JADED Southern Sex Symbols Group Member's blog: "About me"

Life's road is rough Only to be tormented By finding love Only to lose it Then to rebuild your life again The hope of finding love again The anguish of becoming vulnerable The fear of getting hurt again The joy of finding love again The extasy of a new beginning The nervous state of meeting Getting to know each other The bliss of finding your true match The happy ending we all hope for

Well now that I am almost completely better, its time to find a job. This is the part I hate. Give me any job and I will work 110%. I hate trying to sell myself to get a job. I can talk my way into any job if given a chance to get an interview. My problem is not many will talk to me due to lack of work history. It has been about 5 months and still its hard to sleep alone. After years of having someone sleeping next to me its been hard to adjust to not have anyone there. Don't get me wrong it is a much needed time to find myself and figure out what went wrong and try to fix it. I have done a lot of refection on my past ex's and my life. I have finally realized I have gotten over most of the really bad shit in my life. Granted I will never forget, but I refuse to let it affect me like it used to. I also realize that I am scared of trying to date again. To get involved with someone will be a true test if I have really learned from my mistakes. I do not want to get hurt let alone hurt anyone else. I have learned to try and slow down from how I once was. I will take things slow (hopefully, LOL) and learn about the person I want to be with. Take time to get to know each other and then see how things go along the way. I know a couple men that have shown interest in having a relationship with me, but I am not sure. There is only one that comes close to mind that I would. But not sure if I am ready yet. I want to but scared. I really need to get on my own two feet first with a job. Then I will see how to proceed. Why does life have to be so difficult, LOL. Why does our choices have to be so hard. Why can't the choices be clear and precise. Oh well thats just how life is. I hope all is going well for everyone. May the Goddess watch over, protect and bless you all.

Tonight is the closest I have come to suicide in over 12 yrs. My pain is so much that I do not know what to do. I used to count on one man not to hurt me but he has. I refused to believe that he could do it, but I still can not blame him. I believe I hurt him first not knowing too. I can't tell him I'm sorry now, because he won't talk to me. He is in another country and I will not be able to see him anytime soon, if he will let me. I wish to the Goddess that I was never born, because I do not know how to handle all the emotions that are going through me right now. I started to fall for another man and he won't talk to me either. I don't know why this time. I wish I knew what to do right now. To wait for my first love or to go ahead and try to make things work with the new man I started to fall for. Or to wait even longer for someone else? GGGRRRR!!! I so hate my life!!

I had a very interesting talk with my ex today. He claims to know me so well but in fact he doesn't know me as well as he thinks. I hide a lot of myself from everyone. He did bring up a very interesting points though. I do have a lot to give, that my strong feelings for two men scared them, and that I get my pleasure (pain, sensual, conversations, ect.) from giving all I can to the one I love. I know that I fall hard and fast for people. That my emotions are very strong and scare people. I have known this for a long time. It's a blessing and a curse of mine. That I love so intensely that the one my love is focussed gets overwhelmed, scared and then run. If I care about someone I tend to go out of my way to help them anyway I can. If a call to talk in the middle of the night to calm them down or to get over a heartache then I'm there. If a back rub and a quiet night is needed I make sure it happens. If in bed they like to cause a little pain I don't mind all that much. If sensual play is needed all the more I can handle. If staying home while he is serving our country then I can handle that. If move to be with him then without a doubt I will move. But as I said its a blessing and a curse to feel so strongly. I have learned not to take life for granted. To grab whatever the Goddess offers and hold on for the ride. With all my medical issues I have learned life is too short to get scared of loving someone. To spend the time we have here to live not run and hide. I did enough of that already. I know that somewhere there is someone for me. He maybe in Ohio or in Iraq or somewhere else who knows. My ex did say that my moving to be with them was a mistake. I don't completely agree with him. It was a very big learning experience for me. I finally learned what mistakes I have made in that relationship and my others. I hope that I will not make them again, but depends on if I find someone to be with me. But on one hand it was a mistake because I did hurt a man that I have loved for almost half my life by moving out to CT. I left him when he needed me the most. I find out later what happened after I left him and I still feel guilty. Now I just hope he makes it home again. Ah way too much on my mind now, LOL. I hope all is going well for you all. May the Goddess watch over, protect and bless you all.

