The Kink Factory's blog: "Working through it...."

I want to be Poly. I am learning to be poly. This does not mean it come easily for Me. I have to fight My own jealousies to be what I want to be. So bear with Me and please be patient. This is not what I envisioned when I said I wanted an open relationship. What I had in mind was: on occasion you would have a lover or a girlfriend, and occasionally I might do the same. Everything would be above board… maybe once in a while all would get together, hang out, play or whatever the case may be. In that situation, it is easier to fight My natural nature, and keep My jealous, possessive tendencies at bay. In the current situation, it is not so easy. I am doing the best I can with it, but I am still very much in the “ Fake it till you make it” phase. Being in this phase is why I make such a big deal about “not in front of Me”. It just makes it easier on My jealous heart. I know that you have sex with her. I know it is all part of it. So, I deal with it… and yes it is a deal with it. I hope someday to be perfectly ok with it, but I am not there yet. Any way the point of all this is to say. I am not ready to be hearing her talk about getting you off while I am gone. It just bugs Me… I am learning to be ok with all of this, because it is what I want, kind of…. But I am not there yet. I know if the situation were in reverse you would have similar issues. It bugs you enough that I am out looking and meeting new people. You are just as afraid of Me finding someone new as I am you finding someone that trips your trigger more or better than I do

I am working through all of this. I don't want the other girl to feel any ill will, or that she can't let this happen. Maybe it is just semantics, maybe I am just insane, and I am prolly making a mountain out of a mole hill.I don't know why I feel the way I do, and it prolly has no rational grounds to stand on, because I do know " Love is". We talked about bringing this girl into our relationship. We both love her, We both care for her. It just never crossed My mind that He would fall "In love" with anyone else but Me. Does that make sense? I really don't even know why Him being in Love with her effects ME this way.Why does it mess with My seance of security? Why does it hurt so much? Rationally I know that it takes nothing away from Me. Rationally I know things will work out as they are suppose to, and rationally I know everything happens for a reason. I do want this to work out for everyone... right now I just don't know how to deal with what is happening. Am I suppose to deal with it? Do I just go with the flow? If so, how? I just need a clue

When I entered into this "poly" relationship, I thought it was what I wanted. For the most part it is. I was ready to share My husband's body, His mind and even his spirit with others. I did not realized I would also have to share his heart. It never dawned on me that he would fall in love with another. I am not sure I can handle that. I thought that part of him was mine and mine alone, as that part of Me is his and his alone. Shows me where thinking gets me. I guess I am not so poly minded after all. Because I am not ok with this...

This blog is designed as a place for Me to vent... to work through things....to sort out My own shit.....so if what is spewed forth here does not make any sence....deal with it.... I don't care if you comment or not....but I do accept small pieces of wisom from all onlookers...

I just was not prepared for this. I was ready for lots of things in this relationship. I knew there would be flings. I knew there would be lovers. I knew there would be others in our bed. I could handle all of that. Don't even have a problem with any of that. I never thought I would have to deal with the fact that My Husband would tell Me that He is "In love" with someone else Inafatuated with, I can handle. In lust with, I can handle. In Like with, I can handle. I am not so sure I can handle "In Love" with. He says He still loves Me. He says He will Never leave Me. He Says He would die if He lost Me. He wants Me to share. If I have to share My Husband, she is the best choice. I don't want to deny him this happiness He is so rarely truely happy He must need this I know she needs this I just don't know if I can handle it. Don't know if I want to handle it. Don't know if I have a choice. not if I want to stay with him any way. If I want to stay with him I have no choice. If I want his happiness I have no choice. If I did not love him with every fiber of My being, This would be easy. But , I do, so it's not. How do I do this and keep Myself? How Much can I give, without loosing Myself? How Much do I put up with? How much do I "compromize" ( Goddess Bless I hate that word)? When do I put My foot down and say I have had enough? When is My heart going to stop breaking? When do I just walk away? I can't just walk away.... It would be like walking away from the air I breath When does that air become poison? How much heartbreak before it is toxic? When does it become unhealthy for Me to stay with this Man that I love? When do I step over the edge of sanity? Have I already? I am so scared! I am so Lost! I am so confused! Is any of this rational? Or am I just being selfish? What do I do? Give me strength!?!?!