You find humor in other people's stupidity...(yes, yes I do)
You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm...(yes, yes I do)
Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you...(bloody cheeseburger anyone?)
You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants... (yes!!)
You believe a good tape job will fix anything... (tape fixes EVERYTHING!)
You have the bladder capacity of five people... (Eventually you will STOP doing the "pee pee" dance)
You can identify the positive teeth to tattoo ratio...
Your idea of a good time is a full arrest at shift change...
(Oh wait, that's only if you're a NEWBIE to EMS)(fuck that I wanna go home !!)
You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac...
You disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see... (uh huh)
You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance...
You automatically assume the patient is a drug seeker when presented with a complaint of:
migraine
lower back pain
toothache (3rd time to ER, but can't make it to any dentist appointment)
(choose one of the above),
and has a list of numerous allergies to meds (except Demerol) ( AMEN!)
You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA so you don't have to deal with them any longer... (no comment)
You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a recognized diagnosis... it's real I tell you....REAL!
You have discovered a new condition that you call "hypo-Xanax-emia"... (low xanax in the blood!!)
You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce... (ESPECIALLY STUPID PPL!)
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if the phrase "Wow, it's really quiet" is uttered... (Don't ever, Ever, EVER say that!)
You refer to Friday as NH Dump Day and you don't mean New Hampshire... (they forgot mondays!)
You are totally astounded when someone from a NH is understandable...
You say to yourself "great veins" when looking at complete strangers ... ( I do that all the time )
You don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate... (a person should have the RIGHT to choose!)
You have ever referred to someone's death as a "Celestial Transfer", or a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit"...
You have ever answered a "lost condom" call...
You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide...Doing It Right"... ( I would be the guest speaker!)
You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis... AMEN!
You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say "I have no idea how that got stuck in there"... (ummm that has happened to me!)
You have ever had to leave a patient's room before you begin to laugh uncontrollably... happened to me too!
You have ever wanted to reply "yes" when someone calls the E.R. and asks "Is my (husband, wife, mother, brother, friend, etc.) there?"...
You have ever referred to the E.R. Doc , triage nurse, or partner as a "shit magnet" or "angel of death"... ( they call me shit magnet)
Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion...
You think that caffeine should be available in I.V. form...
You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience...
You believe the ER waiting room should be equipped with a Valium fountain...
You want lab to order a "dumb shit profile"...
You believe that waiting room time should be proportional to length of time from symptom onset("You've had the pain for three weeks...well have a seat in the waiting room and we'll get to you in three days")... THATS RIGHT!
Your most common assessment question is "what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks, months, years)?"...
You have ever had a patient say, "but I'm not pregnant; I'm a virgin! How can I be having a baby"...( please don't let me strangle someone)
You have ever accused a patient of faking a seizure, only to watch him immeadiately come out of the seizure long enough to deny faking it and cuss you out, then go back into it...
You have recurring nightmares about being knocked to the floor and run over by a portable X-ray machine... (eh, not yet)
Your shoes have been seized and quarantined by either the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta, OSHA, the EPA, or the Nuclear Regulatory Commission...
And finally, You might be an EMS professional if you find any of this funny!!!!
