where they rebound or come back from bottoming out. Their ability to rationalize will tend to improve markedly often leaving them troubled by their actions. They may feel very confused by the complexities of what has occurred and their response to it. When a submissive reaches this point it is important for them to express their feelings. To allow their energy to flow out and 'clear'. It is at this time that some submissives see into their own memories with a new clarity. Sharing their experiences and releasing old angers can lead to an even closer bonding to their Dominant along with a deeper understanding of themselves.

Submissive BDSM Play Partner Checklist by Tammad Rimilia This checklist should be filled out by a Sub and provided to their Dom/Top before playing with them. This will provide a quick "head-start" to identifying limits, negotiating and finding common ground for play. Dominants may wish to work through the checklist, to get a better handle on their specific interests. Switches should go through the checklist twice; one persons Dom and Sub interests may be very different. For each item, you need to provide two answers: For experience, write YES or NO next to each item to indicate if you have ever DONE that activity. Mark N/A if it does not apply to your gender. For willingness, indicate for each item how you feel about DOING that activity by rating it on a scale of NO or Zero to 5. "?" means you don't understand what the item is attempting to describe. NO means you will NOT do that item under any circumstances (a hard limit). 0 (zero) indicates you have utterly no desire to do that activity and don't like doing it (in fact, may loath it) and would ordinarily object to doing it, but you would permit the Dominant to do it if it they really wanted it. (sometimes called a "soft limit"). 1 means you don't want to do or like to do this activity, but wouldn't object if it was asked of you. 2 means you are willing to do this activity, but it has no special appeal for you. 3 means you usually like doing this activity, at least on an irregular/ occasional basis. 4 means you like doing this activity, and would like to experience it on a regular basis. 5 means the activity is a wild turn-on for you, and you would like it as often as possible. Mark with an asterisk (*) those items which you are willing to do only with your current sex partner(s), but not with casual play-partners. Note any additional information or nuances which might be important for your Dom to know in the margin to the right. For example under diapers you might wish to distinguish between "wetting" and "soiling". There is intentionally some overlap between categories. Unless otherwise stated, the Sub is the recipient/target of the activity. Experience, Willingness Notes & Nuances yes/no, NO or 0-5 Abrasion Age play Anal sex Anal plugs (small) Anal plugs (large) Anal plug (public, under clothes) Animal roles Arm & leg sleeves (armbinders) Aromas Asphyxiation Auctioned for charity Ball stretching Bathroom use control Beastiality Beating (soft) Beating (hard) Blindfolds Being serviced (sexual) Being bitten Boot worship Bondage (light) Bondage (heavy) Bondage (multi-day) Bondage (public, under clothing) Branding Breast/chest bondage Breast whipping Breath control Brown showers (scat) Bruises Cages (locked inside of) Caning Castration fantasy Catheterization Cattle prod (electrical toy) Cells/Closets (locked inside of) Chains Chamber-pot use Chastity belts (short term) Chastity belts (multi-day) Chauffeuring (driving) Choking Chores (domestic service) Clothespins Cock rings/straps Cock worship Collars (worn in private) Collars (worn in public) Competitions (with other Subs) Corsets (wearing casually) Corsets (trained waist reduction) Cross-dressing Cuffs (leather) Cuffs (metal) Cutting Diapers (wearing) Diapers (wetting) Diapers (soiling) Dilation Dildoes Double penetration Electricity Enemas (for cleansing) Enemas (retention/punishment) Enforced chastity Erotic dance (for audience) Examinations (physical) Exercise (forced/required) Exhibitionism (friends) Exhibitionism (strangers) Eye contact restrictions Face slapping Fantasy abandonment Fantasy rape Fantasy gang-rape Fear (being scared) Fisting (anal) Fisting (vaginal) Flame play Following orders Food play (cucumbers, sorbet...) Foot worship Forced bedwetting Forced dressing Forced eating Forced homosexuality Forced heterosexuality Forced masturbation Forced nudity (private) Forced nudity (around others) Forced servitude Forced smoking Full head hoods Gags (cloth) Gags (inflatable) Gags (phallic) Gags (rubber) Gags (tape) Gas masks Gates of Hell (male) Genital sex Given away to