XxINSIDERxX's blog: "YES I AM A ASSHOLE"

On the 18th of this mnth. I am taking a 103 day journey. I dont know what i will find on this journey or what will happen while i am on this journey. 

I know what i have yo do and what to look for. But will i find everything i need to find. 103 days really isnt that long is it. I wont be in contact whit anyone i know. I wont have no one to talk to. I will be by myself. Like alone in the woods fending for my self. I am supposed to find myself in the 103 days. And to do this at this time of year. Its gonna be cold but i can do it. I been told i am crazy for doing this. I am not crazy. Whats crazy is sitting here aging away in this depression. Thats crazy!!! If something happens to me while i am out there. Then sobe it. It will be gods way and i cant change his order. You see our lives are written befor us. We accept that life that god has laid befor us. The world has been around for billions of years. We are just a tiny speck in that time. Life really is too short. Think about it billions of years compared to what many 83 years if your lucky. Just a moment in time is all we become. So if the fateful day does happen during my journey. Just know that i am no longer depressed i no longer carry the pain that made me hurt all them years. nothing can make me sad i no longer cry, I hope i can find what it is to feel what it is to feel feelings, and to feel what love feels like. To be wanted to be valued respected. so if and when i return from this journey. i will be a different person. 103 days and not see or to speak to any living human will be a challenge in its self....on the day i leave. i am just leaving a note. no one knows i am doing this. if they did they would tryto stop me. No one understands why i am doing this. I have to thats why. You need to see how it would be if i was gone. Then and only then You will come to grips with how much you took my kindness for weakness. And how much you rely on me. Yeah its not fair but neither is life. When i return there is going to be people happy to see me. along with people who arent going to like the person i will become. My depression will no longer be a factor in my life my drug addiction will no longer be a habbit. I will have become one with myslef and nature. the way my life was intended to be. so wish me luck.

I am a soone to be a 51 year old man who has been addicted to meth  since i was 17. Today is my first day without the drug. I dont know how i will do trying to stay away from it. Ihave gotton rid of all the bad elements that surrond me and the drug. All the time i lost doing this drug for solong. there are years i cant recall. i have no memory of it or what i did. Today i enter a new life. I knew this was comming. I know i have to quit. the toxic evil in that drug holds you back from beening the real you. i have learned alot about what meth does to the body and howaddiction changes you as a person and how it not only hurts you but the people that love you. i have lost friends tothis drug . but yet i kept doing drugs to kill the pain. well it might have killed the pain then. but when reality comes knocking on your door such as it has mine. only then you realize that pain is still there and the only way you can work thru it is beening sober. i know i am going to face these pains in the comming days and weeks. and i am going to try it sober for th first time in my life. something told me that its tme for me to make a big change in my life and that i would have to rid the toxic from my life. i have let soo many people down. i have hurt soo many people over the years. i can only hope they will find it in their hearts to forgive me when i come to make me amends with them. I never thought i would end up like this. i was supposed to follow in my grandfathers steps and become a policeman that worked his way up past chief of police . my grandfather was in charg of several police departments. the cheifs of them departments would report to him. bBut when my grandfather deid. I took a different road. and ended up doing drugs.i cant turn back the pages of time. all i can do is write a new future. so with this been said. i am going to blog my progress in this new life. if you are reading this and want to hear how i am fighting the addiction. i am going to post it here and only here. becausesometimes i slam family members and they dont need to see what i say.  and they have no idea who i am on here. IF YOU ARE READING THIS AND IF YOU HAVE A ADDICTION. GET HELP NOW BEFOR ITS TOO LATE THERES SOMEONE OUT THERE THAT LOVES YOU 

The time has comefor me to make some choices that will effect every aspect of the rest of my life. if i make the wrong ones my happiness will fade. i am beening given another opportunity for something good. but i dont know when this will arise. i just know it will happen with in the next 2 months. i miss my last oppurtunity. i wont miss this one. theres no more toxic people in my life that want to hold me back. i let the people of my past hold me down befor. i guess they wanted what i had. They would say whatever they could to get it. but this time i wont let that happen because they are no longer welcome around me. i am getting too dam old for stupid games. too damm old to deal with the toxic fools of my past, i miss my first and i know she feels the same. its almost time to discover what is ours for the taking.....i missedthe chance to be with my first love after34 yrs apart i didnt recognise her untill 2 yrs later. last time i saw her she was 14 and i was 16 now i am 50 and he is 48. all i had was a fading mental picture of her at 14. how was i supposed to recognise her. well like i said 2 yrs later it finally came to me who she was...i am getting that oppurtunity to see her again and i have to make the right choices. my happyness is depending on me making the right choices, i want my first love back. yeah its been years. i know deep down that there is something still there after all the years that gone by. we where loyal to each other we had to breakup because she had to move. she was so upset when she told me she was moving it left us bolth broken. i still remember what she was wearing the day we met i remember the place the town i rememebr where she lived befor she moved. i remember it all. i never forgot about her. i still remember how her kiss tasted after all these years. yeah may sound corny . but i remember it all...