Ok, one thing I can not handle is being ignored!! I can deal with about anything else. At least I am acknowledged then. A little history about me to enlighten about this fact. My dad(actually my step dad) when ever he was mad at me used to ignore me. In fact he never really paid much attention to me. Later I learned that is just the way he grew up and learned to forgive him for that. Also the "I love you" was rarely said in our family. I learned that I want a partner to pay attention to me and say "I love you" whenever they feel it. This is the big reason I have no problem saying "I love you" when I feel it. I also learned that life is too short and may end at anytime. These are the reasons why I do not hesitate to say "I love you". Who knows when our life may end. I want my loved ones to know without a doubt that I indeed love them. I may show that "I love you" differently than most but that is my own way of saying it. Is it so hard to find someone that will realize this and love me for me. I hope all is going well for you. May the Goddess watch over, protect and bless you all.

If we Had Sex Game... Now don't be scared.... you never know who really wants to do you! Here are the rules to the game.. REPLY SO ONLY I SEE IT AND REPOST SO OTHERS CAN FILL OUT! 1. Would you be in control? 2. Would you pull my hair? 3. Would you whisper in my ear? 4. Would you talk dirty to me? 5. Would you kiss me with a little tongue or a lot of tongue? 6. Would you say my name? 7. Would you go down on me? 8. Would you let me give you a hickie? 9. How many rounds would we go? 10. What would you wanna do afterwards? 11. Would you take off all your clothes then take mine off slowly? 12. Would you lick and bite me all over? 13. Would you like to play or get straight to the point?14. Would you want me to take my time? 15.How freaky are you, 1 - 10? 16. Would you want fast or slow? 17. Where would you wanna "do it"? 18. Would you be loud or quiet? 19. Would you want me to be loud or quiet? 20. Would you mind if i liked you? 21. Do you like me? 22. Would you call me the next day? 23. Would you scratch me? 24. Would you let me scratch you? 25. Would you have to be drunk? 26. Would you date me? 27. Would you do it today? 28. Would you do it tomorrow? 29. Do you think that we would go any further then just sex? 30. Are you going to re-post these so I can answer them for you? Repost as "If We Had Sex"

Well after a lot of careful thinking the past few days, I walked into work today and quit. After not being able to sleep due to pain and crying because of the pain. I laid there thinking of why am I putting my health at risk working there? I can not afford to have so many Lupus flare ups so close together in less than a year. As it is my life expectancy isn't great. I fear that I will not see my daughter married. Where I worked would be fine but they chose not to make those that wouldn't work do their jobs. I would end up doing theirs plus mine to get my work done. That lead to me way over doing it and landed me now three times in the ER in less than sI ix months. I will be fine, I always am. I have learned to deal with this with out much help from doctors. I actually prefer it that way. The less drugs I take the longer I have my liver and kidneys. Ok, enough for now time to get my pain meds. I hope all is well with everyone. May the Goddess watch over, protect and bless you all.

Ok, so I have had to sit at home for a few days now instead of working and I have been thinking again. I am having another Lupus flare up and it always makes me think of who would be with me. So far the sad news is no one. I have tried to hide it when I'm in pain and can usually get away with doing that, but it makes the one I'm with mad. It gets old saying how much I'm in pain and I know that no one can help me when I am. I have many medical issues and its hard enough at times for me to handle let alone anyone that wants to be with me. I mean who wants to be with someone that is always in pain and gets worse from time to time. Shit I alone can be a lot to handle outside of my medical issues. But I have learned to live life to the fullest because I may not live as long as other people. I mean who would want to get with someone with an early expiration date?