another Dom (temp) Given away to another Dom (perm) Golden showers Gun play Hairbrush spankings Hair pulling Hand jobs (giving) Hand jobs (receiving) Harems (serving w/other subs) Harnessing (leather) Harnessing (rope) Having food chosen for you Having clothing chosen for you Head (give fellatio/cunnilingus) Head (recv fellatio/cunnilingus) High heel wearing High heel worship Homage with tongue (non-sexual) Hoods Hot oils (on genitals) Hot waxing Housework (doing) Human puppy dog Humiliation (private) Humiliation (public) Hypnotism Ice cubes Immobilization Infantilism Initiation rites Injections Intricate (Japanese) rope bondage Interrogations Kidnaping Kneeling Knife play Leather clothing Leather restraints Lectures for misbehavior Licking (non-sexual) Lingerie (wearing) Manacles & Irons Manicures (giving) Massage (giving) Massage (receiving) Medical scenes Modeling for erotic photos Mouth bits Mummification Name change (for scene) Name change (legal, permanent) Nipple clamps Nipple rings (piercings) Nipple play/"torture" Nipple weights Oral/anal play (rimming) Over-the-knee spanking Orgasm denial Orgasm control Outdoor scenes Outdoor sex Pain (mild) Pain (medium) Pain (severe) Persona training (in scene) Personality modification (RL) Phone sex (serving Dom) Phone sex (serving Dom's friends) Phone sex (commercial provider) Piercing (temporary, play-pierce) Piercing (permanent) Plastic surgery Prison scenes Prostitution (public pretense) Prostitution (actual) Pony slave Public exposure Punishment Scene Pussy/cock whipping Pussy worship Riding crops Riding the "horse" (crotch torture) Rituals Religious scenes Restrictive rules on behavior Rubber/latex clothing Rope body harness Saran wrapping Scarification Scratching - getting Scratching - giving Sensory deprivation Serving Serving as art Serving as ashtray Serving as furniture Serving as a maid Serving as toilet (urine) Serving as toilet (feces) Serving as waitress/waiter Serving orally (sexual) Serving other doms (supervised) Serving other doms (unsupervised) Sexual deprivation (short term) Sexual deprivation (long term) Shaving (body hair) Shaving (genital hair) Shaving (head hair) Skinny-dipping Sleep deprivation Sleepsacks Slutty clothing (private) Slutty clothing (public) Spandex clothing Spanking Speech restrictions (when, what) Speculums (Anal) Speculums (vaginal) Spitting Spreader bars Standing in corner Stocks Straight jackets Strap-on-dildos (sucking on) Strap-on-dildos (penetrated by) Strap-on-dildos (wearing) Strapping (full body beating) Suspension (upright) Suspension (inverted) Suspension (horizontal) Supplying new partners for Dom Swallowing feces Swallowing semen Swallowing urine Swapping (with one other couple) Swinging (multiple couples) Tampon Training (in ass) Tattooing Teasing TENS Unit (electrical toy) Thumbcuffs (metal) Tickling Triple penetration Urethral Sounds (metal rods) Uniforms Including others Vaginal dildo Verbal humiliation Vibrator on genitals Violet Wand (electrical toy) Voyeurism (watching others) Voyeurism (your Dom w/others) Video (watching others) Video (recordings of you) Water torture Waxing (hair removal) Wearing symbolic jewelry Weight gain (forced) Weight loss (forced) Whipping Wooden paddles Wrestling -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Willingness quick-key: ? Don't understand this item. * I will do with current sex partner only. NO I WILL NOT DO that item under ANY circumstances (a hard limit). 0 No desire, don't like, will permit if special to Dom (a soft limit). 1 Don't want to do, but will. 2 Willing to do, but has no special appeal. 3 Usually LIKE doing, on an irregular/ occasional basis. 4 LIKE doing, would like it on a regular basis. 5 WILD TURN-ON, would like it as often as possible. I started in 1996 with a much smaller checklist which I found at the marvelous SFPSE site http://www.sexuality.org/ftpsite.html at The University of Washington, specifically http://www.sexuality.org/l/bdsm/checklst.txt , and then greatly expanded. I hope you find this enlarged version useful. I'm delighted that SFPSE at UW has accepted back my contribution of an intermediate version of my enlarged edition, so my version is now the "standard" one. A little detective-work turned up that the original checklist was written by "Jill M", who has granted me permission to enhance and share it with everyone; I am indebted to her for originating this useful resource. I have placed this document into the public domain, distribution unlimited. Please feel free to share it with friends, mailing lists, etc. If you make a copy, a link back to this page is always appreciated. The master copy can be found at Tammads Site.

