Ok so right now I'm feeling angry, depressed, and lonely. During my last session with my counselor I realized that I have a lot of anger inside me from all the stuff thats happened to me since I was a little girl. I am angry with my younger brother because he is angry and wont let it out and wont let me in his life. I am also angry because it hurts and I feel abandoned by my younger brother. I am Angry about what happened to my older brother robert. I feel he was taken away from me and I dont know him nor do I know how to get to know him since hes mentally challenged and he doesnt seem like a brother at all. I am angry with my boyfriend because he hasnt talked to me or contacted me for over a week and that hurts. I am hurt by that because alot of guys in my past have said they wanted me one week and then next week be back with their ex or found someone else they are interested in. So to me not talking to me for a week implies that he no longer wants me and that hurts. Regardless if its true or not it still hurts because of what the other guys have done to me. Then I am angry at my ex friend norman because he wasnt there for me when I got raped. I needed support and he just turned his back on me and it feels like hes betrayed me. Then I am angry because I was raped. I am more angry at myself that I allowed myself to make bad deciscions that lead up to the event. I am angry that other people have been raped. Being raped hurts and Im angry that it has to happen and that it keeps on happening. There is probably somebody out in the world being raped right now as I am writing this or as the reader is reading this. I am just so angry and hurt, and frusterated because I dont know how to release all of it. It makes me feel lonely because I want to talk about it with my friends but nobody wants to talk about it. Then when they do want to talk about it, its like I dont feel comfortable at that moment to talk about it. What am I to do? I just feel like breaking down again but Im sick of these breakdowns. If I were to cry for all of this stuff, I wouldn't be able to stop until I was over 30 years old....Thats how much pain Im in and part of me has conterplated hurting myself but I can't bring myself to do it. Its like it sickens me to be able to think about actually hurting myself. Why does everything have to suck? I want god to strike me down now and take away everything im feeling. Most of all I feel lonely, and I just want to cuddle and cry and take out my anger and lonlieness with sex or alcohol. Anyway I guess this is enough ranting.
