You Asked..."I Felt Things Were Going Well. Now, I Just Don't Know What to Think or Feel"
"I am starting to date someone I have admired for a few years. When I finally approached this person romantically, they responded just as I had hoped. We had a little discussion to get each other's expectations clear, and I thought all was well. But the last few times we were together, he seemed either preoccupied or too tired, and not really engaged in our being together. He wasn't feeling well all week and I am not sure if this is the reason for the standoffish behavior or not. I asked specifically if he wanted me to go and not come back, and he said no. I left with a kiss from him, and put a possibility of our going to have dinner and a movie out. He said yeah, we'll see.
"I haven't gone back for three days, partly to give him time to feel better and also to see if he would come around. I haven't heard a word from him. Do I wait longer, or give it a few more days and if he doesn't come by, go see him and see why he hasn't come to see me? I am so confused with such mixed emotions right now, it is kind of hurting me. I really adore this man and hoped for good things. From our discussion, I felt things were going well. Now, I just don't know what to think or feel. Can you help?" -- Holly M, 47, Orlando, Florida
Kristin Cavins, M.A., LMHC answers:
Hi Holly -- Kudos to you for having the courage to approach the man of your affections! Sounds like from your discussion, everything was looking up. Now mixed signals are flying and you're confused. 9.9 times out of 10, if a man is interested in you, you will know it. Whether he is not feeling well for a few days, completely swamped with work, or encased in a giant cube of ice, you will still hear from him if he is interested.
I understand that you are disappointed in what you had hoped would be a good thing. My suggestion is that you don't contact him again. You have done your part, and the ball is in his court. Allow him the chance to reconnect with you, and if he chooses not to, then there is your answer.
Kristin Cavins, M.A., LMHC is a psychotherapist who specializes in dating and relationships, and provides online and phone counseling. She is on the web at keycounselingservices.com
Cate Sevilla answers:
Holly -- It seems as though you're the only person in this relationship who is willing to be upfront and honest about your feelings. While it's understandable that he hasn't been feeling well, it doesn't excuse his constant preoccupation, tiredness and lack of attention for you. He might as well just roll over and murmur, "Not tonight, honey. I have a headache."
He's making excuses and you're making excuses for him. His aloofness and little game of "Please don't leave, but I'm going to ignore you while you're here" are causing you pain, and making you put forth all the effort. It sounds as though you're the one initiating all the dates and truthful conversations. You're doing all the work, yet are left wondering when and if he'll call. You're even willing to go over to his house and confront him if you don't hear from him! Meanwhile, he's doing nothing. He's not even meeting you halfway. How unfair is that?
Wouldn't it be nice to be with someone who pays attention to you when you're at his house? You don't deserve to be in a relationship where you're constantly waiting for the other person to acknowledge your existence. You deserve to feel secure and loved even if your partner truly is tired, sick, or just having an off day. You don't get to choose when to love someone; love is constant, even when it has a cold.
Holly, I know how much you must adore this man, but no, you shouldn't wait longer. I hate to say it, but actions really do speak louder than words, and his actions are not that of a man who understands and appreciates what an amazing, honest woman you are. You deserve better, sister!
Cate Sevillais the editor of the women's issues blog DollyMix. She is a young feminist and is passionate in helping women make empowering, informed life decisions. You can read more of her views on feminism, sex and relationships at CupCate.com.
Rachel Kramer Bussel answers:
Holly -- Before you decide how you're going to approach him, you have to sort out your feelings for him and what you want out of any potential relationship. Otherwise, you're simply waiting for his cue as to how things will proceed. It's natural to do so, especially when you really like someone -- I've been there more times than I can count. The problem, though, is that you're subject to his whims and he can keep you on this emotional seesaw.
There are a few possibilities where he's concerned. Maybe he likes you, but something else, whether another woman, personal issues, or his own uncertainty about what he wants, is holding him back. Maybe he's afraid to get too wrapped up in you before he's sorted out his own issues. Or maybe he likes you but doesn't want anything long-term and isn't sure how to say that. You'll never know how he really feels until you ask him, and by "ask," I don't mean confront. You need to be ready to hear what he says -- good, bad or hurtful -- and let him know that you really want his honest outlook, not some rosy, best-case-scenario, I'll-say-anything-to-appease-her speech.
Ask yourself if you could handle being "just friends" with him if it turns out he'd rather put the brakes on anything more than friendship. I know men get tortured over relationships just as women do, but I also have known way too many women, myself included, who've been in your shoes, waiting for him to call or decide what he wants to do.
Of course you care about his desires and, in the best case scenario, he'll want to proceed, perhaps with caution, as you had started to do. Just make sure you have an emotional support system, be it friends or family (or even pets) to fall back on if his answer isn't what you wanted to hear.
Rachel Kramer Bussel is an erotic author and the editor of more than a dozen anthologies, including "He's on Top," "She's on Top" and "Caught Looking." She's a former sex columnist for The Village Voice and hosts In the Flesh Reading Series. Find out more at rachelkramerbussel.com.
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