Captain AmeriDad's blog: "A New Journey"

Yep... it's another year.

My birthday is here again on Monday.  Hell, since I have been 33 I have had an eventful year.  I've spent most of it being angry, being stressed, being on edge.

34.  What's this going to bring for me?  Hard to tell.  But here are some of my thoughts.

My life is slowly getting back on track.  Hard to believe, but it is.  Recently, I've had an epiphany, and taking that, I am no longer taking crap from people.  It is time for me to not let petty crap bother me.  From pathetic people who obsess with my life because their's sucks, to those that try to kick me when I'm down... They shall roll off my back like water.

I will not allow drama in my life.  I am cleaning out that which is drama.  

Warning... if you are easily offended, do not read any further.

Me... Read it and deal, can't deal? GTFO!

I am a Father.  Don't tell me how to take care of my son.  You are not me, you are not him.  You don't like some of the things I do with him?  Tough shit.  Get a life, move on, and get the hell away from me.  My son is my world, my life.  Some people might think that things I do aren't the best for him, that I am being selfish and thinking only of myself.  Those people can kiss my ever loving ass.

I am a former Soldier.  I support the troops.  Period.  You don't, get the hell off my page, and delete me as a friend because I have no time for you.  

My opinions of politics are mine.  Don't f*cking like 'em?  I don't really care.  You come to MY profile, you respect what I say.  You can't, then don't read it.  Yes, this country has freedom of speech... that includes MY freedom of speech.  I have a right to post what I want, when I want.  It's my opinion, your ass will NOT change it.

Don't come to me attempting to force your religion down my throat.  I am not religious for a reason.  I have decided to think for myself, and not allow some moldy books to think for me.  All I hear when you attempt to push your religion at me is "baaa... baaa... baaa."  Guess what, Sheep get slaughtered.  Before you try preaching to me about why I should follow god, make damn sure you have your own facts straight or I will rip you to shreds.

Guess what... I'm a geek, through and freakin' through.  I don't like pro sports, I can't work on cars... and you know what, I have no desire to do so.  Think that doesn't make me "man" enough for you?  I don't really care.  I can slice and dice with swords and axes, and shoot your damn nose off your face from far away with fire arms.  

Will I lose friends over all this? Honestly, I don't care.  Don't like what I say... Leave.  I will cut away the waste, and keep the core of friends that will accept me for who I am.

Thanks, that's the end of my rant.

Coun is Reborn.

Today starts my life anew.  Those of you that know me know I've had a rough time the past few months.  I've let depression get the better of me quite often, and have let things really get to me.

Today though, I have been up at my parent's home and have put my grandparents to rest. 

Sorrow and grief accompany this, but I have also taken this as a time to grow, and to change.  From this point on, I have buried that in the past which has almost broke me, and have decided to move on.  In endings, there are also beginings.

As such, I am rearranging things on here.  Those now that are in my family, will only ever be the ones that I truly do consider that.  Please, if you were in it before and are not now... do not be offended.  Any that were there and are no longer have been kept in my top friends.

I have created my Code... I have my Honor... I cherish my Family.  Those three things are what give me strength.

I will defend all three even to the death of myself.  Each member of my Family is now there for a special reason.  All of them have shown to me love, respect and trust beyond that of a normal friend.  These are people to whom I have opened my life, my heart, and my soul. 

I will defend them, I will protect them.

For my Family... I love you all.

For my Friends... I cherish your friendship, and am glad to have each of you walk through my life.  Some of us on here may not have spoken as much as I would have liked... but... I still thank you for accepting me into your life in some form.

Those are my thoughts for now.

Thank you all... and may you all know that you are special.

The Paladin Has Risen.

For the past few days, I have been a wreck.  For those that don't know, I lost my grandmother on friday.  This is just another lash of the whip on me for the past six months.

First off, I would like to apologize to all of my friends, for not really being the person I should be, and for just being a basket case.

