I never saw myself as an abstinence kind of girl. That word never really belonged in my vocabulary, not necessarily a tainted word, but my far a word I never would label to myself. Now, I feel like it is something I should do.
Last week I was sitting in the living room of my sisters apartment as she was playing on the internet. We were on Fubar and discussing the hawt guys that were here age (38) and were messaging me with their drooling comments...and although I do not remember the sexual crack she made, I do remember it struck me. Not in anger necessarily, but more of a revelation. I didn't dwell on the thoughts then, I had a final exam to take, no time. But with the weekend came the thinking, and everyone I knew linked me to one common word : Sex. Not because I was a promiscuous slut, but because they all knew I had a flirtatious sexual attitude, I like to talk about it, joke about it, torture men relentlessly with my feminine charms. Sex and Mandy was spelled the same way.
Normally I would not mind, because a part of my personality is very, very sexual. I am not your average female many would say. If you were to compare my sexual appetite to a man who likes to drive fast, well lets just say I would be that tripped out Ferrari with the little red 'Warning' button inside that makes it go really, really fast. Lately though, and when I say lately I mean for the past four years, every man I run into has turned into a sexual-fiend the moment he realizes I enjoy sex, a lot. How terrible is that, for a woman who loves not only sex, but life itself. I enjoy discussing a good book, curling up on the couch for hours to converse, watch a movie, or do nothing but watch the rain fall. I enjoy going out on the town ever so often, dancing, singing loudly to the radio while stuck in traffic, swimming, boating, horseback riding, sunsets, but not beaches. I don't particularly enjoy the beach, at least not the salt-burning-eyes beaches that I have run across.
The point is I am tired of being unhappy. I think sex has become my way out, because if I am too busy concentrating on trying to have an orgasm, maybe I can block out what I really want. A warm, male body to kiss me good-morning, someone to call when my day has turned really topsy-turvy, and someone besides my sisters to go to when I really need someone.
So forget you,
forget the man reading this wondering if I'll change my mind because he's got a nice cock.
Screw. You.
it is my turn.
My turn to call the shots.
My turn to tell you no.
My turn to get what I want.
It is your turn however,
to make me want you for more than just some thrusting action.
to make me see beyond your beautiful face.
to give me something.
to make me want more.
Good-bye casual sex,
Good-bye sex on the first date,
Good-be sex to sex before the 1 month anniversary, even.
Hell,
Good-bye dirty pictures,
Good-bye phone sex,
Good-bye vibrator,
Good-bye everything.
Perhaps,
I will learn to appreciate sex after a while.
What a vicious spiral I find myself standing in.
That insatiable crave for sex after losing ones virginity,
spinning viciously out of control in an urge to find happiness,
and it's like the drugs I never touched,
absolutely addicting and an ultimate downfall.
Will someone check me into rehab?
