Author/journalist, Hunter S. Thompson, who was brilliantly portrayed by Johnny Depp in the film Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas, died in his Colorado home on February 20, 2005 from a self-inflicted gunshot. Despite his appetite for hallucinogenic drugs and radical behavior, Thompson was a thinker and a damn good writer, and his passing is a loss to the world.
Thompson, in his last will and testament, requested that upon his death, his body be shot from a cannon. This presents two fundamental problems; 1) finding a cannon large enough to hold his remains, and 2) dealing with the resulting biohazard and environmental issues. After some thought into the matter, I have developed the following solution:
Battle ship cannons would be of sufficient size to stuff a human body down the tube. It may be possible to mount one of these guns on the Chevron oil tanker, the Condoleezza Rice. Thompson, a staunch democrat, would no doubt be amused with the irony of being shot out of artillery from the deck of this particular vessel.
If the tanker could be maneuvered into the great lakes of the north eastern United States, it would then be possible to shoot his remains into Cleveland where toxic waste and bio-hazardous materials have never been of much concern except for that time when Lake Erie caught on fire. Thompson, it is presumed, would approve of being blasted over the residents of Ohio, a swing state that went republican in the last two presidential elections.
As compensation to Chevron for participating in the tribute to Thompson, the Condoleezza Rice would be granted special privilege to dump its bilge into Lake Erie, thus enabling the company to avoid the costly regulations and procedures involved with such an operation.
In conclusion, the above proposal would be a fitting send-off to a great American and provide benefit to all involved parties, except for the residents of Cleveland who wouldnt know the difference anyway.
