Ok, so if you've ever wondered why I turned out the way I did, read this....lmao
So, I was babysitting when this all went down, and if you dont already have one, this is a GOOD reason not to have your Mom and your friend in a convo when you leave!
Very long but extremely entertaining....
Mom Work: nah. he was more my parents' idol. i was hip and cool-i was a donny osmond fan!!!
Kristin: LoL
Kristin: I don't really know the timeline of his days
Kristin: I don't think my mom was a fan either
Mom Work: well let me tell ya. he was born on december 9th, 1957 and i was born on november 9th 1958 so he is EXACTLY 11 months older than me. now when i was about 14 i was in love with him and i thought that our birthdates being so close was a sign that we were to marry but he went and married some old nasty thing!!
Kristin: LoL!!
Kristin: You must've had to be in that time to view him as what people saw him as... I like some of his music but I'd never think he was amazing or anything lol
Mom Work: so since he broke my heart i decided to join the air force and i became a military tramp. i had sex with every tom, dick and harry i met and the next thing ya know i had becky. don't tell her this but i actually don't even know who her father really is.
Mom Work: donny osmond isn't her father but it could possibly be barry manilow!!!
Kristin: LoL! Well take away the military and the baby (yet) and you've got Becky! Mother like daughter I guess
Kristin: haha
Kristin: Barry Manilow?! LMAO
Kristin: She could give that story to a magazine though and try to get some money out of him!
Mom Work: becky's a tramp?????!!!!!! lol
Kristin: You said it not me
Kristin: LoL!
Mom Work: yeah-should we sue barry manilow and make him take a dna test??
Kristin: Heck yes! If nothing else it'd be funny to see Becky's picture on every tabloid!
Mom Work: lol!!!! yes it would!!
Mom Work: but i wonder-where did she get the freckles?
Kristin: hhmmm
Mom Work: i don't remember any of my toms, dicks or harrys having freckles.
Mom Work: and barry certainly doesn't have any!
Kristin: Hmm... In that case... are you sure she's even yours?!
Mom Work: as a matter of fact i'm not. actually-oh i just remembered- i found her in a ditch on my way to dick's house one day.
Kristin: ahh that makes way more sense!
Kristin: hmm... who could her mother be then?
Kristin: cher?
Mom Work: yes... it's coming back to me now... i was on my way to dick's house and i heard this little noise... moo... moo... and i looked down and there she was...
Kristin: That was definitely her! She STILL does that when she gets scared!
Mom Work: could be ... or maybe... phyllis diller... do you know who she is?
Kristin: Is that the lady from Splash?
Kristin: LoL Nevermind I looked her up
Kristin: Yep I bet it's her!
Kristin: She looks crazy enough
Mom Work: yeah i have a lovely picture of phyllis but i don't know how to send it to you
Kristin: I don't know how to do it on here either
Kristin: the pic online looks like she stuck her finger in an electrical outlet lol
Mom Work: anyway... i looked down and there was little becky... moo.... moo. i picked her up and the most awfullest stench hit my nose...
Mom Work: yes... that is phyllis... isn't she lovely?
Kristin: so she has always had that stench?! I thought she just didn't shower often
Kristin: oh yes.. she's beautiful
Mom Work: yes unfortunately the poor child was born with that god awful smell. she can't help it. don't think poorly of her...
Kristin: I don't. I've learned to deal with it. I just spray her with some febreeze every chance I get. It doesn't make it go away but it helps
Mom Work: you are a smart lady. but i wouldn't let her get too close to nicholas. it could traumatize him.
Kristin: good point... hmmm I'm gonna have to work on a way to keep her atleast a few feet from him at all times
Mom Work: yes. maybe you could get a leash for her.
Kristin: That might work! smoke break brb
Mom Work: okay
Mom Work: while you are gone i will continue my story... BECKY: BABY OF DOOM!!!! duhduhduhduh!!!
Mom Work: as i was saying... there was little becky laying (lying?) in the ditch... stinking to the high heavens.. with no one to love her... what was i to do?... leave her there and continue my fast life of booze, cocaine and men?... or pick her up and try to salvage what little life the poor child might have in the future?
Mom Work: being the wonderful, selfless, beautiful woman that i am... of course.... i continued my high living life. i figured someone would come along eventually if for no other reason than to relieve the neighborhood of that awful awful odor.
Mom Work: so dickie and i had a few nights of livin, lovin and lickin and finally it was time to go home.
Kristin: LMAO by dickie you mean Barry of course right?
Mom Work: when i hit the spot where little becky had been... the odor was still there... there was little buckers (as i lovingly nicknamed her) still lying in the ditch.. waiting... waiting .. for someone to call her own.. someone to love her and relieve her of that smell she no longer could stand... someone to take her away from that ditch that had been her home since phyllis had so wickedly thrown her into.
Mom Work: i found a stick... i wasn't going to pick her up with that smell that stuck to her like gum on the bottom of a dirty shoe... oh no... i pride myself on my kindness but come on.... me put that stinky child close to my beautiful body?,... no way.. i took that stick and i pried her loose from the muck she was stuck in... she flew out of that ditch and landed perfectly on the little red wagon that was sitting across the street...
Kristin: LMAO you're a better person that I am. I probably would've left her there
Mom Work: i took her home and my housekeeper threw her in the pool hoping against all hope that she would come to the surface before she drowned... and that all the muck and stench and general yuckiness would be gone when she did... well as we all know she did come to the surface but unfortunately some of the stench has remained and experts tell me there is just nothing we can do for that.
Mom Work: so.. to make a long story short... becky (or buckers as i sometimes call her) and i have been together ever since... through stink and stench... come rain or come shine... through thick and thin... together we will always be.. (and may the rain come down on her and drive that stench away!)
Mom Work: THE END