BDSM-Fetish-Kink Checklist Here's how to use this checklist. For each question below just put a number from one to six (1-6) in the box to indicate your response based on this scale: 1. This is something I really do like/want. 2. This is fun, I like this. 3. I'm not sure, let's try it out. 4. I'm not really into this, but if it turns my partner on I don't object. 5. This will turn me off, I don't like this. 6. This is an absolute no go. Take your time for this and consider each question, situation or indication carefully before answering. Are there any specific types of people that turn you on? [ ] Soldiers, marines, paratroopers [ ] Sailors, coast guard, merchant marine [ ] Airmen, pilots [ ] Policemen, security people [ ] Truck drivers [ ] Firemen [ ] Executioners [ ] Nurses, doctors [ ] Prostitutes, tramps [ ] Hunters [ ] Wrestlers [ ] Surfers, life guards [ ] Motorcycle people, Hells Angels [ ] Cowboys, farm boys [ ] Gentlemen, nobility [ ] Business people, yuppies, managers [ ] Servants [ ] Teachers [ ] Daddy, uncle Others, please specify: ___________________________________ Which of the following scenes would turn you on? [ ] Having a romantic dinner by candlelight [ ] I am spanked because I have been a naughty girl [ ] I am in the woods and suddenly this man comes from behind and grabs me [ ] A stranger walks into my bedroom and finds me playing with myself [ ] My partner and I are making love in a public place [ ] I am are sold on a slave market [ ] I am used as a slave in public [ ] I am used as a slave in private [ ] I am ordered to please others [ ] I am a little schoolgirl [ ] I am sitting/kneeling at my Master's feet [ ] I am are tied and teased [ ] I am grabbed by the hair and dragged into the bedroom [ ] I am used as a dog, pony or pet [ ] I am verbally humiliated [ ] I am tied, gagged and blindfolded and left alone [ ] I am tied, gagged, blindfolded and thoroughly whipped [ ] My physical limits are tested and stretched [ ] My mental limits are tested and stretched [ ] I have to sign a contract [ ] I am a total slave every day of the week Others, please specify: ___________________________________ Is there any particular clothing or fabric that turns you on? [ ] Leather [ ] Rubber, latex [ ] Patent leather, PVC [ ] Sexy lingerie [ ] Uniforms [ ] Denim [ ] High Heels [ ] Boots [ ] Wet suits [ ] Servants uniform [ ] Masks Others, please specify: ___________________________________ Do any of the following environments or scenery turn you on? [ ] Your bedroom [ ] A dungeon, castle [ ] Churches and abbeys [ ] Farms and stables [ ] Barracks [ ] Abandoned construction sites [ ] Back alleys [ ] The red light district [ ] A school or a classroom [ ] BDSM-clubs [ ] Estates [ ] Junkyards and car dumps [ ] Woods and forests [ ] Medieval scenery [ ] Nudist beaches [ ] Parking spaces [ ] Truck stops [ ] The bath room [ ] Hospital, dentist [ ] Interrogation room [ ] The shrink's couch [ ] Boot camp [ ] Jail, police station Others, please specify: ___________________________________ I enjoy the following psychodrama(s): [ ] The dominant talks, the submissive is silent or speaks only when spoken to [ ] Dialogue in normal language [ ] Dialogue in adapted language ("Master" and "slave") [ ] Obey rules or else [ ] Reasonable rules [ ] Unreasonable rules [ ] It is OK for the dominant to loose his temper [ ] Swearing and filthy talk [ ] Military/jail type commands [ ] Strict training [ ] Obvious and explicit role play [ ] Subtle role play [ ] I like to be persuaded, rather than commanded [ ] Make me feel guilty [ ] Make me feel cheap [ ] Make me feel used [ ] Make me feel owned [ ] Make me feel useless [ ] Objectify me [ ] The dominant must have compassion [ ] The dominant must have no compassion at all [ ] The dominant must only have compassion after the scene Others, please specify: ___________________________________ Sex and sexuality [ ] I need to be sexually aroused when in scene [ ] I need to be sexually aroused before I enter into a scene [ ] I like as many orgasms as I can get [ ] An orgasm turns me off [ ] An orgasm must only be allowed as a reward [ ] An orgasm is a must to end the scene [ ] Orgasms are not important, but nice [ ] Orgasms are not important at all [ ] I want to beg for an orgasm first [ ] I want my sexual abilities to be stretched [ ] I want/need sex during a scene [ ] I want no sex during a scene [ ] Sex should be used to relieve the tension Others, please specify: ___________________________________ I love the following attributes [ ] Ropes [ ] Leather cuffs and belts [ ] Steel cuffs and chains [ ] Ball and chain [ ] Blindfold [ ] Gags [ ] Masks [ ] Nipple clamps and clothespins [ ] Whips [ ] Riding crops [ ] Canes [ ] Silk to be tied with [ ] Sex toys (vibrators, butt plugs) [ ] Needles and pins [ ] Cross, rack [ ] Bondage table [ ] Cage [ ] Sling [ ] Body bag Others, please specify: ___________________________________ The following scenes appeal to me: [ ] Being tied up, caressed and loved [ ] Being in a public place and dominated in a subtle way [ ] Being taken out with collar and leash [ ] Being locked up and left alone [ ] Being tied up in a comfortable position [ ] Being tied up in discomfort [ ] Being tied up and (in a sexual way) exposed [ ] Being tied up and tickled [ ] Being tied up and (sexually) teased [ ] Being tied up and