stillliven DOC125078's blog: "wishing"

this by no means has anything 2 do with my babys mom. the people that act like ur friend and fuck u in your mouth when they get the chance. the people that act as if ur a bitch and then when the shit hits the fan they run like the wind blows. the people that act as if the world turns around them, and then u act as if the world don't, then u got the problem. the people that lie 4 the reason that betters them self then u catch them, and all is over 4 the next time u act as if u gonna think about beleive them. the people that act as if u matter to them then u find out the truth. the people that treat the ones that they r close 2 like shit and don't think about there feelings first. 4 the people that did me wrong in life and then dropped me like a sack of rocks fuckem. if u got ur life in order and then people try 2 put u back on the level that they feel u should b on fuckem. 4 the people that u did dirty and never 4gave u fuckem. 4 the people that sent u through hell and then acted as if they had nothing 2 do with it fuckem. 4 the people that pushed u to the end of the road and then laughed fuckem. now don't get me wrong i did all the things i said and more but fuckem. most dudes be bigger bitches than bitches but fuckem. and the people that b there when they souldn't b them r the ones that u say thank u 4 the time. but shit if i had my choice i'd still say fuckem fuckem all. and if u think that u got a friend fuckem. the ones that fuck u the best r the only ones that can fuck u so get ur shit together.And remember fuckem.

The things that I dont understand and im 25 years old the feelings that run through our body. the reason they make us crazy and push us to the point when we seem to be crying or acting like a baby. when all we are trying to do is express ourself and let our feeling flow insted of being bottled up and at sometime explode. I see myself as a person that will say what and how i feel and i need to know how to control that cause at times somethings should not be said and left alone. and that has been a problem with me for sometime now i just cant find the right thing not to say. and it pushs everybody around me in the wrong way not to mention makes me look like a asshole everytime my mouth opens. so some would say but thats coming from me and i can say that cause thats how i feel. i find myself by myself alot of the time thinking is it somthing that i said or someting that i did. my life is about to change for the better and i hope that i can keep my mouth shut when it needs to be shut and put my thoughts in place of my mouth and try not to ramble about the things that dont matter. and put my family before anybody else thats what i should of did a long time ago this is my last chance and im trying to do the best that i can i dont want to lose everything that means something to me also let the little stuff role off my chest and just know that she is here with me and that is the fact knowing that she does love me makes all the diffrence and never taking her for granted like i did before and she called my bluff that was one of the hardest lession in life that i learned all by myself the day that door closed i was like fuck what did i do and how can i fix it and how fast but only time will tell and it did

we all play games with the ones that we are close to and most of the time there is a point to the hole game try to win and put as much pain into the other persons heart as possable and tear them down to be nothing that they r and push them in the way that u think u would like them to go. and when they become this person that u made them then u no longer care for them anymore and u say its because they r not the same person as u were when we met well i wonder why. as u turn this person that u so called care for into the thing that they r not u take a part of them that u have loved from the start and in turn u become the one on top insted of the bottom. so that says how much u can control urself as to others i allow this person to control me for so long i find myself stairing at the person in the mirror and thinking i dont know u and when they say it dont mean a thing shit has gone down hill from there. seeing myself for this person that i cant think is me or even see me in the picture then i come to realize this isnt me and ive lost the part of myself that made me who i am and that my life has been nothing about me but them and for what to keep something that dosent want to be kept or to be with what im used to well the reason would be very hard to find unless i find myself and to do that i have to take demented steps to the past and catch myself as i was in another time as i would know where to look finding myself cause i was the only one there in my mind and for the better part of it by myself is it true that everything that was once good has to comne to an end if this is so then where is the end i think i found it by looking through myself and so then comes the tricky part what to do and when to start.

BLIS to myself i sit, objective 2 see who is the easyist to hit. my line of blaim brings pain, I as a person shovel no shame, look me in the eyes when u say his name, we will never be the same. and 2 u i will let him be judged, if i feel diffrent, I'll just give u the biggest grudge. u may have gotten away this time but 2 u, i will get and conquer. put u 2 discrase make u cry, watch demented thoughts through your eyes. make u a slave to ur own grave locken yourself in a cave. u took my only sister, don't u feel bitter. what did u do with ur head oh 4got took it stright in the head. watch u blead. i wanted so much more to be done u aint won just on the run, turned yourself 2 a bitch put yourself in a ditch. lets see if 2 god u swallow your tonuge, and your little girl u will never see old or young. did u know to your funeral i brought a gun, ohh i almost did something so dum look at the drama u brung.should of got u at the house could of did u dirty cut your dick off stuck it in your mouth. now thats what it's really about. dig u up so i can shit in your mouth, hopen u sitten down south. that was my moms seed wish she could of watch u blead indeed. you'll never be free, i see u there angel or not u better run if not u done.it's over gay p, even on your knees i will never agree with what u did. u didn't deserve to live, wasted nothing but tears, pictures, memorys. my love is something that u will never posess make u look grotest put u to rest.

wishing wishing that i could have my life back, changing alot as well as the size of this stack. wishing that i would of never started to smoke, that is what enabled me 2 cope, due 2 the dope.hiding myself from all family and friends, sitting in a house wishing i had some ends.one day I turned 2 the front door, there stood my mother in law, heart full of pain stright to the floor went my jaw.wishing that she hadn't seen me this way, turned myself in2 jail, again wishing she would 4give me for that day. later on in life was told that she cried that day and that vput me on my way, found myself again wishing that i'd died in the worst way. wishing that i could of taken that look out of her eye. feeling as if she looked right through me and didn't even say goodbye.found myself wishing that i wasn't a dope head, knowing that wasn't true cause 4 29 days i didn't even go 2 bed. my life revolved around dope, without any type of hope. looking in the mirror saying u look the same, then on paula i pushed the blaim. nobody could tell me how i acted or looked, known inside my mind i was as thin as a fish hook. distroying my body distroying everything that i worked for, until i found myself wishing 2 get off the floor. at the the time i thought i lost my true love -PAULA-, so i figuared fuck it and smoked away every dallor. this story is true and i wrote it 4 everysignal 1 of u , now i clean and DUSTY I LOVE U