man do saturdays suck or what? i guess for most people it's probably one of the best days of the week next to payday. For me they suck. i get to spend a day known for sleeping in and lounging around to another day of wondering how im gonna feed my kids and what i can do to lead somewhat of a normal life. Normalcy has not been with me for a very long time. you know i did recently start listening to the lyrics of favorite songs. its amazing how your perspective of life changes in an instant, and no matter how you feel or think there is always a song to change your emotion. its amazing how the lyrics of a song can change a lot of things. there are songs to make you feel happier, songs that make you feel worse about your lovelife than you did before, songs that make you feel like you can do anythings n the world, and songs that make you feel like nothings in the world can hurt you. the funny thing of it is that i love music and i can listen to alot of music during the day and i love to listen in the car. i dont think there is 1 time i have never turned the radio on when ive gotten in the car. you can know every word to the song but never understand what the person is singing about. can you get in their mind and feel what they were thinking or were they just so high on drugs that not matter how many times u listen the only thing you can think is what the fuck?!?! one of my favorite songs that can evoke different emotions in me i really started listening to what the guy was singing.
well i hear there was a secret chord
that david played and it pleased the lord
but you dont really care for music do you?
well it goes like this the forth the fifth
the minor fall and the major lift
the baffled king composes hallelujah
Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah
which of course no matter how many times i sit and listen to that verse i cant make heads nor tails out of it but then you hear a verse like
well your faith was strong but you needed proof
you saw her bathing on the roof
her beauty and the moonlight overthrew ya
she tied you to her kitchen chair
she broke your thrown and she cut your hair
and from your lips she drew a Hallelujah
Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah
baby ive been here before
ive seen this room and ive walked the floor
i used to live alone until i knew ya
i seen your flag on the marble arch and love is not a victory march
its a cold and its a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah
well there was a time when you let me know
whats really going on below
but now you never show that to me do ya
but remember when i moved with you
and the holy dove was moving too
and every breath we drew was Hallelujah
Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah
well maybe theres a God above
but all ive ever learned from love
was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya
its not a cry that you hear at night
its not somebody who sees the light
its a cold and its a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah
i guess everyone can get a different meaning out of this but to me it makes perfect sense. that at first you are so enamored of this person and then they try and change you. they suck you in and little by little they turn you into what they want. those are the type of people who break your spirit and it seems like there is nothing you can do to get out of it until you do see the light. i guess my light was the moment i heard im not happy im leaving. at that moment i saw in my life that i was not the person i used to be. i can never blame him for this change in me because i let it happen. i let all the things that i knew that i had tucked back in my brain so i didnt have to face the ugly truth. the truth that i had not been happy for a long time. i probably wont be able to be happy for a long time. this is like a death in my life that i need to deal with just like dealing with the real grief that comes with losing someone you love. could my whole life had been different if i had a little more self esteem and a valued my own worth. look at everything in your lives. if you think that maybe you are not a happy person talk to your other half. try and work things out but never ask them to make a snap choice that may actually ruin a relationship that can be explored and renewed. but both partied need to want to do that. dont ever think that you can do something behind your partners back without them knowing. no matter what the truth will prevail. it may never happen in your lifetime or even the lifetime of your kids but it will come out and when the truth is discovered it is a painful process to go through but if we didnt have trials to go through what would there be in life that made us stronger. i also want to thank a great friend that has helped me smile and feel better about myself. a friend that knows what each other are going through and someone that i think i could tell anythig to and never be judged, knowing that i would never judge this person either. when you take someone at face value for everything they are and what they stand for then do things seem brighter. thanks for the great talk my bitch, it was an awesome experience!