whipped, flogged or caned [ ] Not being tied up, but verbally commanded into certain positions and having to maintain these [ ] Caned, flogged or whipped without being tied or cuffed [ ] Being spanked in the traditional way [ ] Rough sex/being "raped" [ ] Used as a servant [ ] Being tied and tortured [ ] Being tortured without being tied or cuffed [ ] Being used by more than one dominant [ ] Playing in combination with other couples Others, please specify: ___________________________________ Safe words and signals [ ] The dominant should establish one or more safe words [ ] When I cry, the scene should stop [ ] I should be able to communicate in plain language [ ] The dominant should be able to read my body language [ ] I want to be tested when I use a safe word or signal [ ] All activity should stop immediately when I use a safe word or signal [ ] I do not want to use any safe word at all and my signals should be ignored completely [ ] When I use a safe word or signal the dominant should establish if the scene can continue [ ] A scene should go on up to the point where I use a safe word or signal [ ] The use of safe words and signals should be avoided as much as possible Others, please specify: ___________________________________ To me erotic power exchange is: [ ] Something I like incidentally, just as a kick [ ] Something I like, but not too often [ ] Something I want as much as possible [ ] A lifestyle that I consider important and want to practice as much as possible [ ] A lifestyle that should be present at all times [ ] My way of life [ ] The most important thing I can think of [ ] Something I want exercised at all times and no matter what the consequences are. Others, please specify:

OMG men drive me crazy!!!!!! Maybe I should just jump the fence lmao!

i long to feel your hand through my hair To feel your touch upon my flesh To hear you say that i am yours These are my desires My dreams To feel that one simple Item being placed around My neck The small symbol that Say i am yours Your happiness is All that matters to me To know that i belong By your side To serve you To bring you true Pleasure Will the day come? When you call me Yours i shall one day Find the happiness That I so desperately seek I believe that i have found It by your side To be your Property by kat 2007

Bruising Some Tips on Preventing Bruises And Ways to Help Them Heal A Saapbox Speech by jade ************************************************** Black and Blue Blues Another question we've been asked from time to time is "How can I keep from bruising my submissive? Even very light play leaves tell-tale marks," Let's face it. Our lifestyle can lead to activities that leave marks, mainly bruises. Some people can play pretty rough and seldom leave behind evidence of their activities but there are others who get up in the morning after even a light session of spanking or a delightful encounter with the softest flogger and find their body covered with bruises of various shades. This can be a very serious situation if you end up in an emergency room for a non-related injury or illness and the attending physician notices these marks. More than one dominant and submissive have been questioned by the local authorities concerning possible abuse and stammered their way though an embarrassing explanation of the source of the suspect injuries. You may not be able to stop bruising completely, but you can reduce the risks and speed up the healing process when it does occur. What is a bruise and what causes it? A bruise is a hemorrhage under the skin that occurs as a result of trauma to the skin itself or the underlying tissue. Small capillaries burst and blood seeps beneath the skin or layers of tissue and cause discoloration. Most bruises are not serious and look much worse than the actual injury but there can be complications from some. A bruise the is deep, swells or feels hot might be something more than just a minor black and blue spot. Heavy bruising can leave clots that can cause some very serious health risks. If there is swelling, fever or pain, you need to consult a physician. (Notice I said PAIN and not just minor discomfort.) In our lifestyle there are several things that tend to produce the worst bruising. Using narrow implements such as canes, crops or thin paddles greatly increase the possibility of marking the submissive noticeably. The narrower the object, the greater the risk of bruising or breaking the skin. Using excessive force, repeatedly striking the same area, striking areas that are tightly bound and the area of the body struck are all factors that lead to serious bruises. There are also health issues and physical conditions that lend to the intensity of the bruising as well. Some ways to reduce the chances of bruising. Do not strike areas that are bound Bondage reduces the circulation and aids in producing bruises and marks. The vessels are usually engorged with blood due to the restriction of the flow of blood and are more likely to burst or leak when injured. The blood released from a broken vessel cannot dissipate and coagulates in one spot making for some very nasty bruises. This also contributes to the formation of clots that are a serious risk to the injured person. Use leather restraints, such as cuffs, instead of rope. Using broad, flat retraints as opposed to rope, narrow straps