For over 35 years i have had this ability to sence peoples engry and they can be miles away. And i can sence their energy. Let me explain. I get these visions in the front of my mind of certain people at certain times. I dont think of these people.They just come to mind. I have a friend thats in a witness protection program. They wrote him off as dead. all the online info said m friend was dead. I didnt bekieve it. I wanted answers. well this friend came to mind yesterday, It scared me bad. I got this vision of my friend he was holding up his name and age. I  turned on my laptop. and entered his name and age. Nothing new says hes dead well something kept telling me to enter his age; so i didnit again still nothing. so i tried one lastsite that i knew. it had not been useful to me befor. well i had put his full name in and it said he was dead. but gave a recent number. well i got in contact with his old girlfriend who was also searching for him. we bolth didnt think he was dead. well i gave her the link. then in 5 minutes she messages me back saying hes alive  hes alive its him hes alive. i knew my frined wasnt dead. i found out that the same night i had the visions he was at work writting his name and age on a loan applacation. i didnt tell him i had a vision. because most people laff at me when itell them things like this. well you can ask his ex no one we know is laffing at me, i felt my friend comming thru. and come to find out he was thinking of us at the sametime as i got myvisions. i have to say that program really does change a persons id. i diidnt recognise my friend. the program changed him totaly but he happy and doing good for the first time in his life hes happy, i saw a smile on his face, i never saw him smile befor, i told my frined that i dont want to know what happened . we are friends and nothing will change that ever. he is like the little brother i never had. 

I dont understand why someone would play games on someones emotions. u have seen people play games on people that where not plesant. why go out of your way just to hurt the feelings of someone else.do thy reallly think that by doing that they will gain the upper handThen as weeks or months go by. And some realize that what they did was wrong. by then its too late to save any kind of relaations you had.agame playing to mess with someone causesthe heart to be come more and more cold. once the heart has been hurt so many times. it looses feelings. feelings of love are gone feelings of caring are gone, the ability tofeel anything at all are gone. all your doing is creating a person with no feelings a empty person inside that might not forgive you. this has happened to me many times. and now i dont feel it when someone says they love me. i dont have the ability to feel love my feelings have always been denied and i love is something i have never had. i have sacrificed and gone without just to benefit others. and got fucked over in life. that itreally is sad. someone is going to came into my life thats going to be the right person for me. and i wont be able to show any kind of feelings towards them. i dont know why but 3 people have played games with me over the last 3 weeks. i just recently put all the facts together. and found out who they are playing gamess with me. well if i was younger. i would play back. but i am not a young adult. and over the years i have lost my feelings towards emotional happiness . this is the only place i can vent without anyone i know personaly reading it. thanks for letting me vent. NO FEELINGS CALIFORNIA

TOADY I AM REALLY DEPRESSED. LET ME TELL YOU WHY. NOT TO LONG AGO. I HAD SOMEONE FROM MY PAST JUST LITTERALY WALK THRU MY DOOR.I HAVENT SEEN THIS PERSON IN OVER 30 SOMETHING YEARS. AND I DIDNT RECOGNISE THAT PERSON.  IT DIDNT DAWNON ME WHO IT WAS UNTILL MONTHS LATER. AND WHEN I WENT TO MESSAGE THIS PERSON. TO SAY HOW SORRY I WAS THAT I DIDNT RECOGNISE THEM UNTILL NOW. AND SO I WAS BLOCKED. WELL THIS PERSON JUST SO HAPPENED TO BE MY FIRST GIRLFRIEND BACK WHEN I WAS LIKE 16. THE DAY SHE WALKED THRU MY DOOR WITH ANOTHER FRIEND OF MINE. SHE INRODUCED HERSELF. WELL SHE HAD GOTTON MARRIED AND TOLD ME HER MARRIED NAME. NOW FOR MONTHS BEFOR HAND THAT SME FRIEND SHE SHOWED UP WITH HAD BEEN TALKING ABOUT ME. SO MY OLD GIRLFRIEND ASKED WHERE I LIVED. SHE FOUND OUT WHERE AND DROVE BY ON MANY OCCASIONS JUST TO SEE IF I WAS OUTSIDE AND I WAS ON MANY OCCAOINS. SO SHE WAS ALLREADY UP TO DATE ON WHAT I LOOK LIKE VS WHEN I WAS A KID. I DONT SEE HOW SHE EXPECTED MR TO REMEMBER HER WHEN SHE GAVE MR A DIFFERENT LAST NAME. AND ALL I HAD WAS A MENTAL PICTURE OF HER THE LAST TIME I SAW HER WAS WHEN WE BROKE UP 30 SOMETHING YEARS AGO. I AM SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT SH LOOKED LIKE AS A ADULT VS A TEENAGER. I JUST DONT GET IT WALKS INTO MY LIFE AFTER YEARS APART. THEN BLOCKS ME. THIS GIRL IS MY FIRST LOVE ,KISS ECT. AND WE ALL KNOW OUR FIRSTS WILL ALWAYS CARRY A PLACE IN OUR HEARTS FOR THEM. I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND IT. IF YOU DONT LIKE ME THEN WHY DO ALL OF THOES THINGS. OR IS IT BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO BE WITH ME. AND SHE FEELS SHE CANT. ORIS SHE SNEAKING AROUND AND DONT WANT ANYONE TO KNOW ABOUT IT.

