Erics Vampire Kitty Kat Lover's blog: "Diary of a Mad Woman"

It's red The sticky stuff Its comming out of my flesh dripping, oozing, creeping, crawling, crying, It's blood The pain going away the feelings coming out it's pooling undernieth me Im suddenly scared as it wont stop I feel weak I lay down on the ground It's red, the sticky stuff coming out of my flesh Driping, Oozing, Creeping, Crawling, It's blood Someone save me!

When I was just a little girl, My mama used to tuck me into bed, And she'd read me a story. [CHANEL:] It always was about a princess in distress And how a guy would save her And end up with the glory. [DORINDA:] I'd lie in bed And think about The person that I wanted to be, [AQUA:] Then one day I realized The fairy tale life wasn't for me. [CHORUS – ALL:] I don't wanna be like Cinderella, Sitting in a dark, cold, dusty cellar, Waiting for somebody to come and set me free (Come and set me free) I don't wanna be like someone waiting For a handsome prince to come and save me On I will survive Unless somebody's on my side Don't wanna depend on no one else. I'd rather rescue myself. [ALL:] Someday I'm gonna find Someone Who wants my soul, heart and mind Who's not afraid to show that he loves me Somebody who will understand I'm happy just the way i am Don't need nobody taking care of me (i will be there)I will be there for him just as strong as he will be there for me when i give myself then it has got to be an equal thing [CHORUS – ALL] [ALL:] I can slay (I can slay) my own dragons. (My own dragons) I can dream my own dreams. (My own dreams) My knight in shining armor (shining armor) is me. So I'm gonna set me free. I don't wanna be like Cinderella, Sitting in a dark, cold, dusty cellar, Waiting for somebody to come and set me free. I don't wanna be like someone waiting For a handsome prince to come and save me On I will survive Unless somebody's on my side I don't wanna be like Cinderella, Sitting in a dark, cold, dusty cellar, Waiting for somebody (oh - Oh) to come and set me free. I don't wanna be like someone waiting For a handsome prince to come and save me On I will survive Unless somebody's on my side Don't wanna depend on no one else. I'd rather rescue myself. I don't wanna be like Cinderella, Sitting in a dark, cold, dusty cellar, Waiting for somebody (oh -Oh)to come and set me free. I don't wanna be like someone waiting For a handsome prince to come and save me On I will survive Unless somebody's on my side Don't wanna depend on no one else. I'd rather rescue myself. [Thanks to Cutebabe589@aol.com for these lyrics] [Thanks to lilromegirl2001@yahoo, GenieveRVega@c.s.com, laddiebuggie@chartermi.net, thabull2008@hotmail.com, Sam for correcting these lyrics] Ok I know this is a cheesy disney song but this song is about the empowerment of young girls and teenagers. Importantly teaching the ultimate lession to be self empowered as women. It gives the message that we dont have to play the whole helpless maid role and we can stand up and do things for our selves. Not only that but its idea of love is equality in a relationship and it is saying that we don't need a "prince charming" to make us happy. I really think people should record more songs like this. Its a strong message and I like listening to. I think the reason why I like it so much becasue there are so many songs out there that tell women they can't be whole without having a man. This is complete BS people. My favorite song from Cascada called everytime we touch is even about not being able to live with out a man. It sucks how today's society is relvolved around a males experiance. What about females? I am totally a feminist.