or chains, reduces the restriction of blood flow and thus reduces the chances of bruising. Do not strike the same area of the body repeatedly. Scatter your strokes over a wider area and avoid overlapping when possible. Repeated swats on the same area also leads to a condition known as "leather bottom", where the skin becomes tough and wrinkled like old, weathered leather. This is caused by the breakdown of the soft tissue beneath the skin and scar tissue builds up a thick, unattractive layer of rough fibers that replace the normally smooth connective tissues. Concentrate the swats to well padded areas. Skin over well muscled, harder areas of the body, such as thighs and upper arms, tend to bruise more readily than areas that are padded by layers of fat, such as the buttocks. (Just a reminder: Never strike areas that have bone laying close to the surface, such as the spine, joints, shins or forearms.) Health factors that can increase bruising. There are several things that can raise the potential for bruises. Certain medications cause the body to bruise much easier, among them are blood thinners, medications for hypertension, certain antidepressants or aspirins, to name just a few. Anyone who is on any kind of medication and notices that they have more than the usual amount of bruising should make it a point to discuss this with their doctor immediately. BDSM activities are supposed to be enjoyable, not life threatening. Drinking and smoking also affect how resistant to bruising your body is. Smokers and drinkers suffer a much greater incidence of bruising than those who do not partake. The drugs present in cigarettes and alcohol restrict the circulation and weaken the walls of blood vessels. If you want to really play rough, you just might have to give up a few other vices. Undiagnosed illnesses can also cause excessive bruising. It's a wise idea to have a complete physical before engaging in any heavy BDSM activities and a yearly check up should be part of any concerned person's regular routine. Other ways to reduce bruising. There are some medical ways to help prevent or reduce bruises. One way is to be sure that you are eating a well balanced diet. Lack of certain vitamins limits the body's natural resistance to bruising. Bioflavonoids and vitamin C are important to maintain the strength and integrity of blood vessel walls. When there is a deficiency, the smallest blood vessels, capillaries, will break easily and small amounts of blood will leak into the surrounding tissues. Taking a good multi-vitamin supplement will help and make sure it contains the major B vitamins, like B-1, B-2, B-3, B-6; 300 mg of magnesium, and 1-3 grams of C per day. Some people opt to take up to 500mg of vitamin C to help reduce bruising and possibly help in preventing colds. Vitamin K is also very beneficial but be sure to check on the correct dosage for you before taking anything. Helping the healing process. OK. You played too rough and now you've got marks that you'd like to get rid of. There are things that can help a little but remember that bruises are going to take time to fade, no matter what you do. Here are a few things that might speed your recovery. Use the R.I.C.E. method. Remember the first letters of RICE....rest, ice, compression, and elevation. Rest the area--No more paddlings for awhile. Use ice on the site for 20 minutes at at time. Compress the area with cold compresses. Elevate the site if possible. (If the site is your backside, this might prove interesting *eg*) Use lotion on the area. Aloe lotion is excellent. There's also an ointment available in health stores called "Arnica" that I've heard works wonders. I personally haven't seen it used so I can't say. There are several different lotions and balms that are recommended in most "scene" stores and health stores. Do NOT massage the area. This could trigger another bleed. Gently smooth the lotion without adding any pressure. Try Vitamin E or Vitamin K oil. There are lotions available with these vitamins added to them or you can buy the capsules and put the contents directly on the injured site without pressing on the bruise or using excessive rubbing. Soak the area. Long soaks in the tub with bath salts, Epsom salts or oils aid in fading bruises and marks. Vary the water temperature from cool to warm...but never hot. The heat could allow the capillaries to begin bleeding again. Summing it up. The best treatment is prevention. Not causing excessive bruising is much easier then trying to get rid of it. Opt to use soft toys made of leather rather than wooden paddles or canes. Be aware that certain skin types tend to mark easier than others. Blondes and redheads seem to be more likely to produce bruises than dark-haired, olive-skinned people. Keeping fit helps. Get lots of exercise, enough sleep and limit tobacco, alcohol and stimulants. Drugs are a NO NO in our lifestyle and for anyone with a brain. Try mixing activities and not relying to heavily on those that involve damaging the skin or underlying tissue. Use some restraint when the juices are flowing by reminding ourselves that we don't always make the best decisions when we're sensually charged. The idea is to enjoy the activity not just endure it. Play safe! The Castle Realm's Soapbox Series Copyright©1998 Castle Realm All rights are reserved by the author.