I've had a lot on my plate lately, and it seems as though anytime something starts to go better, the gods look down and throw another lightning bolt in my path.  It gets hard, because I have to keep myself together around my son, and so when I don't have him, the strain of holding it all back gets to me. 

I would really like to thank my wonderful family of the Revolution.  You guys accepted me, and have really been great for putting up with me this week end even though I've been an ass.  I'd especially like to thank Mysterious, Mystic, Bad Girl and Mudd.  You four specifically have helped me from really spiraling.

Also, I'd love to thank my bestie Zombie Cupcake, and her room mate, my fu-fiance Element of Surprise.  Both of you have been great at trying to keep me upbeat the past couple weeks.

I'm trying to get through my life.  It's a struggle.  I have to take it one day at a time.  Sometimes it is a battle to even get up, knowing that depression is waiting there to pounce. 

You, my Friends, my Family... thank you for keeping me alive.

None of you will ever realize how much I appreciate it.

For my Grandmother, and my Grandfather before her...

Rest In Peace.

(since I can't see it... click this link for the video... the death prayer at the end is not the same as what the link is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tlNpR7CkM-4     )

Lo there I see my Father...

Lo there I see my Mother, and my Sisters, and my Brothers...

Lo there do I see the line of my People, back to the begining. 

Lo... they do call to me. 

 They bid me take my place among them. 

In the Halls of Valhalla...

Where the Brave may Live... Forever.

I'm numb.

Five minutes ago I got off the phone with my sister.  My grandmother... my last grandparent... passed away

I don't even know what to do, what to say. 

I am posting now... just because my mind is reeling... I am in a state of shock.

I have tears, but I don't know what else to do.

I am sorry... I will not be myself for a while...

Rest in Peace Grandmother...

So...

Next week is my birthday.  My life has really had a lot of changes in the past year.  Some good, some bad.  Through this whole roller coaster, I've really tried to keep what little sanity I've had left.

I don't know how well I've done that, but hey... what can you do?

I've had the support of several good friends, who mean more to me than they'll ever know.

Sometimes though, things get a little rough and I just don't know how to get through it.  I guess right now it is hard.  I'm by myself most of the time, and really have no friends or family to speak of that live close enough for me to just say "hey, come over and watch a movie or something."

Really, I'm just rambling... no point to any of this, except to get out some of what I'm feeling, and try not to feel so alone.

Hard to believe, but in less than a week a part of my old life dies.

This is a time when my life is now at a crossroads. 

I am sad, for I am leaving a place I have spent the last three years in.  I look around these walls and see memories.

There... that is the spot where my son first rushed out and asked if Santa was here yet.  And there... where he sat to blow out the candles for his first birthday in his first house.  On the wall, I see the marks I have made the past three years, where I have measured his growth.  Two rooms... one, his first bedroom that he actually stayed in.  Hints of the light blue paint still can be seen.  The second room, where he moved to.  The green is on the wall, his bed which shall go with me still stands up, showing his interest.

Friday... it seems like a short time.  But it has been years coming.

Though I am sad, I also see hope on my horizon.  New memories shall now be made.  The lil man, when I have him, and I will begin building times with each other.

It is time.  The path has been chosen.

(Yes... I know a lot of my blogs lately seem almost the same... but it is the only way I can work through my thoughts.)

I have often thought of what I would do if I finally got the chance to start life again. 

Now I have my chance to find out.  The end of 2009 gave me many setbacks, many finishes of parts of my life.  Now though, I look back at those, and do not dwell on what was closed, but try to look ahead to what has been opened.

My life had crumbled down around my feet, but someties that is what needs to happen in order for you to rebuild.  I've looked at what I was for the past ten years, and have found a person I find lacking.  The person I have been is not some one I want to be. 

I have found though, that not all of what I was is bad.  In that time, I have discovered I am a good father, which is one of the few high points of my last decade.

It is time though for me to take that which was good in that time, and keep it as I rebuild the person I want to be. 

I do not know all that lies before me, but I shall take what is given, and try to bring back some one that I can look at with in myself... and see with respect.