Rob the Azzhole's blog: "about me"

After thinking deeper about this unknown hearts desire that nags at me, what is keeping me from figuring out what it is. I said it was that this hidden want is only found where hope and dreams live but that is not totally true. I say the reason that I don't know what this longing is because have let my hope die. The fact I have the desire is proof hope is still there it is just suppressed by the soul sapping demon, fear. I have been either disappointed by others I thought that loved me or have had my own personal failures that have made me feel like I am unworthy, so the fear pushes down the hope. I have realized I have become a slave to this fear of hoping. If you don't want anything then there is nothing that can disappoint you. Then to cover this I take a attitude of apathy it is easy to hide your hurt behind a mask of not caring. Once this fact dawned on me that one thing becomes clear, I want to have that one person I love and that loves me back.. A complete love build on trust and on a deep intimate level that too this day I have never felt. Now I see all my relationships in my past I was looking for this, and if I got anything close to that I would hold on to it even if it lead to heartbreak. I see I have settled for others that could never be what I wanted then get mad at them cause they were not that one thing. Now taking a look in the mirror, I know now what that one thing is I have to find the way to get to it. Maybe this is where life begins anew for me, I guess who ever even reads this if anybody, will have to stay turned and we will see what happens.

Some days it is hard to put what you are feeling into words, when you know in the core of being that something is not right yet you don't know what it is. You try to push the annoying nagging feeling to the back of your mind and forget it, and for awhile you forget about it. But it is always there under the surface and when something triggers that unknown want it builds from a tiny ripple to a tidal wave and crashes into your soul. Maybe the reason this want is unknown is because I have let the hope inside of me die. This unknown desire only lives on the side of hopes and dreams that are thriving, but now all that is left in my soul is a faint remnant of believing in better things. Maybe one day soon my hope will be resurrected and I will finally know what this thing that is missing inside of my heart............Then the chapter of getting this unknown desire begins. It may never happen but still it is a good dream.   

looking back on my blog post from over two years ago, I see so much has changed. My last Status I posted was about my Mom ending her fight with breast cancer. I had not long been back From giving the eulogy at my Mother's memorial service in Greenville NC that I crawled in a bootle of bourbon and stayed there a while. That started a downward spiral and ending up with me in the hospital after stroking out, add another near death experience to the long list. After that I have rebuilt my life slowly and things have gotten so much better. I feel like finally I have learned some things . With the lessons I have learned looking at my last blog post about starting over I realize my mind set has changed. I looked at my life then as I was starting over again. Now I clearly see that starting over is not a one date you can mark on the calender but rather every new moment has the potential to be a re-start or a improvement to the moment before. Life is just a series of moments built together, and to quote the band Pantera “yesterday don't mean shit”, life is in the living the moments that have passed are a record you use to learn from but the living is in the present. Maybe that is why things have gotten better I stopped trying to live in my past, either way I will look at this later on just thought I would put in a new blog entery, happy to be back and loving the welcomeback of old friends and the new ones I have made..

I went and saw my friend yesterday at the hospital still no real change in him. I noticed not many people have been coming in to see him, I ask the nurse aides every time I go in to see him how is he doing has he had a lot of visitors and they tell me other than me not many. Even though it hurts me to see him that way and I don’t like hospitals I try to go everyday to see him hoping there will be a change but now they are talking about putting him in a nursing home. So it seems now that he is no longer useful everyone in his life family and friends are ready to put him someplace out of sight and out of the way and life goes on. I just hate the situation I pray but nothing changes it just looks like this is the way things are going to be.

I went and saw my new neurologist yesterday afternoon after looking over all my records and talking to me she wants to send me to a epileptologist, I am like ok then she tells me the ones she was thinking about sending me too was in either Kansas City Mo. or Springfield Mo. because I don’t drive she was asking me about transportation. I told her I could work it out she said they would have to drop you off and then pick you up a week latter. I don’t like staying overnight in the hospital for a test. I don’t like people sometimes my moods can be fucked up and I like to be able to get away from people when I feel like it. I am 6’5” and 245 pounds when I get pissed I can do it right. So a lot of the time I stay to myself, the idea of being stuck on a floor of a clinic where they are watching me and doing a bunch of test and I can’t leave I just don’t like. Plus it’s over a hour drive from where I live and I would be on foot. I am just going to have to cowboy up and deal with it I have a few weeks while they are setting it all up.

I lived through some things I should not have and here I stand today broken and not even half the man I used to be. It’s been years since my first Traumatic Brain Injury and still my memory is terrible suffer debilitating migraines, and the seizures where I just blank out. The worse seizures I have had I can hear everything going on around me but I can’t really move or talk the sounds that come out my mouth are just moans, those times are hell cause I am trapped in my mind everything is pure panic. Now my moods are always fucked up I don’t even like being around people anymore. I take all the anti-seizure meds and now on anti-depressants and other pills I just feel like a freak. Why try and start over what woman in her right mind would want someone so fucked up hell I don’t even want me and I am myself! Still I feel like there is a light somewhere at the end of the tunnel and I keep hoping.   

Seeing my friend in the shape he was in just bothered me I think to myself I was even worse when I was in a coma for 28 days. Being totally helpless like that it just sent chills down my spine thinking I was like that I came out of my coma months of rehab and I am still but a broken version of what I used to be. If I was ever trapped like that I would want to die so bad and that leaves my feeling conflicted in my own mind. I believe life is a wonderful and scared thing with God yet if I was ever life that trapped in my own mind and body I don't see life as a gift anymore.

I have been visiting a friend of mine that was in a car wreak last week in the hospital. He went from being a powerful man about 6'4 and 240 pounds played basketball with him a lot at the rec center to a near baby stuck in a bed. He only talks in simple sentences and has a vacant look in his eyes from the major brain damage. Being a survivor of multiple traumatic brain injuries seeing him like that that I think to myself if I ever end up like that with people having to change my diapers and bathe me I think I would rather be dead. I will get back to this later on having a headache and need to take a break.   

Sometimes I feel like starting over is not worth the trouble. Going through my second divorce, I am back in town where my first marriage went to shit dealing with my first x wife the only bonus is I get to see my 11 year old daughter. Although not that excited about being back in south east Kansas but it’s as good as a place as any there is nothing really for me in North Carolina anymore but bad memories and a mother I don’t get along with that’s dying of cancer..

 I quit drinking and by doing so all my old friends and I have nothing in common now so I am pretty much alone. Trying to keep some type of faith in God, struggling hard with that I feel alone and like an outcast at the church. I keep my feelings guarded because I already feel like a freak no need proving to people. Here I can vent because it’s the net and nobodies real on fubar and really people only care about themselves. The dating scene in this town sucks any woman worth anything has been taken and what’s left single well there is a reason they are single. So out off boredom I decided to come back to fubar and just talk to people and if nothing else kill some time