Sub Space SUBSPACE - This term generally is used to describe a moderate to deep trancelike condition experienced by persons in the submissive position in a D/s relationship during interaction with the person in the Dominant position in the relationship. TOP SPACE - I will start by regarding top space or normal space. This is operational ground zero. The submissive in top space often appears quite aggressive, assertive and dominant. They will be hustling their children off to school, dominating their Dominant mate by organizing him/her off to work, cleaning and straightening the house, sending themselves off to work or to take care of business. They are the Commander of the ship, the General of the Army. Hustle, hustle, hustle. This is a submissives TOP SPACE. MARGINALLY DOWN SPACE - This space occurs when the Dominant in the relationship directs attention at the submissive. This may be a glance, a light touch, a small sound or any combination of these triggers. This marginal appearing contact drops the submissive out of top space into a state of waiting and/or listening for command. She stops. Generally she will cease talking even in the midst of a comment. She may stop moving. She will generally attempt direct eye contact with her Dominant to see if he/she has a direction or command for her. If nothing further occurs she will most likely re-top. Or, go back to full functional top space. If the Dominant mentally presses...she will generally descend further into space. SPRITE SPACE - Some submissives will squirm and utterly deny that this space exists. They will swear to you that they don't have it, it doesn't exist and they would never perpetrate mischief. Hmmm. Essentially just under or into down space there is a space where the submissive will TEST the Dominants attention, desire and will to control her. She may unclip cuffs, slide out of assigned position - all in total innocence. She didn't hear that command, the blindfold muffled her ears...etc... Note: If she notes that the Dominant doesn't catch her action she will feel he isn't paying her attention, therefore doesn't love her (mind of women at work). BLONDE SPACE - Now, as the submissive descends into space her IQ tends to diminish in a progressive fashion. Many submissives will tell you that their UP person is off to the side watching everything. They, will feel themselves getting slower mentally. I call this blonde space In blonde space the submissive has trouble with rational thought. If you ask her if something is uncomfortable she is likely to say "I dunno". The truth is - she doesn't know. At this point she is not capable of distinguishing danger to herself, she cannot and will not utilize ANY safeword - it become incomprehensible to her. In her mind, she has YOU the Dominant, she loves and trusts you, you won't let anything happen to her. SUB-VOCAL or PRIMAL SPACE - Sometimes the Dominant and the submissive penetrate what I call the sub-vocal barrier. The submissive in this space loses her submissive nature. If you intend to take her there have her well tied. As she drops through into this deep space she can and will get feral. Her voice becoming primal grunts and sounds, her eyes may alter, she will he hypersensitive to sound, light, movement. She will be FAST and very dangerous. She can and will claw you, bite you or toss you into a wall if you are a small man. In a sense she is tapping into ancient primal body language. She becomes a predator, barely submitting. If she senses ANY weakness in your control she WILL attempt to take you out. She cannot EVER utilize safe words here. She cannot remember how to articulate human speech. These are the basic levels of sub-space. Prior to beginning an exploration of sub-space the Dominant and submissive should have intensive conversations about what she may expect and how she may feel. The Dominant should set up a sequence of escape words. This should be a simple question that would NEVER occur in common life. Something such as "What color is your left big toe?" Her auto-UP UP UP response might be "My left big toe is orange!" Essentially this question asked at ANY time is her command to FAST UP or come to TOP SPACE NOW!!! This escape question should be practiced multiple times until it becomes automatic. I included the for a very important reason...submissives in DOWN space seldom laugh. Their ability to laugh and giggle seems to diminish as their focus intensifies on their Dominant in space. By requiring the as well, the Dominant is assured that the submissive has returned to TOP SPACE. Note: this command should only be used in a problem situation. For regular activities in sub-space the submissive needs and desires to be 'caught' by the Dominant gently and allowed to return to TOP SPACE in a normal way...this can take hours of afterplay cuddling. Some basic information: NEVER EVER leave your submissive ALONE in space unless you wish to risk severe potential problems... YOU are her sole connection to reality. If you leave her alone she is likely to be terrified. She will return to TOP SPACE at some point and may NEVER forgive you for leaving her. ALWAYS keep your commands simple and direct. In space she will obey but comprehension is limited. NEVER impose responsibility on her for ANY aspect of the play. If you want interaction stay in Marginal Space or Sprite Space (sometimes known as Sammy Space). In any other DOWN space she will not communicate well verbally. She may be unable to articulate your name at all. TALK to her in a re-assuring fashion if penetration of sub-space is new - she may be frightened. The further into space she goes the higher the chems pump into her blood stream and generally the more intensive the play can become. For a first timer, you need to tell her that sub-space exists, what it is and how it may feel to her. She will desire to please you and OPEN to seek this space. She must FEEL that YOU know what you are doing even if YOU do not. SHE must be convinced that she is utterly safe with you. Penetration of the different levels will vary for many reasons. Some people can only go so far. They have inhibitors. Often the penetration may occur over many months as the level of trust increases and the submissive relaxes into new experiences. You should NOT expect full flight from the beginning. Here is a link to the article titled 'Accessing Sub Space' which will describe the dynamics of subspace with a good deal of "how to" information. Copyright ©1999 by Mistress Steel. All Rights Reserved.