MY LIFE IS MORE THAN 1/2 OVER. I HAVE DONE ALOT OF THINGS THAT WHERE HURTFUL TO SEVERAL. 

NOW I AM ATTEMPTING TO MAKE AMENDS WITH THE PEOPLE I BELIEVE I HURT IN MY PAST. 

SOME ARE ACCEPTING OF MY AMENDS AND THERE A COUPLE PEOPLE THAT WONT ACCEPT MY AMENDS. OR WONT EVEN CONSIDER TAKING 2 MINUETS TO HEAR WHAT I HAVE TO SAY

IT HAS TAKEN MANY MANY YEARS FORME TO FIND MY DIRECTION IN LIFE

I DONT KNOW WHATS I DID THAT WAS SOO BAD AND NO ONE WILL TELL ME

I  KNOW THIS WILL BE READ BY A SMALL NUMBER OF PEOPLE

I AM STILL GREATLY CONFUSED IN ALL OF THIS ALL I WANTED WAS TO SAY I AM SORRY IF I CAUSED ANY TROUBLE OR PAIN.

MABY SOMEDAY BEFOR I LEAVE THIS LIFE PEOPLE WILL ACCEPT MY AMENDS

IF THERE IS ONE THING I HAVE LEARNED IN LIFE IS. LIFE IS REALLY SHORT ANDWE DONT HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD, AND THERE IS NOT SOMEONE FOR EVERYONE. SOME ARE MENT TO BE ALONE AND WILL DIE A LONELY SOUL.

SO IF THERES OME THING I CAN SAY IS. IF SOMEONE COMES TO TO MAKE AMENDS. TAKE THE TIME TO HEAR THEM OUT. YOU MAY HEAR SOMETHING THAT MAY CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

Time and time again. people tend to ignore what i say. Take this for instance. I have a 2003 Harley davidson. i paid $7900.00 for it. Now i keep it in my garage. I have friends that come over. And for what ever reason . They seem to flock around it. I keep telling them to get away from it. And not to be doing any work on anything near my bike. I have told them that people have gotton killed for less. i dont know what i have to do to get my point across to them. I am at the point to where i am not going to say anything anymore. I feel like knocking some heads together. i know not one of them has the money to fix what ever might happen due to their ignorance. It seems that the only time anyone listens to me is when i am fucking pissed. time and time again. why is that they only listen is when i am pissed off. i guess they think i am weak. well i guess they will find out

I often ask people when did todays youth become so blind to the realities of life. (I HAVE TO CHOOSE MY WORDS IN THE CORRECT MANNOR I DONT WANT TO OFFEND THE STIPUD) Over the years i have watched people become shall i say less attentive to the basics. Lets say a mailman delivers a few letters thru the slot in your front door. Now when you see them letters on the floor. You walk over and pick them up. Lately i have the great joy in watching todays youth walk right by letters and not even pick them up. And i know for dam sure they saw them. Thats called pure lazyness...These same people wont even lift a finger to help a old family member. they walk right by her and dont even ask if she might need a drink or something to eat...need i mind you this elderly lady broke her hip last year. And we all know that the bones in elderly people are fragile and take twice as longer to heal if not longer and sometimes not heal at all. How can they sit there and say they care and love  when they truly dont care. If they cared 1 bit. I wouldnt be writting this.Theres more to this story that  will add later. i have to tend to a elderly person .They need lunch/ i dont even ask if she is hungry. I just take her the lunch. If any of you out there are reading this and you have parents that are or over 65 give them a call and see how they are doing and see if theres something yu can do for them. they dont have many years left. And tomorrow just may be too late..... untill then love your parents . For you only get 1 mom and 1 dad