Bayalicious's blog: "why"

dear MS.

  you've robbed me of my legs. thought process and once again love. what can I do other them depend on ppl to do for me like a queen without the true perks of a queen. I miss being independ I miss working as a nurse that I work so hard to get, I miss driving,cooking and cleaning things my way. I HATE YOU WITH A PASSON, You robbed me of my life. You robbed my son of his mom doing for him. Id I could I would have walked out years ago of so many things. You caused me to be bitter and cold. I want to dance in the rain, walk on the beach with someone who really loves me. I WANT MY LIFE BACK. but I guess not. nothing but doctors, surgeries and infections being a burden on others.  Got dealt a crap hand of life. I HATE YOU

it was a chilly Valentines Day when i had to go to the doctors for my monthly prenatal check up.. im in the room waiting to see the Dr. and when he went looking for the heart beat was unable to find it so sent me for a ultrasound.. karen the tech did the ultrasound.. and all you saw was the baby with no heart beat i knew it was bad but hurt even more with Dr. Bennie coming into the room and said Gia im so sorry.. who do you need to call.. funny who do i call.. no one lives near by anymore.. so i called Terry in hysterics.. didnt know who to actually turn to.. called a few more ppl.. but of course none of them live in the same state as me..then called the baby's "father" who was visiting his girlfriend in Texas... at that point i realized how much he cared.. then ended up in the hospital for them to induce labor.. went through it all night.. talking to Terry and Brian.. while in labor.. they were the hands i got to hold over the phone.. not the baby's "father"... then at 535 am Emma Rose was born to find out that the cord was wrapped around her neck.. later that day i got to hold my baby girl.. looking at her fingers cuz not but a couple of weeks ago i saw them moving on a ultrasound..that helped some to close the fact i will never hold her again except in my heart.. then on friday morning as im leaving the hospital i realize that life can be so fucking cold just as it was outside.. i have never felt so empty as i did that day.. leaving with a breavement box in hand and not a baby.. how many more slaps in the face can i take.. before truely breaking down.. i have yet to hear from the "father"/"sperm donor".. i guess that means everything he told me at one time was a total lie.. however he did tell me the truth about one thing he could never love or care for this baby and he has proved that by not calling me.. i just dont understand how anyone can be that cold and heartless.. but i guess they are there in the world.. the world can be a cold and heartless place sometimes...

Emma Rose... Born: 2/15/07 @ 5:35am 4.4 ounces 8 inches you will with your sister will be in my empty heart forever.. love always mom


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