Accessing Sub Space For the purposes of this article I will assume that the submissive is 'new' to the lifestyle and that the Dominant directing them has limited or no experience with this aspect of BDSM. With MOST submissives it is important for them to first 'believe' in the existence of sub-space and second to identify the sensations within themselves that are indicators of the existence of that space when they have entered it. There are a few submissives that can be triggered non-voluntarily into sub-space but this phenomenon is somewhat rare and is not the direct focus of this article. Here is a link to my article titled 'Sub Space' which will describe the stages or levels of achievable space for those unfamiliar with them. Sub-Space is very similar to other trancelike conditions which are practiced worldwide under names such as prayer, meditation and hypnosis or regression. I include prayer for several important reasons, in many ways common prayer is a focusing of thought and energy on a single point, idea or 'individual' (divine presence). This activity is often accompanied by patterned behavior. Or, repetitious actions which the individual takes prior to and during the activity itself. Patterns in behavior quiet or appear to calm the brain allowing the mind to enter a 'transcendent' state. Consider how you feel when you do a repetitious task over and over again. A part of you develops a rhythm or cadence - you may find your mind relaxes to feel centered, filled, and or a part of something greater or beyond yourself. You may discover that you are humming a tune and often your 'mood' will appear to lighten or stress will reduce. It may allow you to feel more connected to the abundant life that surrounds you each day. Many people describe sensations 'after' prayer such as 'seeing' the vibrant colors of plants or the almost sensual aroma of bread from the bakery down the street. There appears to be a 'clarifying' aspect to the entirety of the exercise. Common prayer is something that most people are familiar with in some way or have personally engaged in. That calm space that your mind 'reaches' during prayer or meditation is SPACE. I should also note here that for many people achieving space carries with it spiritual connotations. The submissive should relax. Find a bed or couch and rest your head in the lap of your Dominant. Close your eyes and allow all of the random and erratic 'thoughts' to diminish. In other words you need to turn off the part of your brain that is constantly chattering at you. Concentrate or focus on the feeling of your head resting against your Dominant. Listen to your own breathing and the sound and feel of that person within their connection to you. There is NOTHING to fear within space. Venturing here will not harm you. As you relax you should focus upward or toward your Dominant. For many people it is difficult to 'visualize' a person inside of their brain. We tend to 'see' other people not as snapshots of images but as a complex blending of sensation, emotion and idealization. Your Dominant 'feels' a certain identifiable way to you. Reach for that 'feeling'. Feel their presence. The Dominant should caress the submissive such as to gently brush back small tendrils of their hair (This is a pattern!). RETAIN physical contact. We are all electrical beings to some extent and a part of what we feel from or radiate TO each other is the movement of energy. This flow of energy can be best directed by hard conduits or the maintenance of physical touch during the entirety of the event. When a Dominant touches a submissive and directs thought AT that submissive that Dominant is actually directing their own physical and mental energy AT the submissive. Practice IMPROVES this ability! When the relationship is new the maintenance of this physical conduit is VERY IMPORTANT as BOTH people are learning how to 'feel' inside of each other. At some later stages a Dominant and a submissive can often 'feel' each other without the need for this physical connection. The Dominant may have an experience which can best be described as empathic or 'feeling thru' their submissive. Learning how to find this space from both directions takes time, patience, natural aptitude and a strong desire. The submissive is turning 'off' their own voice and shifting their attention or focus to listening 'for' the voice of their Dominant. This is a mental voice 'inside' of the submissive and at least initially a 'physical voice' from the Dominant. The more your brain is 'talking' the less you will 'hear'. The Dominant can enhance the 'scene' for this attempt by limiting things which can distract the submissives brain. Dim the lights. Turn off the phone. Do not have somewhere to go in 30 minutes. Have already eaten your dinner. Have already taken bathroom breaks. Remove anything from the submissives body which may be physically uncomfortable. Some people also light candles and play 'white sound' music. If you do so then make certain that the volume is so low that you can barely hear it. Remember that as your submissive descends into space their hearing will become more acute and that tiny sounds will amplify. (White sound is sound which blurs out other sounds - tapes and CD's can be purchased for this effect!) The Dominant should speak slowly and softly to their submissive using a flat or monotone voice (This is a pattern!). The