So yeah my ex bofriend hurt me a lot. I had cried my eyes out monday night and didnt get much sleep. But then again I had started realizing something out of all this. I found out that the dude wasn't as innocent as I thought he was. It turns out hes abusive, and not only that but she has had issues as well because she hates her self just like me. Shes been molested and raped as a kid and then she was raped as she got older by others. It made me realize the reason why she started cheating. Its normal for victims to act out sexually and not only that but he wasn't at all helpful to her. Even though I am angry and upset about what he did, It just seems like talking to her made me understand the situation better. I even gave them tips and advice on how to improve their marriage. I first suggested counseling for the both of him because he needs to work on anger management. I think his anger and abuse stands from the loss of power he feels while growing up in a divorced family. There could be issues there that arent resolved. And she needs to start loving herself. When I realized she hated herself I realized what I needed to do to get myself better. In order for me to stop hating myself I have to start getting to know my self and accept myself, and also love my own self. Then I realized that the reason why I gave them advice is because I do have a big heart and that I am understanding. Thats the first thing I learned about myself and it makes me feel good because It just says that even though I am suffering, I will still go the extra mile to try and help someone else. That is a good trait to have with my feild of work someday, not only that but I realized I would make a good counselor then too. I had always doubted the feild I wanted to go into and scared that I wouldn't make a good counselor but now I know I am not afraid. Not only that but I can apply my new skills I have learned about myself so far to my new jow thats coming up in the summer. Then I felt pride, it was as if I had stopped comparing myself to others. In the way I had self abused myself is I would compare myself to others accomplishments. If they had more accomplishments than me I would be envious and hate myself that I can't get it into gear to handle all that work. But you know what? I have my own abilities that can get me places. Just because I am introverted and can't handle a bunch of things all at once doesnt mean I wont be good at anything, nor does it mean that it limmits me. People are different and its ok to be different from others. Also Another thing that I had realized monday night is yes I do need god. God should be number one in my life instead of men or other materialistic needs. This helped me to realize that god really is there for me. I have seen him looking out for me at malarkies when I went this past weekend to face my fears. I was going to end up having sex that night...I decided to cus I wanted the pain to go away, but you know what god did? He took that away from me. The guy I had wanted to do it with got super sick from being drunk so he just decides to go to bed and In some ways I say Praise the Lord because I know I didn't really want to do it. I knew it is bad for me. He looks out for me in so many ways and it makes me feel loved. That part of me had a revelation with god. I really did realize that I dont need a man in my life to make me happy. In order to be happy I need god to show me the way to being happy with myself and with others. Also right now I really feel my devine purpose is to help others. I will welcome people who need help int my life. Its probably the reason why I started giving advice my ex bf and his wife to help their marriage. I felt they had come into my life for a reason even if I were to suffer for someone elses mistakes, (which I did because I really wanted to be with him), but in the long run god was looking out for me then too because he knew dustins abusive nature. In a month I could have been slaped and hit by him if it were to last. He took him out of my life in order to protect me, and even if I am hurt and upset now, in the long run it was for the best for both me and his wife. He appologized for hurting me and said he made a mistake and that he never meant to hurt me. Well that still doesnt take the rage I feel inside but I pray god does heal that anger. But in the mean time I am going to devuldge into my work and make sure my grades stay up, and to make sure I can get to where I want to go in life and that is where ever god leads me to. My internal revalation isn't just about loveing myself but allowing god to love me and is a more spiritual one. After I had this revolution I did something I realized I had missed doing. I went outside sat somewhere and just looked up into the sky and sang. I haven't sang for myself in 2 years. It made me feel peaceful and that was the second thing I realized about me that I miss. That is singing. I love singing. I don't care if the notes are off key, to god my voice is beautiful anyway. Then I had also sang in the shower later on last night. It felt amazing to finally release that voice I was shutting up inside me. I realized its what I missed the most. I miss going to the park and just singing whatever song that came to my head (mostly old camp songs). I felt so much at peace last night even though I knew I was still hurting from the experiance. It made me feel good to know that I still had refound a part of myself.

Ok so right now I'm feeling angry, depressed, and lonely. During my last session with my counselor I realized that I have a lot of anger inside me from all the stuff thats happened to me since I was a little girl. I am angry with my younger brother because he is angry and wont let it out and wont let me in his life. I am also angry because it hurts and I feel abandoned by my younger brother. I am Angry about what happened to my older brother robert. I feel he was taken away from me and I dont know him nor do I know how to get to know him since hes mentally challenged and he doesnt seem like a brother at all. I am angry with my boyfriend because he hasnt talked to me or contacted me for over a week and that hurts. I am hurt by that because alot of guys in my past have said they wanted me one week and then next week be back with their ex or found someone else they are interested in. So to me not talking to me for a week implies that he no longer wants me and that hurts. Regardless if its true or not it still hurts because of what the other guys have done to me. Then I am angry at my ex friend norman because he wasnt there for me when I got raped. I needed support and he just turned his back on me and it feels like hes betrayed me. Then I am angry because I was raped. I am more angry at myself that I allowed myself to make bad deciscions that lead up to the event. I am angry that other people have been raped. Being raped hurts and Im angry that it has to happen and that it keeps on happening. There is probably somebody out in the world being raped right now as I am writing this or as the reader is reading this. I am just so angry and hurt, and frusterated because I dont know how to release all of it. It makes me feel lonely because I want to talk about it with my friends but nobody wants to talk about it. Then when they do want to talk about it, its like I dont feel comfortable at that moment to talk about it. What am I to do? I just feel like breaking down again but Im sick of these breakdowns. If I were to cry for all of this stuff, I wouldn't be able to stop until I was over 30 years old....Thats how much pain Im in and part of me has conterplated hurting myself but I can't bring myself to do it. Its like it sickens me to be able to think about actually hurting myself. Why does everything have to suck? I want god to strike me down now and take away everything im feeling. Most of all I feel lonely, and I just want to cuddle and cry and take out my anger and lonlieness with sex or alcohol. Anyway I guess this is enough ranting.

A woman asks the universe "Is there an ending?" There was no response The universe stood still Since there was no response A man stood up and asked "Is there an ending?" There was no response The universe stood still The answer unknown

It melts in my mouth. The strawberries and cool whip sliding down my throat. It dances inside my stomach being digested! Poor bastard!! It then ends up in the toilet in the form of excrament. The painful journey of food and the chain is cruel such as life.