i can actually say that the love of a child edges out the love of an adult. my 2 boys mean more to me than anything else in the world. in the last few weeks i have come full circle in my understanding of how life really works. i also have to say that when i meet a man who has children who truly is so enamored of that child it is such a beautiful sight. i have met one of those men. to see the glint in his eyes as he talks about his child. i only wish that my kids dad would feel the same. it sometimes seems to me as though he finds our kids a chore, a responsibility that he can use anytime. some would call trophy kids. for the last 6 years I have been the parent 95% of the time. i am usually the one who lays with them when they are sick. the one who puts on the boo boo bandaids, the one whose kiss seems to make all hurties better. and when i see the love in their eyes, it's an absolute unconditional love. i used to have all the sympathy for the women who were in a relationship that ended when there were kids involved. but my new discovery of a man, a friend who truly epitomizes the essence of a loving father. why cant we all find those type of men, and why do the women that lose them not understand the feelings that man has. when i first met my husband i thought he hung the moon. my world revolved around him and his life. i wanted to become part of his life. i wanted to be next to him every waking minute and feel his touch every night in bed. the touch of a man is different for all people. some women are uncomfortable with the way a man is in public. very few men show affection as much as a women would like. i believe it is due to their raising. which child gets more hugs, kisses, and snuzzles, which one gets the pat on their head, the "good job son" or maybe because their parents were the same way with them, these men are unable to give the love and public display of affection that most women take for granted and yearn for. rejoice ladies, there are still men out there that wants to do right by their kids. they are the ones who you see at the park pushing them on a swing, the little person that looks like an extension of their dads arms being lifted in the air and swung around. this is the first day since thanksgiving that i have felt like living life. the first time in weeks that i have not had a panic attack or anxiety attack so bad that all i can do is pull over to the side of the road and sob uncontrollably because the feeling i had for my husband i miss. i miss the warm hands of a man touching my bear back, the feeling of his fingers running through my hair. the stroke of his fingers running down my cheek. i dont want to venture to say that a new foundation for a wonderful relationship has been formed. but the basis of an awesome friendship is there. as much as i said that i have swore men off just cause i cant find one that doesnt remind me of what i had before but a man than enhances the feelings i have missed and longed for. they are out there, they breathe they laugh but can they love, love again someone who is nothing like their first partner. do they want the similarities of that person or do they want to find a woman who is different in every way but somehow completes them as a whole they have never known. maybe for me it is just wishful thinking, maybe i still put to much faith and hope that there are men who is almost everything you want in a partner. will my heart be broke again, just because i have such a need for physical intimacy and touch. my destiny lies with the stars. the fate that no one can control, but the big question being is will i still be happy tomorrow?