content of what is said should be non-emotional or words that will NOT create an emotional reaction inside of your submissive. Ex: Do NOT talk to them about something they have done wrong or something that needs doing. You CAN tell them something like: "your skin is very soft and lovely..." Compliments in general or positive commentary will enhance your submissives feelings of being safe, held, wanted, caressed, desired. GOOD or positive feelings will encourage your submissive to 'reach' for you! This is a mental reaching. In large part your submissive is reaching for that connection to you - this can feel like reaching into your energy stream. I need to note here that several things can impair a persons apparent energy outflow. The most common of these is smoking. Nicotine has effects on the brain, calming or dampening effects. If you are a smoker then at least to some extent you are probably using nicotine to blunt your highs (mental) and level out your lows. Alcohol and any type of medication which alters the brain chemistry may also have residual effects which may essentially 'limit' the potential range and power of your energy. This is also important for submissives, many submissives ALSO smoke or otherwise use drugs or medications which can affect their ability to transcend space. For a submissive reaching 'for' a Dominant smoker, that Dominant may feel 'flat' or without the vibrancy that a non-smoking Dominant may feel like. The submissive may feel themselves to be flowing ALONG their Dominant's energy stream. This connection is IMPORTANT. Once a submissive has entered Space the Dominant should maintain physical and verbal contact with them at all times. The submissive may feel that their connection to reality is THRU the Dominant so abandonment in Space can be terribly frightening and almost certain to cause a SERIOUS loss of TRUST when the submissive re-tops. Some submissives actually visualize this conduit or connection TO their Dominant as being similar to a cord of luminescent light that connects them together. Their Dominant is their SAFETY. By vacating apparent reality the submissive is releasing themselves to a level of personal vulnerability (should children wander in to see them zoning...etc...) The submissive TRUSTS that their Dominant will protect them mentally, physically, emotionally and even spiritually when they have flowed INTO their Dominant in space. Space in some ways is the removal of daily debris from the sensory array. By limiting the brains input to a few tightly controlled or monitored sensations and sounds the brain moves away from the cacophony of mental sound and within that movement becomes capable of highly enhanced potentials. To some extent it may be considered that Space is a HIGHER level of brain functioning or the individual is selectively using specific parts of the brain in a more efficient way. It allows the brain the ability to view and experience incoming data in totally different ways, which inevitably alters how the spacing individual will view reality after they have exited space. Movement THRU Sub-Space is often called FLIGHT! When the exercise of achieving space for the FIRST time is achieved it is CRUCIAL for the Dominant to realize that the effects of space will linger inside of their submissive for a LONG time. This makes aftercare VITAL. Your submissive will need comfort, re-assurance and what can best be described as cuddling. Do not LIMIT this AFTER CARE to when you (the Dominant) believe that enough has been given but allow your submissive to cuddle or maintain physical contact for as long as they feel the need. If this exercise was done after dinner then it is an excellent idea to cuddle for awhile then climb into bed together where physical contact can be maintained. The Dominant should be aware that at this point their submissive may be too 'close' to space and that sensory contact (such as sex) may be difficult on them mentally. The event may be more than enough for them to process that night. Other submissives will become extremely aroused by the event and NEED the completion of intimate relations. If your submissive appears to only want to cuddle - let that be enough. You will or may see variations from one extreme to another as you explore Space further with the SAME submissive. Further notes: Space has some unique properties. One of these is the ability for the submissive to regress. Sometimes this occurs involuntarily when there is something in that submissives past that the submissives subconscious believes the submissive needs to face or deal with. The Dominant needs to be aware of this potential and at least be capable of being supportive should such a flashback occur. If you (as a Dominant) feel incapable of dealing with the type of material that your submissive reveals then it is an excellent idea to locate a good mental health care giver (KAP) to work through these unresolved issues with your submissive. The revealing of such an issue is SELDOM a bad thing. Try NOT to be judgmental REGARDLESS of the content of what you hear. Remember that it is quite possible that your submissive in top or normal space will have blocked the memory - (they will remember almost EVERYTHING after releasing it in space). The brain usually releases such memories when IT believes it is safe and healthy to do so. Copyright ©1999 by Mistress Steel. All Rights Reserved.