It's funny when you go into an ER and say you have chest pains, but not to worry its not my heart how they still freak out. I told them my medical history with Lupus and that the lining of my lungs are inflamed, that is the reason for my chest hurting. It also is amazing how doctors think you are a silly unknowing female, when they don't believe you. I know just as much if not more about my illness and I don't most of the time need xrays, blood work, EKG'S or anything else to tell me whats going on. I am very in tuned to my body and usually can tell you what pain is from what illness. I hate it when you prove to the doctor you knew from the get go what was wrong and proved them wrong. Because then they talk down to you still trying to desperately hold on to their God status they cling to. All I ask is to listen to me and not to talk down to me. I very much know what is wrong with me and only need something for pain and to have it documented. I have learned to hate the smell and sounds of a hospital for these reasons. Besides all the damn pokes from needles. My arms look like I was a drug addict from all the blood drawn to see whats wrong with me. Now its time to rest and recover from going to the ER, lol. I hope everyone is well and may the Goddess watch over, protect and bless you all.

Ok, so today was a very bad day at work. I almost actually walked out right when I ended up doing a few peoples jobs at once. Ironic that the most disabled person there is doing way more than her job. That other people get away with doing almost nothing all day and get paid for it. But if I don't do my job and theirs I get my ass chewed for it. Granted working in a dining hall what they don't get done affects me and I still have to do it to get what I am supposed to do done. I am still thinking of putting in my two week notice and just moving now. I will get enough back from my taxed to move and have enough to live off of for a few months and not worry. The other thing that has been bugging me lately as well is my health. I am scared for once to go see a doctor. I really need to go but scared to find out what is going on this time. I know that I am starting another Lupus flare up and thats not what I am worried about the most. If you fall and almost two months later still have faint bruising, get bruises without knowing where they come from, bleed from a slightest scratch and don't heal very fast at all from these slightest scratches, then there is a big problem. My hope is that it is just low iron or something simple as that. But with my luck regarding my health it isn't. With a history of cancer on my sperm donor's side of the family and the fact that I have a mole that has grown over this last year I'm very scared. Since finding out that I have Lupus I knew that I wouldn't be around to see my grandkids. I hope that I am wrong about that, but my luck in my life I always get screwed over. It makes me wonder what the hell I did in a past life to get suck bad luck. I have done a lot of thinking about what will make me happy from a serious relationship. I realized that the poly life isn't for me. After trying it and things not ending very well. Granted better than my two divorces, but still a lot was said that hurt me very badly. Yes, I am Bisexual, but that is not a need sexually that defines whether or not I am fully satisfied. I do enjoy being with another woman, but its been more problematic than anything else. I have a very strong distrust of women, and not without due reasons. I finally realized that I only need one man in my life to make me satisfied and happy. I have done a lot of thinking and going over all my past relationships up to and including the last one I was in. I have seen where I messed up while I was with my last relationship. I actually started to work and change myself for the better from this realization. It actually made things worse in the end. The stronger I got, more confident, and less tolerant of any bad attitudes it made things worse. I started to realize that the more I tried to make things work and stick to what I finally been trying to do all my life(learn from my mistakes) it caused more problems. The hell I went through towards the end of this last relationship was enough to put a bad taste in my mouth for being with more than one person. I also been thinking about someone a lot and not sure if they feel the same way about me as I do for them. Been very frightening to have someone get through my walls so easily. I just tired of the yo-yo games that I have been put through with other ex's. I want someone to say that they love me, mean it and show it. I only want and need is respect, honesty and love. Is that really so much to ask for from someone? LMAO, no wonder people at work knew something was off with me. Too much thinking, LOL. It was very sweet of them to be worried about me, since they saw that I was going through a hard time. They all said are you alright, because you are very quiet today. LOL, shit I know I can be like a book to read to people but damn!! To be pegged so well by them was heart warming and a little frightening. I don't let people in very easily into my life. I don't trust many people from past hurts. I have tried very hard not to let that affect anyone I first meet. My philosophy is to give people I first meet a certain amount of trust and it is up to them if that trust level goes up or down. Damn it is good to blog again!! I haven't for a few months due to the fear that what I would write be used against me. Like I'm it still very well may but they aren't here to hear the bitching about it. I have used my online blogs as my journal. I have always have tried to keep a written one but could never keep it up, LOL. Ok, I think that is about it for now. I hope everyone is doing well. May the Goddess watch over, protect and bless you all.